Jesse Metcalfe checks into rehab

March 22nd, 2007 // 64 Comments

A rep for Jesse Metcalfe confirmed that he checked into a rehab center for alcohol abuse this week. His rep released a statement saying:

“On Monday, March 19, Jesse Metcalfe entered a rehab facility to deal with alcohol issues. He realized he had a problem and was anxious to deal with it immediately. The actor, best known as the hunky gardener on the ABC show ‘Desperate Housewives’ and the star of the film ‘John Tucker Must Die,’ hopes that the media will allow him the privacy to deal properly with his treatment.”

Jesus Christ it must suck to be somebody’s rep, because you have to refer to people like Jesse Metcalfe as “the hunky gardener on the ABC show ‘Desperate Housewives’ and the star of the film ‘John Tucker Must Die.’” If I had that job I’d just refer to all my clients as Douchebag 1, Douchebag 2, etc. Unless I represented Angelina Jolie. Then I’d just remove my pants and refer to her as “My Love.”



  1. amaritimer

    The newest Hollywood fad. Rehab. Nice.

  2. DMM

    No one cares if this guy went into rehab or not other than his family and friends. So why even have your rep announce it?
    I’m really tired of celebs going into rehab. Get some self control or keep it that shit to yourself.

  3. DMM

    No one cares if this guy went into rehab or not other than his family and friends. So why even have your rep announce it?
    I’m really tired of celebs going into rehab. Get some self control or keep that shit to yourself.

  4. Danner

    This is boring crap. Next!

  5. lustpockets

    Who is the fucking ass clown? I hope he relapses and starts injecting Jack Daniles like Motely Crue did. Fuck celebrities and thier mexican gardeners.

  6. one_and_only_fan_of_ponk's_troll

    another celebrity who can’t handle all the success, for shame.

  7. Drew Barrymore endured a notoriously troubled childhood, smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol by the time she was 9, smoking marijuana at 10, and snorting cocaine at 12.

    Drew has this flagrant faggot beaten by a long stretch.

  8. julyper

    Probably he had to drink before every Eva Longoria Banging scene. Poor guy.

  9. Nsomniac

    Hmm, extra role in a cbs series. I’d put that just below “guy jerking off by pool #3″ in Harry Pooter and the Sorcerer’s Bone. Sure each show has poor writing and even worse acting, but at least the porn gig ends in an explosion of heartfelt love. Gardener boy gets to look all buff but leaves with blue boys.

  10. lambman

    Well, he’s washed up and in his mid-20′s I’d start drinking too.

  11. Rehab’s like a vacation. A vacation where you can’t drink or snort oxycontin. Talk about the worst vacation EVER!!!

  12. CCClub


  13. DrPhowstus

    What’s next, a Cambodian baby and anorexia?

  14. biatcho

    jigga who?

  15. elvisfanlaura

    Alright, so I know I’m gonna get a lot of flack for this but I feel compelled to speak. For the second time in two days the use of Jesus’ name has been used in a way that is offensive. (See above and Queen Latifa doesn’t like her swimsuit.) I know this is a site for making fun of people and stuff, but is it necessary to do it in that way? I mean, the reason I come to this site is for the bitingly sarcastic and original writing…I think you can do better than falling back on the old “Jesus Christ” bit.

  16. DrPhowstus

    @15 — Jesus fucking Christ you’re a goddamned turd.

  17. brooklynite8215

    @ 15 does the power of Christ compel you to be such an old bible beating bitty?

  18. elvisfanlaura

    I don’t think of myself as a Bible beater, but I am a Christian. And yeah, the power of Christ does compel me to say something. That’s why I did.

  19. JungleRed

    @15: Douchebag: If you knew you were going to get a lot of flack why did you open you pie hole in the first place? Just remember the verbal ass-kicking you’re about to receive doesn’t make you a martyr in the name of Christ. And Jesus isn’t immune to a sarcasm any more than Queen Latifah.

  20. jrzmommy

    Jesus Jumped-Up Tap Dancing Christ! Who in the fuck is Jesse Hatclif…what’s his name? Metzger? Metsomething. Jesus.

    And what in God’s fucking nightgown are you babbling about #15?

  21. elvisfanlaura

    #19: I fully expected the “verbal ass-kicking”…bring it on! I have an opinion and I feel strong about it. There’s a better way to say what was said than using Jesus name offensively.

  22. Nsomniac

    The power of Christ compels me to tell you to take your value impressing ass over to the Trinity Broadcast Network forum and post there. You’re reading a site that’s sole purpose is to drag down and laugh at the pain of people within our society. I’m pretty sure the site as a whole is against every value your “Jesus” would have asked you to hold true. It’s like your fucking your neighbor’s wife and saying “could you please not scream ‘god’ during sex, it kind of offends me.”

  23. PettyBaby

    I’m a Bible beateroffer. And I’ve got to tell you, elvisfanlaura – I’ve got to testify – that Jesus has a fucking GREAT ASS!!! I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s PERFECT, right? I hope He’s into role-reversal, because He can nail me any day!!!

