Jessica Simpson: ‘My Breasts Get Me Out of Parking Tickets’

April 14th, 2011 // 48 Comments

“So I said, ‘If I can’t fart in here, why are my boobs so big?’ We signed the deal that night.”

Jessica Simpson appears in People’s World’s Most Beautiful Issue where she discusses having huge breasts since the sixth grade which I’m going to read as her dad took her swimming a lot:

“There’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”

Of course, the joke’s on Jessica Simpson because parking tickets are all of what $10-15? Not to mention, she lives in Hollywood where the police will literally shoot somebody if a celebrity asks them to. “Well, Ms. Simpson, you did drive your car through a day care, but don’t you worry. *click click* I’ll handle the witnesses. And, yes, I see what you’re doing there with your shirt up. I’m, uh, I’m actually a woman, but don’t be embarrassed, you’ve been through a terrible ordeal. Now where was I? Eyewitnesses, right.” *BANG BANG BANG BANG*

Photos: Splash News


  1. keep wearing those horizontal stripes they totally hide your gut

    • SATAN

      she sucks hahahah

      • Jason

        parking tickets are left on your car? i’m pretty sure about 90% of time the vehicle owner is not present when they get a parking ticket. so unless she puffs out her chest and the ticket disappears into thin air i doubt she gets out of parking tickets. speeding tickets maybe. this bitch is so dumb she can’t even tell a lie without it being wrong.

  2. JC

    I thought you were supposed to use feminine wiles to get out of traffic stops, not parking violations? Does she park her car and then just sit in it and wait for the meter maid to come by? Seems like the easier solution would be to just drive away.

  3. Jessica Simpson Breasts
    Commented on this photo:

    i think you’re exaggerating how big they are, come on we can see them

  4. Jessica Simpson Breasts
    Commented on this photo:

    last week everyone was pregnant. this week everyone’s going full retard

  5. Annie

    $15 parking tickets?!?! In Chicago they are 50+

  6. Cock Dr

    When’s the wedding? Has she bought him his tux & arranged the venue yet?

  7. Jimbo

    How is this news? All chicks get out of tickets by showing their boobs and smiling at the cop. The bigger the boobs, the more tickets they get out of.

  8. i want to suck the farts out of her asshole…

  9. slampon

    i always admire a woman who can learn to accept the burden of having large, full breasts. a national treasure, this one.

  10. KlaxonDargon

    Cops don’t give parking tickets in person. I think you mean speeding tickets you stupid blond kunt.

    • vitobonespur

      Hey, don’t call Jessica a kunt! The word is “cunt.” Sheesh.

      • b4n4n4ph0n3

        Yeah, save it for a Kardashian.

        Also, most parking tickets in LA are $60. As for parking ticket vs. moving violation, she probably really does get parking tickets. And then rubs her sweater-meat all over the parking meter, slobbering until her assistant sneaks the ticket off her windshield and pays for it with 20′s stolen out of her purse while she’s passed out later. “Them things are like baby-food-makin’ miracle workers!”

  11. My Name Peggy

    I have huge…Tracts of land.

  12. Hugh Gentry

    this is all you got so far today??? Do you ever question what the hell you’re doing with your life?

  13. Dan

    No more talking of Jessica Simpson!!!

  14. The only thing Jessica has been using her boobs for is getting her meals supersized for free, way to save that dollar girlfriend!

  15. “… and these sausage fingers can open pickle jars like a bench vise.”

  16. David M. Bishop

    Her breasts may get her out of parking tickets, but her mouth gets her kicked out of Buffets.

  17. Sadly, her gut gets her out of Lane Bryant, because they don’t make mu-mus that large.

  18. ntlj

    Horizontal stripes are not your friend. Try an invisible cloak.

  19. Jessica Simpson Breasts
    Commented on this photo:

    Only a lucky few are blessed with ‘Ralph Wiggum face’.

  20. terry

    Her titties get her out of parking tickets?
    She should be more truthful and say that widening gut causes her intestines to explode gas out between her ever growing flatbread ass which causes the cop to choke on her flatulence.

  21. SATAN

    This chick is so desperate to figure out a roundabout way to say she’s “still got it” that she’s now resorting to bragging about getting out of traffic tickets? That’s like a 12 year-old bragging about being potty-trained.

    This might be a new all-time low for her.

  22. Keyser Ballsy

    Did her boobs get people to propose marriage?

  23. Jessica Simpson Breasts
    Commented on this photo:

    Don’t they usually leave parking tickets on your windshield whilst you’re out shopping or whatever? So what is she doing sitting in parked car with her boobies out?

  24. Mike

    $10-15 for a parking ticket? Are things still in black and white where you live? I guess $15 is a lot of money for just having tied up your horse in the wrong spot and when you can buy a gallon of whiskey for a nickel.

    • I completely set myself up for that one.

      And for the record, we just got Technicolor last week. Also, word from down yonder is we’ll soon have a real doctor with real medicine potions. By gum!

      • The Critical Crassness

        You finally got Technicolor! Then, the quality of the images you post should improve, since you can now see what things really look like!

  25. Dutch

    “So you say the ham is this big? Wow. Yeah, sure, I’ll go to your car with you.”

  26. kirby

    what’s the point of having a great rack when you’re dumb as . . .oh right.

  27. Jessica Simpson Breasts
    Mark R
    Commented on this photo:


  28. Jessica Simpson Breasts
    Commented on this photo:

    I will have the turducken, chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey….make it this big…with gravy….mmmmmm gravyyyyyyy…grrrrr

  29. Jessica Simpson Breasts
    Commented on this photo:

    Oops….I tooted

  30. Jessica Simpson Breasts
    Commented on this photo:

    “Next time, la la la, you get a parking ticket, oh oh oh, show them your tits, hey, hey, hey, and you’ll get out of it, yea, yea yea!”

  31. Jessica Simpson Breasts
    Commented on this photo:

    now all cops who are about to write jessica simpson a ticket need to hold up their cell phones, ready to snap that pic

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