Jeremy Piven Is Terrible At Cunnilingus, Says Chick He Just Met Then Let Him Perform Cunnilingus

March 27th, 2012 // 56 Comments
Jeremy Piven
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“What did that old wizard say? ‘Back and to the left?’ Dammit! It’s too hard!”

Apparently there’s some angry stripper/star-fucker/former Us Weekly intern turned celebrity blogger named Sarah Tressler (I’m already lost.) out there who recently wrote a blog post about the time she met Jeremy Piven and then immediately let him go down on her because he’s Jeremy Piven. A tale of proud feminism, if you will. Anyway, in this story, she apparently complains about how terrible he is at using the vagina as a trombone, and you know what? I’ll just let her tell it. Via Gawker:

This is a good song, I thought as his head maneuvered somewhere below my waist. I was kind of also watching TV—a football game was on mute—and finally starting to come to the realization that John Legend was worth all the hype he was getting at the Sundance Film Festival the previous year.
I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my pussy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.
To make matters worse, I caused a minor accident that could have been disastrous. I get a bit lively when I’m being intimate, and I threw a pillow off to the side at one point, which landed on the nightstand. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light.
“Jeremy! The candle— !”
Candlelight is so cliché, anyway.

What always amazes me about these stories, is that these chicks are in such a rush to reveal how horrible a celebrity is in bed that they completely miss the fact that all anyone is reading is, “So he just walked into Us Weekly‘s office and that was enough to make me immediately go to his house and wrap my clitoral hood around his nose.” Because, trust me, Jeremy Piven isn’t reading this story and going, “Wow, I should probably get better at mouth sexing the ladies.” He’s reading this story and going, “Wow, I forgot how easy Us Weekly interns are. I’m going to stop there TODAY.” So, congratulations, Sarah Tressler. Somewhere there’s a poor intern getting sloppily tongue-boxed in-between hearing about the Entourage movie. You might as well have shot her.

Photo: Getty

superficial

  1. 38-28-38

    I didn’t realize one could be bad at it. I guess I will have to thank my bf tonight with a steak and a …

  2. On the Star-Fucker Scale, if Piven is worth immediate tongue lapping, someone like Clooney or Pitt is worth what, letting them wear your skin?

  3. Dick Hell

    Evidently the mercury scare is over.

  4. grobpilot

    Wonder how much mercury he pulled out of that snatch?

  5. That Bastard Tony

    If he is so lousy at it, why not take the time to tell him what you like. Simply say in a seductive yet demanding voice, “That’s my belly button”.

  6. Or maybe she didn’t realize that her pussy smelled like rotting roadkill and he was just having trouble dealing with the awful stench.

  7. LJ

    And the moral of the story is;
    When you pick up a groupie you kick her out after you cum in her mouth.

  8. commander bloop

    Right!? or maybe she doesn’t scrub her poop chute adequately…been there! clinching your cheeks only helps so much, ladies..

    • cc

      Funny, I remember an episode of ‘The Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue’ and a guy called in to complain about just that. The best part? He an east Indian guy with an accent just like Apu and kept saying ‘It was a nasty business!’

      I shit you not.

  9. Jiminy Cryptic

    I find it hilarious that her biggest concern is whether she’s better looking than the last slut he banged.

  10. Cock Dr

    Her parents must be so proud…raising a woman brave enough to call out a D list celebrity on his crap oral sex skillz right here on the world wide web….and damn the future consequences.
    In the old days you just told your closest girlfriends so they wouldn’t make the same mistakes. This truly is the Information Age.

    • BE

      Just another “soon to be jobless” intern – a la QT’s toe sucking incident.

      Young and dumb is an understatement – again…

  11. EricLr

    I just hope my daughter grows up to be a strong, intelligent woman like Sarah Tressler.

    Did I mention that my daughter is a whore, who I also hate?

  12. I would love to hear his side of this shit story.
    “The bitch lit a candle to mask the smell of fish that my face was suddenly buried into. While I was struggling to free myself from her trouser trout, she started throwing shit and almost lit the place on fire. Meanwhile, the whole time I’m doing this she’s rolling her eyes and typing something into her iPad.”

