Jeremy Renner defuses Jessica Simpson’s heart (I went there.)

March 5th, 2010 // 63 Comments

Because he’s already played an explosive expert in The Hurt Locker, Jeremy Renner thinks it’s time to start handling some real napalm. With his penis. People reports:

Jeremy spent the night hitting on Jessica like crazy,” the source says. “They were really flirting up a storm.” Paves encouraged the two and, the source says, “Jessica loved it!” When the party was over, the two exchanged numbers, entering them into their phones.

Seriously, good for Jeremy Renner. If I managed to come out of nowhere and land a Best Actor nom for playing a character with gigantic testicles, you better believe “Motorboating Jessica Simpson” would be on my to-do list. I’m not saying it’d be the first item, but it’d definitely be somewhere before eating an albino tiger and hunting Dane Cook for sport. Of course, all this is predicated on the fact I think winning an Oscar is the same as finding a genie’s lamp.

Photos: Flynet

  1. Poo

    She turns me on more than handling a pair of slippery udders

  2. Richard McBeef

    There is so much more to titty attractiveness than size.

    Unfortunately, I have not seen J. Simpson’s titties in their full glory, but I suspect they are gross. The veinage is obvious, I suspect huge nipples are involved, and I bet they hang like stretched out tube socks when she is on all fours.

    Give me a perky set of B, C and even some Ds, but leave the anything bigger at home.

  3. Biff Smith

    The writing is funny again. Did the writer change again and I missed it? I have a job that requires me to perform actual work at times and I can’t track every comment ever posted here so someone go ahead and point out that you all had this discussion two weeks and 30 posts ago to insult my intelligence, I can take it!

    P.S. I’d hit it.

  4. bar room hero


    I’d hit it hard tho…


    @3: The people (or most likely person) saying it’s a new writer are trolls and basically Fish has on and off days. They’ve been pulling that shit for years now.

    Also Jessica Simpson’s tits should be listed as my cause of death. Next to suffocation.

  6. jt

    she is so f’n hot, i’m may have an accident. wait, i just did. damn !

  7. AnnaDraconida

    Immense tits are just gross. I bet her udders droop to her belly button without proper support.

  8. chupa

    I’d motorboat, then go after dane cook with a machete….

  9. Matt-Zilla

    do want

  10. Brooklyn's Rough'est

    Shes such a ball buster…

    Not only you have to go though Papi Joe. Now you need to have a full make out session with (John Mayer didnt mind, ill bet) Pave just to get chance to speak with Jessica…

  11. What is a fish? What does that mean?

  12. infromsea



    Man, I bought into the whole “The new writer stinks” thing. Maybe it was just wanting to be a part of something “larger than me” (LIKE THOSE TITS!) but they were stinking up the joint for awhile. It was like my mother was writing the posts and then Jerry Springer jacked her up and took over.

    I guess it’s just me, or the meth, who the hell knows.

  13. terry

    I find her very attractive. Love it when she goes without makeup and gives us that little girl look. MMMmmmmmm

  14. ashleigh

    she looks great.shes always had huge boobs.her legs are so sexy.i wish i had legs like that.

  15. lol…I like how people assume that big boobs automatically means they are saggy, sloppy and tube-sock like. She’s in her 20′s…she’s not 50 for Christ’s sakes. Small boobs eventually sag too, sorry to break it to you. And if a woman wears the proper support and does chest work outs, her breasts will remain perky longer. Besides, if large breasts are so damn awful to some of you, why do so many women stuff their chest cavities with silicone? Oh, that’s right..because most men don’t enjoy concave titties.

  16. Uncleangry

    Good god Watermelon, Could you take a little time and remove yourself from that high horse long enough to realize you’re trying to chastise folks on a site called “Superficial”?!?!?

    Regardless this photo of Jessica says it all “OMG, I’m still relevant? Yes please, please take my picture!”

  17. #16, eat my ass. It will surely be delightful!

  18. This cracked me up– At least Jessica changes it up and tries to date all different types of guys, albeit, some are douches. (ahem, JOHN MAYER IS A DOUCHE). Nice boobs Jessica, you’re looking great.

  19. Nahuel

    I don’t get why people still pay attention to this useless person (among maaany others).
    She can’t sing, she can’t act, she can’t… well… will be here forever typing.
    We have people like these in Argentina but we don’t treat them like royalty. They’re just crappy, stupid and sometimes slutty girls who are there just becose they have breasts.


  20. Nahuel

    “becose”???? LOL

    Well… of course it was “because”.

  21. Diane

    Alli is correct — big boobs do not necessarily sag unless you (1) have a child, (2) gain weight, or (3) get older. For a big-breasted young woman who has never given birth? Well, her boobs are probably rockin’. And I’m glad to see she got rid of the fake lips — she doesn’t need it. She’s stunning.

  22. Deacon Jones

    I will, if you’re an hour, hour and a half tops, drive from Philly

  23. arealcad

    Even Peter North doesn’t have enough man pudding to coat those flesh mountains.

  24. Richard McBeef

    @ watermelon – I’ve seen my share of huge natural titties on girls under 30 and the majority are not cool.

    Why do women stuff themselves with silicone??? Your guess is as good as mine. I think they do it for themselves rather than to please men.

  25. TIger Woods' Sandwedge

    I did some dirty dirty things to those tatters. Yes, a little veiny, but oh so soft. And I’d do it again too if it weren’t for this damn rehab clinic I am in.

    I love these “thack” women.

  26. jt

    i like the veins. is that wrong?

  27. #24, that’s because you’re unlucky enough to pull the fat girls with big tits. =)

  28. Oppa


    Yes, but I bet none of them were “sexual napalm”.

  29. WeirdFishes

    Jessica Simpson in these pictures is my ideal woman – just a tiny smidge of extra weight (aka healthy) with epic tits. I’d lick her asshole right after a shit.

  30. WeirdFishes


  31. Lalala

    I’m a jealous woman. Jeremy Renner isn’t good-looking, but I just get the vibe that he’d be a firecracker in bad.

  32. What the fuck is a Jermey, excuse me, JEREMY Renner? What a fucking desperate tool….

  33. Hi, I’m Jessicunt. I like to fuck, it makes boyz like meee a lot — LOLZ!!!

    Talk about a life support system for a vagina & tits, that’s it right there.

  34. Jeff

    man shes really turning into a butterface, but my god those bewbs! minus those huge FUCKING blue veins, god what a fun titty fuck

  35. She is truly dam hot man! She is really ideal woman I must say. I am fan of her. I don’t care what others are thinking about her I know she is truly deserving personality . Keep it up Jessica.

  36. onceauponatime

    FAT,HOT, MAN? Ok, agree, manly face. His deserving days are OVER! Now FAT and UGLIER than the sister.

  37. a little veiny, but oh so soft. And I’d do it again too if it weren’t for this damn rehab clinic.

  38. captain america

    you don’t have to be clever to “MAKE IT” in america.

  39. Marv

    Jeremy just really want to see if she is good in bed like John Mayer said.
    Then he will move on.

  40. Perfect Double Tapered

    I’d douse ‘um in horsey sauce.

  41. Even Peter North doesn’t have enough man pudding to coat those flesh mountains.

  42. V


    I like veins too, we should hang out.

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  46. i think jessica is a decent person and shes also very good looking and fit, so thats why she is a celebrity.

  47. Wooooow!! She does have “Cow Eyes”

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