Jessica Simpson Drunk, Anyone?

In this topsy turvy world, few things remain constant… One thing we can always count on is Jessica Simpson acting like she’s late to a bachelorette party in Pensacola, FL. Here we have her leaving “Craig’s,” but I don’t buy it. I think this is her leaving an Applebee’s after one-too-many blueberry long island iced teas. They’re 2 for $1 on Monday’s after all…

At first I thought this was some poor valet trying to talk Snooki out of getting a DUI, but then I realized that the man holding Jessica Simpson up like an oompa loompa puppet is her husband who lives off of her Kohl’s fashion empire. Ah, America. You’re the best.

I’m going to leave you with a sober-looking Jessica Simpson posing with a guy who probably went to Juilliard, but is trapped doing kids’ birthday parties because he looks like a Disney character. Since The Rock can pass as Samoan, this is probably the best-paying gig he’s got going for him… Hollywood sucks.

jessica simpson moana
CREDIT: Instagram @jessicasimpson