  24. artmonkey3000

    They do make pills now to make those voices go away. Y’know, those voices that tell you to do stuff.

    Also, this dude woudn’t be driven to drink so much if he’d just come out of that closet already.

  25. biatcho


  26. biatcho

    Elvis Fan?? I think that is more offensive than the fact that you love the baby jesus so much. Are you one of those speed regulators on the highway, too, who love to do 40 in the left lane and never move to the right even though everyone behind you is flashing their high beams so we can do 85?

    I am pretty sure jesus would not approve of you trolling around a site as superficial as this. Damn christian hypocrites. You know your husband likes little boys right?

  27. elvisfanlaura

    #22: You’re probably right…I never claimed to be perfect or better than anybody else. Just saying what I think.

  28. jrzmommy

    Jesus was hot.

  29. CCClub

    elvisfanlaura, if you’re not better than anybody else then why do I care what you think?

  30. biatcho

    Yeah, Jesus was hot, but I was kinda turned off when he got older and got those piercings.

  31. one_and_only_fan_of_ponk's_troll

    elvisFan, just a suggestion here, “righteous indignation” is an obvious facade that is an affront to true christianity. Suck it up and grow a pair. WWJD.

  32. biatcho

    #30, impostor biatcho, don’t make me slap the stink off of you. Get funny or die trying, immediately.

  33. iamsosmrt

    Remember when this loser was on that soap PASSIONS. No wonder he’s a drunk!

  34. FRIST!!!

    Jesus? I thought we were talking about JESSE. I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t go to rehab….
    Hey can I bum a percocet from anbody? I have a bit of a hangover….

  35. jrzmommy

    Wait a minute….are we talking about the same Jesus? I’m talking about Jesus Rodriguez…the guy who drives the purple and gold Celica that sits low to the ground with the praying hands on the back windshield? Are you guys talking about…..Ohhhhh… guys are talking about Jesus Christ. Okay. Well, he was hot, too, in a Chris Cornell/old Soundgarden kinda way.

  36. iamsosmrt

    I love watching these greedy self absorbed fucks self distruct.

    They think they are gods on mount olympus, they whine and whine about the Paparazzi and how hard it is to be famous while they make obscene amounts of money in this fucked up world where the real heroes have next to nothing.

    It’s called KARMA hollywood, so eat up you pieces of shit!!!!

  37. FRIST!!!

    I thought #30 comment was hilarious, but twisted…
    #35 mmmmmm….Chris Cornell….

  38. jrzmommy

    DESTRUCT….WITH AN I. that’s ironic, Iamsosmrt.

  39. suzy

    he also played Miguel on NBC’s soap Passions for like 3 years or something.

    he was adorable then and now..

    drunk or not lol

  40. BarbadoSlim

    Who the fuck is jesse metcalf? And as for jesus does he even count as a celebrity anymore, he’s like, so roman empire, f-list at best.

  41. iamsosmrt

    #38, Well ‘I’ do love to watch the destruction.

    Plus, I’m too sexy for my spell check, too sexy for my spell check …

  42. .
    Oh PLEASE, This Douchebag just got kicked out of a club for being an asshole. Since he has no job he needs an excuse for why he acts like such a dick. YAY! I’ll go to Rehab!

    Please, he’ll act like a dick again, get barred from clubs again and have to think of some other excuse for why he is such a douchebag.

  43. whitegold

    So what, now that the adopting/stealing foreign babies fad has become played out, the cool new thing for hollywood celebs to do is go to rehab? And please, this guy doesn’t have anything on BS. She’s set the standard mighty high for crazy substance abuser!!!

  44. whitegold

    Oh, and btw, who releases a statement to the press about having issues and entering rehab and then asks that the press give them privacy?! If he wanted privacy, why did he make this so public?! Shit, it’s not like anyone was invading his private space prior to this.

  45. For alcohol? This douche needs to rehab his penchant for sucking cock.

  46. Didn’t Jesus star in that one flick… “The Passion”

    I think he was even oscar nominated for those Kirk Cameron movies… “Left Behind”. But it was Best Screenplay, or some lame award like that…

  47. woodhorse

    You have the fucking nerve to offend decent people (well, I am)by mentioning that misogynist, racist, drug-addicted hypocrit, fat pig ELVIS yet we can’t say “Jesus Wept”, “Christ on a Stick” or “Holy Mother Mary of Nazareth” without you trying (good luck!) to chastise us??? You’re a moron.

  48. woodhorse

    that asshole sidetracked me and I forgot to ask the important thing: what about his eyebrows? Are his eyebrows going to be OK? I mean, he was supposed to have the perfect eyebrows….

  49. DMM

    right on #44

  50. Douchebag1

    Hey wait a minute. What’d I do?

    Oh and yes, Jesse MetLife is a douche. Find a picture of him with a hot chick and I’ll post it on my blog:

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