Jennifer Aniston proposes to John Mayer

October 22nd, 2008 // 53 Comments

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer’s recent reunion apparently came with strings attached. Before entering her Shangri-La once again, John had to promise Jennifer they’d get married and start giving that bitch Angelina Jolie a run for her money. Star reports:

After a barrage of romantic e-mails from him, “she said that she’d only take him back if they got married, and he agreed,” says a source. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he. They’ve even talked about having a family, and John said that he couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone but her.”

Actually, I believe this because here’s a short list of the insane things men will agree to just to have sex:

1. Marriage.
2. A baby. (Provided our passport is valid.)
3. A five-hour conversation about throw pillows.
4. Not inviting strippers over to play video games. (Sorry, Candy. I know you rock at Fable 2, but how hard is it to use a coaster?)
5. Torture. (Read: Pottery Barn.)

That said, if you think any of these things will transpire, A HA HA HA! Clearly, you underestimate man’s superhuman ability to utter “Sorry, baby, this never happened to me before” then fall dead asleep.

NOTE: This is also explains why I wear a cape.

Photos: Flynet

  1. KookieMumster

    Forget getting down on one knee, this hoe needs to get down on both and suck it right.

  2. sunshine

    Desperate times call for desperate measures.

  3. lol I see she had a verbal contract with his little head! she can never make the right the determination when it concern matters of the heart,,,,poor broard

  4. General Tao

    Why she’d want to breed with him in the first place is anyone’s guess.

  5. General Tao

    Why she’d want to breed with him in the first place is anyone’s guess.

  6. Nothing says love more than an ultimatum (or how ever you spell it).

  7. CaptainCack

    John is officially a bitch.

  8. Diamond

    I guess beggars can’t be choosers.

  9. AndresV

    Not that I mind, but just curious: are this woman’s nipples ever not erect?

  10. dude_on

    That post almost made me think the old Fish was back in the saddle, I say almost because multiple HAs sort of ruined that premise – but it is a sign of progress that I almost smiled as I detected aspects of humor.

    John Aniston will make a fine trophy husband for Madam Jen. If he wasn’t tatted like a Tijuana wino I would give my complete approval. Nonetheless, Jen only has about 2-3 years left of A-List hotness – so it was time to takes some chips to the window and get a prize before the ass starts to droop.

  11. Brad Pitt

    Shit, now I gotta wait even longer to get away from this walking orphanage of a psycho-hose beast I’m with now to get back together with you. Fuck me.

    Also, I got some bad news, when we get back together, I’m gonna have to bring my 14 adopted kids with me, because I’m getting sole custody because Angelina’s getting back together with Billy Bob Thornton and he ain’t puttin’ up with that shit.

  12. mamadough

    i’m still waiting for the day where they show the real goofy looking people that are really on eHarmony for their annoying fucking commercials. as far as this story goes, my ass itches.

  13. Why you would want to marry a guy who cheated on you 3 fucking times, I don’t know. And I really don’t understand why you are still single and / or how you manage to scare off every man you ever had. Either you are picking the wrong mem, or you are a bitch.

    I could say the same thing about myself, but I already know why I scare the men away. I’m a crazy drunk..

  14. Ted from LA

    You need to relax and have a drink.

  15. No, mommy. It’s because you’re a whore.

  16. joe

    a) it’s Star

    b) Mayer likes his martinis dry, not his vaginas

  17. Jason

    Going to have to nominate this one for the 2008 Superfical Hall of Fame (for the writing of course…… CAPE! LOL!)

  18. yuck

    She is sooooo deparate and stupid. She’s also pathetic for prancing around in bikinis all of the time and not wearing a bra. What an attention whore. You career was over long ago Maniston! No one cares about you. You will die all alone and childless.

  19. #16 that may be, but at least I’m not a cowardly pathetic little scumtroll like you

  20. Jethro

    This proves that woman thinks she owns you if you sleep with her more than three times. Should of stopped after the second time, John.

  21. Uncle Eccoli

    LOL How sad is that?

