Jeremy London, a known drug addict, claimed last week that he was kidnapped by two men who forced him to smoke crack and buy alcohol while driving him around in his own car. Since then his family has come forward to essentially say he’s making this shit up and now the story has taken some twists that read like Lindsay Lohan’s entire life:
- The kidnapper gave Jeremy’s wife a ride home. DURING THE KIDNAPPING. Last time I checked most kidnappings don’t go down like Driving Miss Daisy. Except that time Morgan Freeman tried to ass-rape me. True story.
- The police have ordered Jeremy’s family to stop talking to the press which is hampering their case. And by their case I assume arresting Jeremy London for filing a police report that’s the plot of a Six Feet Under episode. I’m guessing that’s frowned upon.
- Jeremy London and his wife both lost custody of their son and are currently subject to random drug tests to regain custody. Then again, I’m sure that’s just a coincidence and not at all the entire motive of everything that just happened here. I have a natural instinct about these things.
At this point, I can’t wait until it turns out the kidnapper was a talking rabbit only Jeremy could see. “He said his name was Harvey and then he touched me ‘down there.’ Oh, God, I can still feel his gloves…”