Jeremy Piven Is Terrible At Cunnilingus, Says Chick He Just Met Then Let Him Perform Cunnilingus

The Superficial / March 27, 2012

“What did that old wizard say? ‘Back and to the left?’ Dammit! It’s too hard!”

Apparently there’s some angry stripper/star-fucker/former Us Weekly intern turned celebrity blogger named Sarah Tressler (I’m already lost.) out there who recently wrote a blog post about the time she met Jeremy Piven and then immediately let him go down on her because he’s Jeremy Piven. A tale of proud feminism, if you will. Anyway, in this story, she apparently complains about how terrible he is at using the vagina as a trombone, and you know what? I’ll just let her tell it. Via Gawker:

This is a good song, I thought as his head maneuvered somewhere below my waist. I was kind of also watching TV—a football game was on mute—and finally starting to come to the realization that John Legend was worth all the hype he was getting at the Sundance Film Festival the previous year.
I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my pussy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.
To make matters worse, I caused a minor accident that could have been disastrous. I get a bit lively when I’m being intimate, and I threw a pillow off to the side at one point, which landed on the nightstand. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light.
“Jeremy! The candle— !”
Candlelight is so cliché, anyway.

What always amazes me about these stories, is that these chicks are in such a rush to reveal how horrible a celebrity is in bed that they completely miss the fact that all anyone is reading is, “So he just walked into Us Weekly’s office and that was enough to make me immediately go to his house and wrap my clitoral hood around his nose.” Because, trust me, Jeremy Piven isn’t reading this story and going, “Wow, I should probably get better at mouth sexing the ladies.” He’s reading this story and going, “Wow, I forgot how easy Us Weekly interns are. I’m going to stop there TODAY.” So, congratulations, Sarah Tressler. Somewhere there’s a poor intern getting sloppily tongue-boxed in-between hearing about the Entourage movie. You might as well have shot her.

Photo: Getty