  13. Dude of Dudes

    A pussy eating fail? Jeremy Piven should exit the gene pool immediately. Take Snooki with you.

  14. electricgrl

    Looks like he’s looking for some practice with Miss Emmy there

  15. bonerspunk

    As a guy, I’m usually not worried about a the pleasure some slutty, sleazebag, one night stand is going to have. I could care less about that dumb whore’s satisfaction! I’m saving my best muff munching skills for my girlfriend!!

  16. Funny… I’ve never thought much of Jeremy Piven. And yet here he is – by her own account – willing to go for a nosh in Tunatown, whistle in her wheat fields – call it what you will – for a one-night-stand? This man is a giver, people. He’s clearly all heart, and deserves better than this cruel public derision at the hands of this soulless cum-guzzling whore. Clearly, she owes him a rusty trombone as an apology.

    • Cock Dr

      Take a good long look at Mr Piven.
      D list celebrity-ism just isn’t enough with a mug like that. The man has GOT to go down, and do it well, in order to get any kind of repeat girl action.
      Or pay them. That’s the simplest thing. Charlie knows.

  17. Mr Obvious

    Things you should never complain about:
    1) oral sex performed on you
    2) winning the lottery

    This girl is a slut. What’s her number?

  18. vekfan

    So a nobody whore, spread her legs soon as she met this guy and now is telling the ENTIRE world she’s a whore and will sleep with anyone. Great stuff.

  19. Bob

    If was so “mundane”, then why was she throwing pillows?! Busted!

  20. El Jefe

    No women will care because he is famous and has a sack of cash so they will bang him anyway and she will forever be known to the few people that give a shit about her as a whore.

    Good job whateveryournameisslut.

  21. B

    Actually, this is from the only other blog I read. Diaryofanangrystripper.com. It’s pretty good. Weird, my favorite blog talking about my other favorite blog…

  22. Fucker doesn’t suck dick worth a shit either.

    BTW, I googled Sarah Tessler and she’s not too hard to look at. Just sayin’…
    [img]http://www.thesuperficial.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/27/Sarah Tressler-2-278_332.jpg[/img]

  23. Do_Freebird

    Hey, Jeremy Piven is a star. Doesn’t this slut realize that it’s the job of the fame whore to do all the work? Here tramp – your script:
    1. Fellatio
    2. Anal tonguing – preferably while masturbating Jeremy.
    3. Riding him on top while he smokes a cigarette and/or marijuana.
    4. Reverse cowgirl-Anal.
    5. Immediate Ass to Mouth until he ejaculates into your mouth.
    6. Clean up Piven with a tounge bath then leave quietly.
    Get it right next time bitch.

  24. W.C. Fields

    Piven is terrible in every way possible. That is all.

  25. What’s amazing is just how much this “first person” report has in common in with the tale of Quentin Tarentino jacking off while sucking some woman’s toes. Almost identical in terms of wry asides, deprecating tone, syntax, etc.
    So this is either the same sad woman who is doomed to live a live of being either grossed out or never sexually satisfied, or Robert Downey Jr’s. branching out from just writing BIs.

  26. tits mcgee

    Wow, talk about hateful. The women must love fucking the dudes that post here.

  27. Wow, *no one* congratulated Photo Boy (I presume) on his choice here? Well done, sir; well done.

  28. Biff69

    The flash of light was off his bald spot.

  29. J

    This is a fucking eye-roll and a half towards who ever wrote this shit. There is no possibility, what-so-ever that Jeremy Piven sucks at cunnilingus?

  30. Sniderman

    He gives straight guys a bad rap.
    He clearly was repulsed by forcing himself.

  31. lord of the obvious

    no way in fuck i would go down on a stripper no matter what. really.. does she expect people who value their health at all would head down face first into the disease pit

  32. Robert

    Sarah would and does fuck anyone. Her blog is another cry for the endless attention this almost 30 year old stripper pig needs.

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