Jessica Alba is Disgusted With This Body

July 12th, 2011 // 86 Comments

To promote Spy Kids 4*spit take*Jessica Alba appears in the August issue of Allure where she whines about how having a baby ruined her body and then shit-talks Gisele Bundchen:

“I can’t ever get down to the weight I was before I had Honor,” she says. “My body’s just different. The jeans just sort of zip up differently, and things hang differently. It’s a miracle what happens, but you definitely are different afterward.” She laughs. “Unless you’re Gisele.”

Ahahaha! Her body’s ruined by child birth and she hates Gisele for having superhuman genes. Oh, celebrities, you’re just like us. But seriously, anyone find it annoying that Jessica Alba got pregnant just to rope Cash Warren into marriage, only to complain it ruined her body so much she did it again? I’m pretty sure there’s a word for repeating the exact same action and expecting different results, and it’s every single woman I’ve ever met. Then again, this also enables me to have awkward, 30 seconds of sex where I cry each time, so scratch everything I just said. Handbags! Who wants handbags? Beautiful, over-priced handbags you’ll use for four weeks tops.

Photo: Fame, Splash News


  1. dr.jimmy

    I don’t know how she will look like after this pregnancy but after Honor she looked to me the pretty much the same as before. I nearly analysed inch by inch her cadid bikini photos made after pregnancy, published on this and many other sites and I never found anything wrong, no stretch marks, hanging skin etc.

    • panty-puddin'

      You should get out more.

    • Drew

      So not only are you a fucking creep, but you’re “analyzing” her body using airbrushed/Photoshopped images?

      Okay champ. No really, get out more.

    • Cakeflourz

      Oh come one guys, he’s not THAT bad. Is he creepy? Of course. But if he didn’t analyze Jessica Alba’s body pre- and post- pregnancy, who would?

    • anonymous

      dr.jimmy is a shitty analyst or he is blind. You can clearly see some stretch marks on her cellphone photos.

    • Dick Douche, Private Eye

      …Then again, this also enables me to have awkward, 30 seconds of sex where I cry each time, so scratch everything I just said. Handbags! Who wants handbags? Beautiful, over-priced handbags you’ll use for four weeks tops. Beautiful handbags. Beautiful Chinese handbags. Beautiful handbags from China. Other places too! Hong Kong, I think, and many many more! reasonable prices too…

  2. Well it looks like a marvel comics artist has a chance with her now.

  3. Lemmiwinks

    People like Gisele get away with it because they’re long and lean. Jessica is about 4 feet tall, so months spent carrying around and then squeezing out the equivalent of a canned ham takes it’s toll. Why do you suppose Verne Troyer has to ride around on a scooter? Because he had a baby, that’s why.

  4. So now after baby #2, she’ll have to wake up being just a 9. Life’s a bitch.

    • no kidding she’d already had her first before machete, and she looked plenty hot in that. could all be a ruse for compliments.. tho that penis button better snap back in too, katie-copier!

  5. Jessica Alba Pregnant Body
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t get the hate. Everything she said was true. Sure, you love your kids but things really do just hang differently afterwards, unless you’re Giselle. Or Miranda Kerr.

  6. Frank Wunder

    Thankfully Jessica Alba is nice to look at because whenever she speaks she reminds us of just how bad the public education system truly is.

    But, alas, since Jessica’s body isn’t the same as it was I see no reason for me to spend money on seeing movies that she’s in as I wouldn’t want to make her feel bad, so here’s to Jessica Alba’s confidence and may it reach new lows, I mean highs, cheers!

  7. Jessica Alba Pregnant Body
    Commented on this photo:

    I am not Giselle and I am a lot thinner now than I was before I had my baby…. 1 year ago.

    It´s called breastfeading and taking care of your own baby instead of paying soemone else to

    never dieted in my life
    being a mom is the best work out ever

  8. Josephus

    Looking at those pictures, I feel like the Jewish guys in “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle” when they’re watching “The Gift.”

    “OHHH TITS!! Those aren’t real!!” Yes they are!!”

  9. Frank Burns

    Being pregnant apparently makes her forget her bra too. Huzzah for pregnancy (except for those which I’m directly responsible for)!

  10. Grand Dragon

    There are thousands of chicks I see every day at my shitty college that now have a better body than Alba. Why? Because they haven’t squeezed out a kid. Babies and age ruin all women. At least she hasn’t just given up on life and turned into a Jabba yet, though.

    • Frank Burns

      Which college, barber or clown?

    • Blech

      She’ll bounce back, just like the last time.

      One more thing pregnancy does to a woman (for the Gay Puerto Rican in Beauty School to know): it fucks with your hormones. She’s probably just having more mood swings and stuff like that this time around. Not every pregnancy is the same.

      (Never had babies, just been around many pregnant women.)

