Jessica Alba’s Organic Infant Formula Is Probably Bullshit, Too


The hubris of naming a company “Honest” must be too much for the universe to bear, especially when the face of said company is a Hollywood actress who played a stripper who didn’t take her top off. That’s borderline satanic. Which is why it’s now the ten thousandth time that Jessica Alba’s Honest Company is being sued for being “shady as fuck lying ass motherfuckers” — Exact language from the legal filing. Via Page Six:

The suit reads, “Of the 40 ingredients . . . more than a quarter are synthetic substances that are not allowed in organic products . . . some . . . are federally regulated as hazardous compounds. At least one of these ingredients is irradiated . . . some have not been assessed as safe for human foods, much less for infant formulas.”

Irradiated? Like, as in turn my kid into Spider-Man irradiated? Because, I’m willing to give that a sh–*shoves Fish away from keyboard* Like almost everything else labeled organic in this country, Honest Company Organic Infant Formula uses this wording for one reason and one reason only: Marketing. It’s the same reason a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch has ‘First Ingredient Whole Wheat’ in bold all over it, even though you’re essentially feeding your kid a bowl of pixie sticks for breakfast. The best part about The Honest Company and other bullshit organic labels being called out is that their target demo — white people who will pay double for bananas even though THE PEEL IS A FUCKING QUARTER INCH THICK — will just move onto the next phony, pat-themselves-on-the-back health initiative (Looking right at you non-GMOs) then head to Chipotle and consume more calories than they should eat all day. Ain’t hypocrisy grand?

And in the interest of full disclosure, I should say this post has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that someone gave us a small pack of Honest Company Diapers, which we used exactly two of before stopping after my kid pissed directly through them both as if I wrapped a cheesecloth around his junk and went, “Yep, that’ll do it!” Nope, nothing to do with that at all. *smashes face into super absorbent Pampers, inhales wonderful chemical smell that keeps poop off my fingers*

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