Jennifer Aniston dumped John Mayer because of his wandering penis

August 14th, 2008 // 59 Comments

While conventional wisdom suggests that John Mayer hightailed it out of his relationship with Jennifer Aniston when it became known she wants kids, it turns out he has a “roving eye/wang” which prompted her to eject him from the magical land of constantly erect nipples. The Chicago Sun-Times reports:

Apparently, Aniston gave Mayer a “three strikes and you’re out” ultimatum — after learning about his “quickie” flings with a cocktail waitress and a promoter’s assistant for his concert tour.
That was two strikes. Another dalliance, with a groupie, was the final straw for Aniston.
A longtime major Hollywood studio exec — and good Aniston buddy — adds this: “Above everything else, Jennifer is looking for stability and loyalty in a relationship. She still is hurting from losing Brad [Pitt] to Angelina [Jolie] — even after all this time.”

I have a bit of a wandering penis myself. Except he doesn’t so much as wander as burn through my frequent flier miles. He’ll come home and when I ask if he at least got some, he’ll act all aloof and say “Oh, yeah, sure.” When I know he just sat at some airport bar reading a James Patterson novel. God, what a dick.

Photo: Flynet
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  1. rough daddy

    the problem with this chick, she have way too much money…everyone is watching her everymove and who she dates,,,if she was a regular plain jane,,,shed be begging john mayer to take her back after his philanderings…

  2. Ill bet John Mayer left her for Tre’ Flint. I heard Tre’ Flint smokes pole with the best of them!

    Nikkas!!

  3. veggi

    Only a poorly sucked penis wanders.

  4. syn

    Whatever. Next.

  5. LINDSEY!!

    OMG she looks soooo frikin hot in that pic!!

    BONES=PERFECTION

    xoxo

  6. you must be gayjealous

    Her ass and thighs and legs are about half the size of that mommy in the last story. So everybody who declared their proxy-mom “hittable” thinks Jen has a bad body, right? Too thin? No? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

  7. Richard McBeef

    I would hit it.

    with a baseball bat.

    and only from the back.

  8. Mr T

    I pity the fool who don’t wanna go balls-deep in Jen’s butt

  9. Beth

    She needs to gain at least 25 lbs to become healthy and normal.

  10. Bigheadmike

    I would be single if that would make her happy….

  11. Effyeray

    Listen Jen, you fug ass hag. Find a nice normal non-celebrity to date (and ruin his life). You’re obviously not fun to hang with, your good(?) looks are fading at warp speed, and your desperation is palpable. Famous dudes won’t put up with that kinda shit.
    …. or you could do us all a favor and fuckin’ die a horrible death

  12. reply

    I didn’t think they would last. In almost every picture of them together he had a look of total disinterest, while she had her usual pursed lips look.

  13. Sway

    It’s about time….
    I hope this means we can all forget about John Gayer, and find more pictures of a sun tanning Aniston

  14. Tara

    It’s all good Jen…you can do better. You don’t want ummm…apparently everyone else’s sloppy seconds. Sorry but if you have THAT much trouble keeping you dick out of someone other than your girlfriend’s vag then you’re clearly compensating for something :/

  15. OC Dee

    John is having a blast making great music, performing, and having attractive females whether famous or not. I love John Mayer because he is an attractive, tall, talented musician that writes, sings, and plays his own songs and does great music covers too. His pop music is great, but I prefer rock, blues, and jazz and prefer his latest music the best. I also find his funny and demented humor amusing.

  16. kim Kardashian

    #9
    I agree with you that Jen is too skinny and needs to have more fat, I mean more meat on her bones. Guys don’t like fit chicks that eat right and exercise regularly because they prefer fat chicks like me that love to eat and wear girdles to improve our bodies.

  17. Erik

    Poor guy. When the day came that she left him 8 voicemails and 15 text messages, after having a discussion about their “future together,” he realized had to fuck his way out. I bet he had to throw in a real pig just so she’d get the message. Quite possibly it was “OC Dee”.

  18. Deacon Jones

    @17
    HAHA

    @9
    God, I can just imagine what you look like right now

  19. OC Dee

    #17

    I am no pig and very pleased about my looks and fit body, but I can appreciate your attempt at being funny at my expense. Speaking of funny; here are some pictures of John as Borat and he looks sexy and funny at the same time! I love John’s humor as well as his music.

    http://news.lalate.com/2008/02/05/john-mayer-thong-pictures-john-mayer-borat-mankini-swimsuit-on-mayercraft/

    and here is the video too:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzvtcsxnNZo

  20. Crystal

    There must be more to her than meets the eye if she can’t keep a man don’t you think?

  21. JimmyBachaFungool

    She must suck in bed because she’s famous and not bad to look at but nobody wants her long term or can remain faithful. I love her ass.

  22. Metropolitan Police

    #19, you are now, again, in violation of the restraining order concerning Mr. Mayer. Desist immediately, or we’ll have to tazer you, dude.

  23. Ted from LA

    Jen is just preparing for her next role as a beautiful spurned woman who whines and bitches her way to the bottom.

