Jennifer Lopez has disgusting problems

Once Schwimmer was gone our gentle Utah Local Audio guy, turned to us sheepishly and said, “Man, Schwimmer’s story is nothing, I’ve heard way worse in my headphones on set.”

The room went Silent. Our Sound Guy is one of those soft sincere dads who works in TV in a small town and is more impressed with his daughter’s report card than a Hollywood star, so we were SHOCKED to hear what came out of his mouth next…

“Remember a few years ago when Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were here shooting Project Greenlight?” (They had gone to Sundance to interview directors and writers and try and create a publicity stunt and an episode out of it.) “I was doing sound in the condo where they were both lodging and filming. At one point Ben took a break from shooting and disappeared upstairs to his bedroom. By mistake he left his wireless mic on.”

“Jennifer Lopez was there with Ben, but was hiding out in his room the whole time. At first when I heard Ben kissing her hello, I immediately went to turn the volume down on my headphones. But then they started kissing loudly and making noises, and I felt so guilty, but I left the sound up, and heard Jennifer saying ‘I love you baby, I love you… You wanna get busy, baby. You wanna get busy?'”

“Then I heard Ben reply, .’Are you sure you’re feelin’ better? I don’t want you to shit on me again.'”

Silence. Then screams from everyone on our crew. Our dear sound guy seemed like he had finally told a story he’d been holding onto for years, and was relieved to tell people who found it more funny than disgusting. I think it is perfectly both.”

Mmmmmm, is there anything hotter than a condescending flat chested fat girl with bowel control problems. Rowwrrr, gotta get me some of that!

*Contestant, Boy Scout Box Car Derby, 1988