Jessica Simpson Hates Her Baby

March 15th, 2012 // 55 Comments
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While you’d just assume the appetizer menu at Chili’s would be her greatest inspiration, Jessica Simpson will not be naming her unborn daughter Southwestern Eggrollesandra, but instead something that sounds exactly like a protective shield for when a woman’s uterus makes her a blight in the eyes of the Almighty. [Paid for by Rick Santroum: Stopping periods by making sure you sluts stay pregnant.] Via InTouch Weekly:

“They’re going to call her Maxwell, Maxi for short,” the friend says. Maxwell is Eric’s middle name, and also his beloved grandma’s maiden name. “Jessica wanted a name with meaning.”

Granted, this kid is light years more well-off than the furry shart Snooki will bring into the world, it’s still kind of sad she’ll have parents who openly admit they can’t stop constantly having marathon fat sex long enough to realize they just named their kid after a panty liner. “Hey, wait, doesn’t Maxi also mean- Oh, wow, you’re putting barbecue sauce on my penis. Go, GO. Keep doing that.”

Photos: INFdaily


  1. Frank Burns

    “And her middle name will be Paddington, after Paddington Bear, because his are the only books I can read without my lips moving. Maybe we’ll shorten that to Pad like we’re gonna do with Maxi.”

  2. Your Mother's Vagina

    No kidding, that baby keeps eating all her food.

  3. Cock Dr

    Ah, BBQ sauce as a part of foreplay. It must be a Texan thing.

  4. just here for the laughs

    Maxi, as in maxi pad? Cause that’s the first thought that came to my mind.

  5. Da Cheese

    This was barely cute behavior when she was in her 20s. Now it is even sadder in her 30s.

  6. Richard Hell

    Is anyone else concerned that swaddled newborn is going to resemble a pig-in-a-blanket? “No, don’t hand it to her! (crunching sound) OH MY GOD!!!”

  7. Richard McBeef

    Who among us doesn’t hate her baby?

  8. The Dude

    Jess will finally have someone to read ‘Green Eggs & Ham’ to her.

  9. dontkillthemessenger

    I think the original name they were going with was TV Dinner Stand.

  10. Grammar Police

    Light years – NO APOSTROPHE. Fixed.

  11. Techman

    She’ll probably be pregnant again as soon as possible after this one is born. That’ll be the only way to hide the stretch marks because they’re going to be really nasty.

  12. When i the hell is she due? She can’t get much larger. Oh, the humanity…

    • mrsmass

      months ago.

    • At this point I don’t think she’s pregnant at all. I think she concocted the story so that she’d be able to go on a massive eating binge and get a free pass from public criticism. Her one mistake was not realizing that a pregnancy lasts for only nine months, not nineteen.

      • pookiewookie

        This is how a real woman looks while preggers. NOT like Beyonce who tried to pull off her FAKE pregnancy and have others believe shes so remarkable by losing all that FAKE baby weight so quickly.

  13. vekfan

    She doesn’t look healthy been that size even if she is pregnant, can you even imagine how she’s gonna that out?

  14. mrsmass

    wait, these pictures are from 3 weeks ago? there will be no bouncing back from this pregnancy. she’s enormous.

  15. Anon

    Don’t forget…the kid’s last name is gonna be Johnson. Maxi Johnson. Poor child.

  16. dri

    Here is a baby with eyes of blue, straight from heaven, right to you. Or – straight from heaven up above, here is a baby for you to love. (Dumbo)

  17. Johnny P!

    I can only hope to be around in 20 years when the headlines read “Super-absorbent Maxi has wild threesome with Apple Paltrow and Bronx Mowgli, as filmed by Peaches Geldoff”.

  18. cc

    She should be careful…at that age kids are starting to understand what’s going on around them.

  19. dooood

    look out!! it’s that boulder from raiders of the lost ark!!

  20. Mando

    Eggrollsandra. >_

  21. Kyle

    Just name your kid Tampon

  22. Fireman Doug

    Hey Jessica your name is Jessica, why don’t you follow your mother’s tradition and name your kid something normal like “Michelle” or “Jennifer” Maxi is a feminine hygiene pad, don’t do that to the kid.

  23. cagster

    I can’t see how she walks, I imagine she just sloughs along.

  24. El Jefe

    Seriously, is she in her 13 month of pregnancy now?

  25. i cant wait to see her post op baby body. hahaha

  26. Mo

    Apparently siamese-twin baby elephants require lots of time in the oven.

  27. So I’m guessing that makes her the maxi-mum.

    Sounds about right.

  28. elliotspitzer

    When she grows up and gets her first apartment, it’ll be known as maxi’s pad.

  29. Dr. Bill McGnaw

    Do you think they’d give me the afterbirth to play with? I would just rub it on my penis for a while then give it back. Promise.

  30. dontlooknow

    Maxwell Smart and Maxi Priest are gonna have something to say about this!

  31. Pregnant Jessica Simpson
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s not a moon!!!! It’s a space station

  32. um Maxwell is Eric’s middle same and also Gender Neutral as as Ashley Carroll Courtney Gene Joey Kelly Kim Nat Nic & Stevie. and being named after a family Member is very natural like Elinore Teresa Newman is named after her grandmothers so is being named after a parents favorite litterary of film Character like beach Volleyball players Kerri Walsh and Shooter Jennings Did with their second son Sundance Thomas after Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid or Melissa Newman did with her youngest Son Henry after Henry Gondorf from the Sting there have been worse names in Hollywood Audio Science Pilot Inspektor ect

  33. I cant wait for the arrival of this baby.i know she will be beautiful like her mom

  34. mamabear922

    wanna know why I LOVE THE SUPERFICIAL?? Becuz of phrases like “furry shart”. I think I peed my pants….needed that laugh!!! Thanks

  35. Jessica looks like a real woman who is preggers. NOT like the FAKE Beyonce pregnancy that she reportedly remarkably got her figure back so quickly from.

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