Jennifer Lopez joins the nutsos

December 7th, 2006 // 110 Comments

Jennifer Lopez is so desperate to have a child she’s turning to Scientology. She’s reportedly using their “cleansing process” as recommended to her by her friend Leah Remini, also a devoted Scientologist.

“When a Scientologist says ‘purified’ or ‘cleansed,’ what they’re talking about is the purification rundown,” says Rick Ross of, “which usually involves large doses of niacin, ingesting cooking oil and a regimen of saunas which some say could cause liver damage. So not only is it unlikely to produce the results that J. Lo is hoping for, but it may hurt her.”

Wow really? A baby? With this guy? If they’re really that desperate they should just dig up some graveyards. Because whatever comes out of that womb is gonna end up half-zombie anyway.


  1. AnnoyingPseud

    This woman is an asshole married to that tiny Skeltor man who scares me in my amygdula. Where’s the Sterilization Cops when we need them?!

  2. AnnoyingPseud

    That would be Skeletor. Doh

  3. bigponie

    it isn’t long before TCLTC comes knocking on her doorstep.

  4. jazzdrummer420

    I have super sperm I’ll get her pregnant, me and the fish with our chiseled good looks and superior veracity and fertilization techniques, I know I can handle it, you up to it fish???

  5. AnnoyingPseud

    The show Nip Tuck has a Scientology storyline that is thisclose to exposing them for the greedy cunts that they are, sucking up the weak-minded and delusional. This past Tuesday’s show was hilarious in portraying characters Kimber & Matt being chastised by their creepy Scientolgist doctor for having porno sex [he saw the tape online! Perv!]. And the portrayal of Xenu as a burly hunk o’ burnin’ love guy with a Halloween mask head of an alien was hilarious. I hope Tom Cruise is having apoplexy right now. It’s my hope he dies of course, joining Lord Xenu & LRon down there in Hades.

  6. RoseColoredGlasses

    Maybe they should go see Xenu and they might get healed! Those two have enough money to get fertility treatment…and their only option is the cracked out, fucked up scientology?! What the hell is this shit?!

  7. TMQuinn

    Hey, I can see why you’d rag on J-Lo, but leave poor Steve Buscemi alone. Hasn’t nature done enough to him?

  8. Tracie

    This is a message from God, some people are NOT MEANT to have children….’nuff said.

  9. AnnoyingPseud

    The list of Scientologist assholes in Hollywood is scary. Jason Lee of “My Name is Earl” and others who’d you never suspect unless outed online at anit-Scientolgy sites. Calling them a ‘religion’ makes my head want to explode. Or help them all explode via the use of high caliber explosives…..

  10. She should try a Liberator Shape they can help by raising the pelvis. Beats her insane attempts.

  11. RoseColoredGlasses

    I forgot one thing…Tom Cruise has to get hit by a bus going at 60 miles per hour…I would laugh…

  12. RichPort

    The question is, how will she reconcile this with santeria? What the fuck will her babalao say about this? C’mon Jenny, you know you’re a Puerto Rock from the Boogie Down, you’ve all about the herbal baths and Catholic/ African santos… (translation for the white folks: Jennifer, you are well aware that you are a Puerto Rican from the Bronx which would mean that you probably adhere to both Catholic and Santeria principles, both of which are often intertwined in the “saints” representing deities from both fatiths. What will your santeria priest think about this?)

    I wanna pull J Lo through my monitor and shove her face in my lap.

  13. kate

    Wow, now here’s a fucking shock. TomKat probably had that whole wedding castle filled with Scientology propoganda and JLo is stupid and desperate enough to fall for it. I honestly can’t understand how she can POSSIBLY be attracted to that man, who, if not famous would be the creepy guy on the subway you avert your eyes from.

  14. outrageous.opinion

    nothing like asking for a divorce

  15. BarbadoSlim

    We are not that big on Santeria RichP. well, the Haitian community is. However all that aside, she’s obviously got some pull with the spirits , since she’s walking around with a corpse.

  16. 21st century digital boy

    Who cares? She’s done. Scientology, the last stop on the Washed-Up, Has-Been, Idiot Express.

  17. Xenu and all the clearing you want is not going to help you get fertile, Jen. What you have is an STD infested cootch, a veritable swamp full of fervid beasties, which makes conception near impossible. Skeletor’s flaccid sperm are no match for your herpes/syphilis/genital wart cocktail, probably being attacked and devoured by said nasties before ever getting anywhere near your fallopian tubes. So don’t bother converting, Xenu will not imprison your veneral diseases in a nearby volcano. Blame all the nasty cocks you had to sit on to “make it”. All Scientology can do for you is what it did for TomKat – namely, put you in touch with a discreet baby farm.

