Jennifer Lopez joins the nutsos

December 7th, 2006 // 110 Comments

Jennifer Lopez is so desperate to have a child she’s turning to Scientology. She’s reportedly using their “cleansing process” as recommended to her by her friend Leah Remini, also a devoted Scientologist.

“When a Scientologist says ‘purified’ or ‘cleansed,’ what they’re talking about is the purification rundown,” says Rick Ross of, “which usually involves large doses of niacin, ingesting cooking oil and a regimen of saunas which some say could cause liver damage. So not only is it unlikely to produce the results that J. Lo is hoping for, but it may hurt her.”

Wow really? A baby? With this guy? If they’re really that desperate they should just dig up some graveyards. Because whatever comes out of that womb is gonna end up half-zombie anyway.


  1. Here’s a crazy idea: Go see a fucking physician! I know, I know, you’re scared of proven scientific fact. It’s okay, though. A Spanish physician, fine! Just find someone who knows what the hell they are doing! This is not a space alien planted subconscience pseudo idea being. It is a having a fucking baby! It’s not difficult to conceive, I promise.

  2. llllllllll

    She’s starting to look like Victoria Beckham…especially in the second picture.

  3. normella

    #48 – Hell no I don’t find those skeletal bitches attractive, but chicken legs are gross, dude. Her thighs are big and her calves are super skinny. It looks fucking weird to me.

    Beyonce’s got great gams. Jessica Biel’s got some great legs, too. I think it’s nice when the legs are balanced out and meaty.

  4. TaterFace

    If that guy that played Slugworth in Willy Wonka humped Ali G, the by-product would probably look something like Marc Anthony.

  5. normella

    #52 – I wonder if she’s already tried in vitro?

  6. jesseeca

    honey, just embrace the fact that your uterus is a barren wasteland. you have been punished by the higher power, whether that be god or xenu or whoever, because you’re a raging bitch. end of story.

  7. I don’t really care how JLo’s baby will look like… but I’m interested in Tootie’s baby… she’s all knocked up and we don’t know who the daddy is!!!

  8. I don’t really care how JLo’s baby will look like… but I’m interested in Tootie’s baby… she’s all knocked up and we don’t know who the daddy is!!!

  9. jrzmommy

    Why is JLo hanging out with Squiggy from Laverene & Shirley?

  10. Jeez, they’re all getting brainwashed …

  11. Gizmola

    Am I the only one that thinks they only want a child so the manorexic can drink its blood to stay alive?

  12. GG 4.33

    I heard about this ridiculous “purification” process on Air America Radio, of all places. Leah Remini was on The Majority Report, Janeane Garofalo’s old show, talking about this process. All scientific evidence shows that it’s BS. Stay away from these people. The word cult definitely applies to Scientologists.

  13. jrzmommy

    I like her dress.

  14. whackjob

    There can be no doubt she’s the sexually dominant one in this relationship (strap ons included), so why isn’t el-wormo the one guzzling Wesson and hittin’ the saunas?

    Scientologists: comedy fodder for the masses.

  15. 86

    Splinter and Selena should never procreate.

  16. 86

    Who in the hell would listen to Leah Remini? She is pure evil if you ask me. Attitude!!!!!!!!

  17. techclerk

    Why do these celebs waste time with all these phony flavors of God? Why don’t they convert to the ONE UNTRUE RELIGION?

    Please, Hollywood. Give me just one SubGenius (other than John Waters)


  18. checkyourshorts

    Why not just dig up a sewer rat, dress it in Dolce and Gabanna and say it takes after the father?

    Splinter… ha ha ha.

  19. Courtney

    She does look good. Apart from the distinct aura of conceited bitchskank, of course.

  20. aurealis

    Chola, please! In the past 5 years, have you actually produced anything worth a damn? Especially in collaboration with your men? Just get your Kabbalah on, and buy a Tibetan baby already.

  21. PunjabPete

    Scientology can cure “Puerta Rican Skank”?

  22. j

    i hate jennifer lopez with all of my heart and soul. she is fine example of bad talent but on the other hand, proves that anyone can make it in hollywood. and now i see her career is a flop and is now turning to scientology for a boost how pathetic i wish she would go away and find some other form of work

  23. j

    further more i thought she an marc anthony broke up? i am really disapointed in him for marrying her i thought he had more class than that

  24. EJ

    My god! The perfect solution, is for her to be awarded custody of Britney’s kids! Then Sean and Jayden will be safe, and JLo won’t have to promise her soul to the mighty Hubbard.

    What’s with Scientology now days, anyway? A few years ago it was Kabbalah (sp?) and you couldn’t throw a brick in Hollywood without hitting some desperately aging ex-starlet with a red string around her wrist. Before that, I can’t even remember – Meditation? TM? Something like that.

    Now it’s this crazy Scientology fad. If you want to have kids, why not try Science and leave off the ology? In vitro, anyone?

    For that matter, considering that there are millions of starving orphans in the world, why not adopt a couple? No, not as a fad, I mean for REAL. Two children to love and nourish and maybe, just maybe, you’ll realize that there’s more to life than the next Grammy/Emmy/Fucky award ceremony and dropping 8 million on a dress you’ll never wear a second time.