      • qwerty

        There’s no way to tell whether she’ll “bounce back, just like the last time”. There’s lots of women who’ll tel you they thought the same after their 1st kid and after the 2nd…well,they got a surprise

    • Tinklepants Astronaut

      You should change your screen name to “Gay Puerto Rican In Beauty School”. If you don’t, I might just grab it for myself, and wouldn’t that be all kinds of wrong? Besides, “Grand Dragon” sounds like you lead the Ku Klux Klan, and they are sooo two centuries ago.

  11. Jen

    I respect Jessica Alba for being honest about pregnancy and the toll it takes on a gal’s body. It really does change your metabolism and hips etc. Supermodels like Gisele have seriously long torsos (most swim models do) and allow for much more growing room than shorter people such as Jessica.

  12. save fish

    this is the first post fish made where i’d say im worried about him. dude seems ready to go off the deep end!

    • MrsWrong

      Whatever. His post made me spit my food out I laughed so hard. If I could reply to HIS post I would *raise hand* oooh oooooh me first

  13. save fish

    need a break buddy?

  14. oneone

    i love this chick

  15. pillary

    hilary duff meanwhile hasnt popped any out, what’s her excuse for looking like a mom?

  16. AMG JMG

    hope she tweets her tits again!

  17. PoorMaryKelly

    Most women would give their left boob to look like Jessica on her worst day. Pregnancy doesn’t have as much of an effect on a woman’s body as breast feeding does. If you breastfeed there’s a good chance of your tits looking like tribal tits from the NatGeo channel. But that’s what plastic surgeons are for.

    • TomFrank

      I think if a woman gives up her left boob, by that very gesture, she’ll never look like Jessica Alba. Christina Applegate, maybe.

  18. Jessica Alba Pregnant Body
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s still one of the most beautiful women out there!!!

  19. erika

    I am not Giselle and I am a lot thinner now than I was before I had my baby…. 1 year ago.

    It´s called breastfeading and taking care of your own baby instead of paying soemone else to

    never dieted in my life
    being a mom is the best work out ever

  20. If Jessica means her body and face look like OctoMom then yes, I agree. Disgusting.

    • Blech

      No it doesn’t, you jealous homosexual. Octo looks like the tranny you fantasize about night after night. Not Jessica.

      She just looks bloated.

  21. Know what she should be disgusted with? Those pants!

  22. “…before I had honor.”
    Bitch, you never had honor. Tell us this, did you discard the script for Spy Kids 4, like you claim to always do, then write it on the fly, as you “acted?” Or is Robert Rodriguez too much like Shakespeare, with every word having a layered meaning?

    She reminds me of the scene in, “Team America World Police,” when Susan Sarandon almost gets them to untie her, before Gary, the hero, steps in and says, “Hold on — she’s “acting,”" like it’s some sort of higher form of intelligence.

    PS. I know Honor is the name of her kid.

  23. Jessica Alba Pregnant Body
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Boo-hoo….pregnancy changed my body. I’ll never be the same again.
    Insecure & neurotic woman shamelessly fishing for reassurance & compliments. Bleah.
    Post some shots of your swollen boobs: I’m sure a few guys will fall all over themselves to pump up your fragile ego.

  24. Liz

    I don’t think she’s shit-talking Gisele. I think she was complimenting her for looking so good even after giving birth.

    Or maybe I was missing the malice.

  25. Beefarino

    Looks like she ate a Taco Bell burrito.

  26. Pat C.

    Seriously, I don’t think she was complaining, either. Just stating facts.

    Think about this example: “I used to live in Texas. Now I live in California”. Is that a complaint? If so, is it a complaint about Texas or California?

  27. Jessica Alba Pregnant Body
    Commented on this photo:

    Well, if we are all lucky, the hate will consume her, and she’ll …..

    and maybe, if we’re lucky, she’ll drink heavily and take some little pills to help easy the pain….

  28. The Critical Crassness

    Once again Fish proves that the subtleties of the English language escape him.
    “Unless you’re Gisele” hardly qualifies as “shit-talk” It sounds, based solely on her statements in the rest of the quoted interview segment, to be more like wishful thinking.

  29. You know what the hottest chick on the planet wants to make her life complete? Babies.

    You know what a chick who used to be the hottest chick on the planet before having babies wants? Her old body back.

    This is why nobody wants to hear what women are thinking.

  30. WTF

    Even more miraculous than having a baby? Her continued “acting” career.

  31. onceler

    she should spend more time with weird people like me who have the hots for pregnant chicks. I could boost her ego, I bet

  32. Venom

    She looks fantastic pregnant.
    Gorgeous woman, too bad she just never smiles.

  33. Jessica Alba Pregnant Body
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow…that is sexism…bordering on all out misogyny. She made a good-natured joke that I took to be complimenting Gisele and that can get turned into catty female hatred because women don’t care about anything but getting a man and being prettier than other women? (Somehow I’ve found the time to go to university, develop hobbies, travel, volunteer with handicap kids, and have lots of sex that didn’t involve rectifying my bad self-esteem or trying to catch a man. Some of us live our lives as complete, self-confident people, not vapid female stereotypes desperate to be sexually attractive) Also somehow you have intimate knowledge that she tricked someone into marrying her by purposefully getting pregnant? How like a woman!