  18. NipsyHustle

    i have a feeling their baby’s vanity fair cover will be a miniature crypt keeper draped in gucci under soft lighting.

  19. arden

    That is one ugly dude.

  20. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    If she wants to cleanse her system I reccomend a mesquite BBQ flavored douche followed by rinsing her eyes in hot bleach. And, yes, I am a doctor.

  21. Just Some Girl

    omg i fucking LOVE her dress.

    she’s too old to have babies. and he’s too ugly.

  22. Normally I would recommend sex rather than Scientology in trying to conceive — but I can see why she’d rather avoid the sex route!

  23. IFuckingHateYou

    She just needs a 15 second sex-ed refresher course.
    You can’t get pregnant by having anal sex. I know that’s all they’re doing because she’s married to the gayest guy this side of TC.
    Maybe that’s why she’s turning to Scientology – it worked for Tommy Boy to keep fucking Dawson’s cast-off up the ass and they were able to magically have a baby.

  24. kate


    Whoa, watch it sister. I’m no JLo fan, but when you start throwing around “too old” at a 36 year old, you’re treading on thin ice. I’m 34, with no kids, but I plan on having them, and I don’t consider myself “too old”.

  25. BarbadoSlim

    I just read a de-classifed document submitted to NASA by the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. It talks about how Soviet satellites took pictures of a leather assles chaps clad J. Edgar Hoover slipping away from the grassy knoll, but that’s not important right now. Aaaaaanyway, it measured how many rolls of toilet paper it takes to wipe that ass. The number is……


    five, yes, five, Charmin Mega Rolls

  26. MargeAggedon

    Yeah that’s pretty desperate.

  27. There's a Surprise Inside

    Jennifer Lopez is still alive?

    I thought that when you marry the Crypt Keeper you are condemned to a lifetime in a hot firey barren cave never to be seen by human eyes again.

  28. danielle

    Say What? Ingesting cooking oil? Wouldn’t that turn her uterus into a fucking McDonald’s? Why doesn’t she just scarf down a Big Mac and call it a day? I’m sure if she does that instead she’d have much better results.

  29. ponk

    “purification rundown” has been running down her thighs for years, except it used to be called ‘the drip’.

  30. RichPort

    I’d attack J Lo’s ass like a mongoose on a fucking cobra…

  31. Sarawr

    There is an age where you should no longer have children for fear of them coming out “special”, and she’s definately reaching that age.

  32. FecalPellets

    She actually looks really good, I wish I had legs like that! Her poor hubby needs a queer eye makeover though, ASAP.

  33. Hasn’t she always been a member of the nutsos?

  34. javafinch

    #9, all you need to do is look around to see the world is FULL of people who shouldn’t have kids who are as fertile as rabbits. Lots of great people who struggle to have kids/can’t have kids who would make great parents. God has nothing to do with it. Need more convincing? Two words = Brittney Spears.

  35. Tracy

    When you have underwear that has outlasted all three of your previous marriages (and your fling with P-Diddy), bringing children into the world is probably not the best idea.

  36. Tracy

    When you have underwear that has outlasted all three of your previous marriages (and your fling with P-Diddy), bringing children into the world is probably not the best idea.

  37. Tracy

    When you have underwear that has outlasted all three of your previous marriages (and your fling with P-Diddy), bringing children into the world is probably not the best idea.

  38. Tracy

    When you have underwear that has outlasted all three of your previous marriages (and your fling with P-Diddy), bringing children into the world is probably not the best idea.

  39. Tracy

    Wow… a three-peat!

  40. cinnarose

    Thankfully she’s wearing a bra or some sort of slip under that dress. I’ve hit my limit on nipslips this week.

  41. cinnarose

    She looks so plastic in these pictures it’s scary. And I just don’t see her having an attractive baby with little rat face over there.

  42. normella

    She has some of the most hideously-shaped legs I’ve ever seen. They’re like upside-down chicken drumsticks.

  43. Just Some Girl

    #25 – sorry to offend. it wasn’t even a serious comment

  44. kate


    These days, that age is about 45 or 50. I’m pretty sure she’s not there yet.

  45. Sarawr

    she reminds me of Beyonce in these pictures. weirdd.

  46. RichPort

    #44 – What the fuck do you consider nice legs? Nicole Richie? Kate Bosworth? The Planters fucking peanut??? I’d smack J Lo’s ass like a fucking red headed stepchild. TOMA!!!!!!!

  47. kate


    Its ok. ::sniff::

    ; ) Sorry, just touched a nerve that’s all. No biggie.

  48. Sarawr

    ugh 50 year old women having babies? disturbing.

  49. kate

    Anyway, back to the bashing. So JLo is a huge bitch, huh?

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