Jessa Duggar Wasn’t Fucking In A Church

Yesterday, a widely-circulated – and still uncorrected – rumor started flying around the Internet that Jessa Duggar got caught fucking inside the church immediately after her wedding ceremony. Except with just a little bit of digging, Vince Mancini at FilmDrunk easily figured out the source of the rumor, a blog called My Life As A Stay At Home Wife And Mother! is a satire site. Not to mention this would actually require the Duggars to be interesting instead of an army for Jesus shat out of a poor woman’s vagina which is what they literally are. Plus these kids didn’t even kiss or “front hug” out of fear that their sex parts might feed them into the maw of Satan. No, these two play shit by the book of which I happen to have a copy of:

Chapter Four: Procreation

Now that you have entered into the sacred institution of marriage, it is time to set your wife onto the sole purpose of her creation: Production of children until her womb has become dust and cast from your sight. If you have done things in a Holy and Godly manner, you should be reading this chapter on the night of your wedding and not before as the disgusting and vile acts contained within are not to cloud your thoughts for more than the two minutes of which you perform them. The vagina is a terrible and evil device except when a child dwells within. And only then.

THE COITUS

Befitting custom, your wife should now be on the bed in an all-covering nightgown so that her Satanic breasts, buttocks and unholy orifice of iniquity are not driving you to such untoward activities as “foreplay.” Which is a word we just made up, so do not go researching it. It is forbidden.
Once your penis becomes engorged through prayer (and should it not become engorged immediately proceed to Chapter 16: So You’re A Homosexual, Don’t Worry, We Can Fix It, There’s No Need To Tell Anyone) you will immediately insert it into your wife’s vagina as quickly as possible using whatever means necessary. Think of yourself as a soldier in a war who must quickly exit and enter a dangerous trench before the enemy skewers you with a bayonet, your vital organs spilled onto the battlefield for all to see. Once inside, deposit your seed with a quickness. You will be acutely aware when this happens, and must be sure to turn your thoughts from the sensation to an image of Jesus dying on the cross. His white, muscular body rippling as He prepares to enter death. These should be your only thoughts at the time and not the awful, wrong, immoral act that hopefully just impregnated your wife with a precious gift.
Once the seed is deposited, quickly withdraw from the vagina for its juices are the nectar of Satan. You must immediately shower them off and refuse all requests to lie with your wife and comfort her after this heinous act. Even more heinous is what should happen should you lie with her post-coitus for this time is the Devil’s strongest bewitching moment when you will be susceptible to your wife’s suggestions as opposed to her ceding to your unwavering authority which should be a Steel Fist unto the Lord punching into the wicked jaws of emotion and gratuitous discourse.
After cleansing yourself of her sin fluids, pray unto the Lord that He might overlook the repulsive deed you have just performed and see fit to place a child into your wife’s womb. As to why what you did was necessary if God’s just going to place a swaddled babe in there himself, refer back to Chapter 1: Don’t Ask Questions.
Now that you’ve learned the skills of procreation, repeat them as necessary for this purpose and this purpose only. For the fires of Hell are hot and fueled by the limbs of cunnilingers and stimulaters of prostates. As it is written.

Excerpted From “Turning A Devil-Hole Into A God-Oven: A Man’s Book of Marriage,” Hallelujah Press, 1942.

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