    I realize your audience consists of a veritable Whitman’s Sampler of all the lowest forms of humanity the internet has to offer and people who cling to racism and sexism because they need some reassurance that they are better than someone else despite never having accomplished anything of significance in their life. I also realize these retards pay your bills, but I did appreciate this site at one time for having the balls to not pander to that shit and actually acknowledge moronic sexism where it existed in the same way it calls out racism and homophobia occasionally. The joke used to BE sexism, but super disappointed to see misogyny is now what’s funny here too. Prejudice jokes are cheap humor and really not funny just on a comedy level. I’ll laugh at the worst sexist joke when the joke is obviously ironic. Come on, man. I’m not expecting you to change these mouthbreathers minds, just not encourage them. That shit actually does real damage to how women think of themselves. It’s degrading. I was legitimately impressed by you calling out people who support Ben Rothlisberger. Your humor is pretty damn smart. I can tell you know better and actually have a brain unlike most your commenters, please don’t encourage prejudice. It just perpetuates everything lame in the world, y’know?

    Oh and to save time, I’ll pre-respond to the inevitable flood of knuckledraggers that are going to “TL;DR”, call me an ugly dyke, and/or tell me to suck their dick/get back in the kitchen and chortle and derp to themselves over their stinging wit. This is my response to you: You are an idiot and that must suck a lot. Good luck!

    • Whoa! What’s with the wall of text lady. Jeez…

    • Hershey

      Totally agree with everything said here. It’s kind of horrifying to think about the number of girls who read site, and what some of the comments written must do to their self-esteem. I think the majority of the people who comment here have no idea just how devastating or insanely degrading their words can be. And it sucks that these people think they’re being just HILARIOUS.
      I do find this site entertaining, but I think it can go too far sometimes.

  34. Blech

    At least she’s not spewing “I’m hot” like Kardashian, Hilton and some other fame whores who, in all honesty, aren’t hot.

    Jessica looks good. Hope she keeps her head up.

  35. Melissa

    She has always had a good body and always will. She is insecure enough to maintain her looks forever, this is not a bad thing. She will age well and look fab. She looks a lot younger then she is too, so honestly I can’t hate on her looks. Now her acting is a whole other issue.

  36. The Everlasting Know-it-all

    Still gorgeous. Nom mom nom

  37. lol

    She’s a Mexican. that’s what they do. breed.

    • Venom

      Yeah because no other people breed including white people, cough cough Kate Gosselin, cough cough The Duggars.
      Fucking idiot.

    • Blech

      At least they can control their kids, dickbag.

      Would love to see a Mexican kid get out of hand with his Mexican dad or mom around. I can guarantee reactions won’t sound like this:

      “No, no, cute little Hudson and Kathryn. Please don’t crawl under that table.”

  38. Jessica Alba Pregnant Body
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m sorry, but she looks amazing here. Hope I look like that if I ever get pregnant.

  39. subwayduck

    To be fair, it doesn’t really sound like she’s complaining.

  40. Jon and Kate Plus Hate

    Have you seen her mom? It is not going to turn out well for poor Jessica

    • SS

      Jessica takes care of herself. She eats fruits, veggies and lean meats. She exercises daily and doesn’t eat processed food. If any heavy or obsese person would do this, they wouldn’t be fat.

  41. KOOL GUY

    summmer whishes a happy summer!”‘thanks forreadin!

  42. Pippy Longcocking

    I’ll never fap to Sue Storm promo shots again!

  43. the captain

    she looks like a mexican roller coaster full of dope: A DISGUSTING ILLEGAL!!!

  44. jill

    Soooo….what’s with the man hands photoslopped in on that pic with the hippie drink?

  45. KIMM

    Shit. If you start out with a bod like Jessica and having a baby kills your bod, if I ever have a kid I will probably just dissolve into a pile of goo.

  46. Girl

    i agree with her comments about not liking her body being pregnant. i am currently pregnant and can’t stand it! but, i have to say that if you breastfeed, your body goes back to normal after, if not skinnier. i know that giselle is very earthy and pro-breast feeding and she is a prime example. i have many friends who have gotten pregnant and their bodies go back to how they were before simply by breastfeeding. there seems to be a lot of people who are completely unaware of this fact! not to say that jessica doesn’t/ won’t breastfeed…. because i think she looked great after her first kid, but more to all the ignorant people out there who are clueless about this kind of stuff.

  47. Louis Winthorpe III

    so am I Jessica, so am I.

  48. Jessica Alba Pregnant Body
    Commented on this photo:

    In this pic, she looks like a murderous freak who was inspired to get out razor after watching “The Wall”.

    Cheer the fuck up, crankypants.

  49. Francine

    All hollywood actrices are bitches anyway!

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