  22. 1 MILF Hunter

    He’ll be getting side pussy 5 minutes after the ink on the marriage license is dry.

  23. Anonymous

    Getting married is foolish. Women want to get married so they can sponge money and have someone to blame.

  24. @23 – 5 minutes? He will fuck the registrar on the marriage license.

  25. Randal

    I knew there was something special happening today and Jennifer, you’re that special someone that it’s happening tool!

    Congratulations is certainly in order on the journey you’re about to take with John. May the two of you continue to be surrounded by happiness and joy for the rest of your lives.


  26. Jay

    Ha ha, number 26, you said “happening TOOL.” Tee hee.

  27. Billy Troll

    Randal’s a pussy. I keep reading his gay posts and they make me wanna puke.

  28. Sport

    Randal. Fag.

  29. Randal is the funniest thing on this site. Besides the mindless idiots who think Barry Hussien Obama will make a good, non-socialist president.

  30. If Randal is doing this for the sake of comedy he might be a comedic genius, if hes serious he might be the next Mark David Chapman….

  31. mamadough

    *hugs Randal* where have you been?

  32. Jamie's Uterus

    Why would anyone want to marry Maniston? She always has a sour puss on, and looks so boring and very high maintenance! Her face is so frozen from botox she cannot register an emotion. I never ever understood her appeal. Other than she has a vagina of course, albeit dried up.

    He could do better.

  33. Suzi

    23. 1 MILF Hunter – October 22, 2008 3:15 PM

    He’ll be getting side pussy 5 minutes after the ink on the marriage license is dry
    Or side dick for sure

  34. Neal

    She is begging the douche bag to marry her hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
    This old hag is so desperate and pathetic but it’s hilarious that this old hag own Mayer. Mayer is the most pathetic b!tch I have every seen.

  35. West

    Randal wants Mayer real bad.

  36. Joe Mahma

    3 months.

  37. Mike

    I would eat dirty baby poopy diapers to have sex with her. And then I’d eat her poop too!!

  38. supersex

    what a waste of a pussy

  39. 1moreidiotintheworld

    He better demand a pre-nup that she keeps her hair covering up those goofy fucking ears of hers…. otherwise he’ll be scarred for life as soon as he sees them. Then again, he deserves whatever he gets from her – no matter how traumatic or contageous…. (her nipples keep pointing lower and lower every time I see a pic of her – gravity sucks, doesn’t it ?)

  40. Alan

    Yeah that hair is like a paper bag, She should always have that hair covering that f-cked up chin on this old ass broad.

  41. effyewray

    HaHa! I can’t wait till he breaks her seahag heart and leaves her broken and yet older still with no love no kids and no hope.

  42. Sadie

    Really Jen has to beg a douche bag to marry her. 40 is making her so desperate and pathetic. If you got to twist a man’s arm and this after he dumps her then she is the lowest slug on earth. When she finally get this turd to marry her how long dumbass think this is going to last with the Hollywood marriage today. So the media will be laughing last.

  43. loser

    she’s officially a loser

  44. You just LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE mongols?
    BE BLESSED, you idiot!!

  45. chewgees

    Maybe Jen should borrow Jodie Marsh’s sign…….

  46. tc

    Jen. Forget him.

    I’ll give you the respect you deserve, which means:

    - Not pushing your shit in more than once a week.
    - No sex tapes released on the internet (for less than $1k, anyway)
    - Won’t come in your mouth (yeah, right!)
    - I won’t give you a hard time about going off to work for months on end (while I fuck the house maid)
    - I’ll send you flowers regularly (If you pay for them).
    - I won’t leave you for anyone else (Because I am too ugly)

    Marry me instead. You can’t beat honesty.

  47. funntg

    She is so beautiful and charming. She is my favorite. Just saw her on the fitness & celebrity dating club ^^^^^^FitnessKiss. C O M^^ ^^^^last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that

    site.Is she single now?

  48. kinsey

    wow….three months is way too soon…especially when you consider what a rocky three months it has been

  49. UPDATE!!!!!!

    BREAKING NEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    JENNIFER ANISTON IS A BIG DESPERATE LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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