  25. GG 4.33

    Does anyone in Hollywood actually have talent? Or are they all insane, drunk, whorish, stupid, or all of the above?

  26. GG 4.33

    #75…I agree with ya. Scientology is another stupid fad that these Hollywood types are jumping onto. You’d think they’d avoid it after Cruise’s meltdown a number of months back, but they’re not. Even having children has become a contest/fad between Hollywood couples.

  27. stfu

    He’s so nasty. He looks like a walking disease/drug addict.

  28. andrewthezeppo

    Its just so sad, it’s an evil organization THAT HAS KILLED PEOPLE in the past. And these celebrities dump millions into it, sort of like a secret society except without the secret part.

  29. superficially

    JLo is too self-absorbed to be a mother…

    all that expensive shit she puts on her body to stay forever young probably dried up her eggs…

    hey it’s nature’s way of telling her she cant have everthing….i salute you mother earth !

    * ps *- quitting the Botox might help

  30. somechick

    Jlo looks like a Barbie now. She lost too much weight. She probably does not have enough body fat to be able to conceive

  31. superficially

    No baby wants them for parents….He’s a freak and she’s… well…JLo, the music/film industry slut

  32. asenath7766

    I’m so not a fan of the fur hag, but it seems she would have chosen a more masculine man, perhaps a man actually bigger and taller than herself. Marc has some dainty little hands there…

  33. jazzdrummer420

    #75 Well said EJ well said!!!

  34. LaLa Ballsac

    JLo talking to her husband

    JLo: But honey, scientology gave Tom a baby and he totally loves the cock.

  35. EJ

    Thanks 84. :)

    77, do you want to make a bet on which religion all the celebs will pick up next, earnestly follow for a couple of years, and then slag off in favor of the next hot thing?

    I’ve got 20 bucks on Rastafarianism.

  36. randomcandy

    This makes no sense. I want to punch JLo in the face as much as the next girl, but she’s always looked like she takes good care of herself. I fail to see how liver destroying saunas are going to magically purify her body when a lifetime of healthy living didn’t do it.

    Maybe she should try the britney spears purification program-red bull, cheetos, and cigarettes. It’s worked for the trailer class for many generations, they breed like fucking rabbits.

  37. randomcandy

    76-there are plenty of people with talent. But they are busy producing quality work, not showing their vaginas, smoking crack, joining cults, or showing their vaginas (it deserves a double mention, it’s kind of an epidemic this year)

  38. iburl

    “Hmm…so what you’re telling me is that some eccentric, b-rate sci-fi author who dresses like a Navy admiral says that if I chug this jug of Wesson Oil, I can get a baby out of this aging coochie machine? Sounds like a plan! Do you take Visa?”

  39. beifiori

    well, we KNOW his plumbing works, unfortunately. the only reason I can think of why she would want to be with Lurch is that he must have a huge weenie, because damn he’s is FUUUUUUUUUUUGLY! ugh, gross! it makes me gag looking at him! if they do procreate, Lord I hope that child comes out looking like the mamma. why is the mamma turning to some freak cult instead of science anyway? does she not have a brain? and if she has to drink cooking oil to cleanse her body, well, we only think that ass is big now, fat calories have 9 calories per unit as opposed to others which only have 4, AND they get stored straight away in the body, and besides that, it is dangerous to drink it, and too much niacin can be dangerous, not to mention the fact that it will make her itch to hell and back…here’s a thought, take a vacay, RELAX, get rid of the stress in your life, eat like a normal person instead of the froo froo foods of the to-do society jlo and maybe you’ll start popping out the eggs again.

  40. renee

    Poor J-Lo…… she’ll have a hell of a time giving birth to a big arsed, big headed zombie babie. I actually can’t wait to see the baby, it’ll give other ugly babies like Shilo and Seal/Klum’s baby a run for thier money

  41. Iseewhatyoudidthere

    Someone please give Mark an extra 50 pounds.

  42. Iseewhatyoudidthere

    Somebody give this man 50 more pounds.

  43. She looks damn good here,those legs!I gotta say,im still surprised by her choice of a hubby,that little motherfucker must have a third leg.

  44. happy hands club

    I can’t stand her. She’s so self absorbed. I hope this Scientology scam doesn’t work. What would the community say to that?

  45. LASmogProtection

    Marc Anthony has a great voice, but he still looks like a vampire.

  46. cole007

    #71: RIGHT ON.

    As an aside, has anyone noted her last several appearances looked like she had “cancer” becuase she covered up her hair completely, and now… it’s all BOW out there with the extensions? I think she went prematurely gray and the dyes and straightened fucked it all up. WIGSSSS!

    Please, chola, get a life and adopt already!!!! There are like 6 million to choose from in Africa alone!

  47. cynicalheretic

    All events leading up to this point can be traced back to Mimi Rogers, she in-snared tom, and he butt fucked travolta and this spread the word of L. Ron Hubbard

  48. jojo

    Ewwww…their babies will all look like little count choculas. That dude scares the crap out of me. He looks like he could eat someone’s face. Does he have fangs??

  49. rob

    Scientology is such a joke. L Ron said himself that “The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion”

  50. Luv2rant

    Thank God they found my grandma’s drapes.

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