Jeremy London’s Story Keeps Getting Bullshittier

June 21st, 2010 // 18 Comments

Jeremy London, a known drug addict, claimed last week that he was kidnapped by two men who forced him to smoke crack and buy alcohol while driving him around in his own car. Since then his family has come forward to essentially say he’s making this shit up and now the story has taken some twists that read like Lindsay Lohan’s entire life:

- The kidnapper gave Jeremy’s wife a ride home. DURING THE KIDNAPPING. Last time I checked most kidnappings don’t go down like Driving Miss Daisy. Except that time Morgan Freeman tried to ass-rape me. True story.

- The police have ordered Jeremy’s family to stop talking to the press which is hampering their case. And by their case I assume arresting Jeremy London for filing a police report that’s the plot of a Six Feet Under episode. I’m guessing that’s frowned upon.

- Jeremy London and his wife both lost custody of their son and are currently subject to random drug tests to regain custody. Then again, I’m sure that’s just a coincidence and not at all the entire motive of everything that just happened here. I have a natural instinct about these things.

At this point, I can’t wait until it turns out the kidnapper was a talking rabbit only Jeremy could see. “He said his name was Harvey and then he touched me ‘down there.’ Oh, God, I can still feel his gloves…”

Photo: Getty

superficial

  1. Castallare

    ugh… really with this guy?

  2. Deacon Jones

    Maybe he has to heroin since his wife’s face looks like a cross between Tara Reid and a bald cat.

  3. Taz

    Why is this guy important?

  4. c.gouker

    Just hurry and announce you are headed for rehab and “regret the poor choices I have made.” That is the only thing that will stop this story. That and the fact that no one knows who the fuck you are.

  5. julie

    he was the dude in Mallrats. I thought drugs make you not fat.

  6. Salad Face

    I didn’t think ‘Dazed & Confused’ was the type of film that required method acting. Jerms has obviously taken this role too seriously… unless there is a sequel planned?

  7. Sugar

    Wow his wife is super ugly. Why hasn’t he joined Celebrity Rehab yet?

  8. rcp

    He could do like Joseph Smith and start a religion.

  9. jess

    must be a slow news day if we’re starting to care about Jeremy London.

    • Deacon Jones

      Hey, he was the shit back in the day, and I’ve gotten laid more than once because girls thought I was him.

      This is no lie, I would have my buddies come up to me in front of girls at random parties/bars and in a loud voice yell “Dude! It’s Jeremy London!” Within seconds I’d have a horde of girls on me, it was great.

      Oh, and the next morning I’d tell them my real name. As a look of shock/hatred washed over their face, I’d scribble my number on something and walk out the door laughing. One girl actually called me back :-)

  10. laura

    i was *just* thinking when i read this… “David Fisher, much?” heh. good call.

  11. jolo

    Was he in Man in the Moon? Or was that his twin Jason?

  12. ChipBiscuit

    He was not in “Dazed & Confused.” That was his brother Jason!

  13. Suds

    He was on Party of Five and was hot in the 90′s. Hasn’t aged well.

  14. Ty Pennington

    Who the fuck is this douche and why is he relevant?

  15. captain america

    he must HATE the truth?
    well folks: HE IS AMERICAN……………..
    (they do)

  16. mimsy

    I heard Jeremy London once fucked Rick Derris on a pool table. With everyone watching no less!

  17. TheTruthFairy

    What a pretty lesbian couple they make!

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