When we last left former Jersey Shore star Angelina Pivarnick three months ago – Hang on to that length of time for a minute. – she was being dumped by her fiance for banging another dude behind his back who may or may not have been the father of her unborn child at the time. Not even she knows because did I mention she used to be on Jersey Shore? Anyway, none of that really matters because Angelina “lost” the baby and ironically appears on the Father Albert talk show to blame the media for her “miscarriage.” And if you haven’t figured it out, I’m using sarcastic quotes because she had an abortion. Via E! News:
“Everyone in the tabloids and media weren’t really leaving me alone about it…Basically I wanted it to be my personal business, and it really wasn’t,” she said, tearing up. “It was really hard because it came out and I really didn’t want anyone to know about it at first. I went through a lot of stress, and I ended up losing the baby.”
When Father Albert asks specifically if the Shore castoff thinks the media attention actually contributed to her loss, Pivarnick begins to cry.
“Definitely…And even the guy, he wasn’t there for me either. So that was a big thing,” she said.
Pivarnick does not name her baby daddy. She had been with ex-fiancé David Kovacs (who previously old E! News that if he was the father, he would step up and take responsibility) during that period but reportedly cheated on him.
Instead, Pivarnick says the father of the child was “just a guy I was with” and that he wasn’t supportive of the pregnancy.
Here’s how I know Angelina is a lying whore:
1. In 2011, exactly three “newsworthy” “events” regarding Angelina have been “reported” and immediately forgotten within a matter of minutes.
2. Of those three reports, all three involved what a lying whore she is.
3. January Jones, whose carrying a mystery bastard, I should add, along with Jessica Alba, soon-to-be Reese Witherspoon and a slew of other celebrities are photographed daily, all the way up to their scheduled C-sections because pushing shit out of your vagina is for poor people. Angelina Pivarnick has been photographed three maybe four times this year.
4. She doesn’t pee standing up.
After all that, if you still believe Angelina didn’t get an abortion so she can drunkenly bang more dudes behind other dudes’ backs – Although, admittedly I’m not sure how a pregnancy would’ve impeded that because did you know she was on Jersey Shore? – now would be a good time to reexamine every decision you’ve ever made in your life and recognize it was wrong because you’re legally retarded. And if that includes anyone I’ve had sex with, now we know how that happened and can stop blaming the intense eroticism of Monk reruns. And you just stood there and took all the credit, Tony Shalhoub. Just stood there and took it…