  24. Dr. Phil

    Guaranteed: 1) Forget swallowing, forget even spitting. She warns the guy she’ll never forgive him if he doesn’t pull out of her mouth before spurting, because “it tastes really awful.” Not a problem, because she never gets him anywhere close to orgasm. 2) She can only orgasm using her own fingers or a vibrator. 3) Even mentioning anal gets you a long speech about how all the guys she’s ever known who think about that type of thing were battling their own homosexuality. 4) Sex lasts 20 minutes, followed by 2 hours of in-bed discussion of OUR RELATIONSHIP, especially in comparison to “when I was with Brad.”

    One day, she’ll pick the wrong guy and end up in a trash bag.

  25. Zim

    I still think Mayer’s gay, and his music is his way of bitching and whining his way to the bottom.

  26. TEAM ANISTON!!! She’s better off without him – he’s awful!! My crazy eyes hurt at the pure sight of John Mayhem

  27. typical superficial loser

    What’s up you pizza-faced homos and ugly fat chicks?

  28. Brad

    Jen makes you so horny that you gotta sleep extra around town to make your dick lie down.

  29. Gobo

    What did she expect? She dates a man who has the freedom to do whatever he wants. If aninston was dating a man with integrity she would be “Bored”.

  30. Deacon Jones

    @24

    Dude, that’s my girlfriend to a tee.

    No wonder I hate fuck trashy woman all the time.

  31. noneyobeezwax

    SHE IS A LOUSY LAY

    the end.

  32. JM is bi

    Mayers a douche.

    Making excuses about his musical talent is clearly an attempt to deflect away from reality. Just because someone has musical talent doesnt mean they get a free pass to be a douchebag free of the criticism that follows.

    No matter how you spin it up and spew it out, he’s trash.

    Next….

  33. Billie Jeans

    I absolutely agree. For a good looking woman (and not really THAT good looking) she’s got to have absolutely no skills whatsoever to be capturing men based on the picture of perfection (that’s a pun, BTW) and then blowing it in private. weak, jen, weak.

  34. Blah

    well, if she’s looking for stability & loyalty then she probably should have never even dated John Mayer; who is just another dumb Hollywood malewhore casanova. Plus theres that whole thing about him being much younger than her & in his prime as far as female appeal goes…he can get pretty much anyone he wants at this point. Even if he is a big giant douche. So she put up w/ being cheated on 3xs before she ditched him? wow, thats just sad. You would think she has more self confidence than that, given her age, fame, money, body. sad sad sad.

  35. I hate old women

    This pig is almost 40. By the way, that’s granny age in reality whether or not this hag has had any children. She’s over the hill. Bye.

  36. JimmyBachaFungool

    Maybe her vagitosis was too much for Mayer to handle.

  37. HelioMobile

    Mayer got tired of hittin’ than bony No cushin to the pushin lay. So she dumped him after he started hanging out more with his boys and hittin’ strip clubs.
    ” Wake up bitch, if your man is going on tour: HE’S GETTING LAID !!!!!! “

  38. puhleez

    No male in his right mind–let alone a rock star–is going to get married and limit his options as he gets older and makes more money. Why would any halfway decent looking guy do that???

  39. bosendorfer

    if this is true, it’s further evidence as to how overrated aniston is to aniston/her handlers. her stock is not that high. her profile is high, but as “a catch” she ranks below average because of her age, the public perception of her inability to carry any roles in anything non-FRIENDS, etc.; she’s attractive and well-preserved for her age, but she’s simply not that great — and she’ll soon be really not that great. i also believe whatever sympathy the angelina subject once engendered has since dissolved and she’s seen now as an untogether, fickle, female man-child, so to speak.

    she has a nice ass. for now.

    she best lower her standards and close her mouth because no one cares.

  40. duh

    Good for her. Life is too short to put up with some immature guy who feels like he needs to fuck anything that moves- which pretty much describes every male on this site, especially # 35… old age is waiting for you, my friend.

  41. somuchbetter

    to #40… AMEN. I don’t care if she’s a bad lay or boring or whatever, you don’t just go f*cking around. Tell her you don’t want babies, break up, THEN go F*ck around.

    I need to start dating guys older than me… I mean. I’m only in my early twenties but do guys ever grow up?

  42. eww, jm is soo last season, my lord, he dated jessica simpson, how desperate can ya be??? jen a piece of adive hun, move on find someone or adopt, cuz at that rate you’ll never have kids!!

    kay y’all vote obama 08 president!!!! he’s hot! YAY!

  43. lawrence

    Really a mess~~ My friends are busy with talking about it now at Billionairepal.com where singer and hollywood celebrities are connecting!

  44. Jill

    Hello – it was so clear this was not going to last very long. I mean, he’s a baby and also a player and she’s like middle aged and desperate!

  45. gauntsmug

    I hate to say it, but this last, “What a dick,” is the wittiest thing you’ve come out with all year, SF W. Good one. :)

  46. DeeDee

    In some of the pictures in THS on E! she looked kinda chubby when she was younger, but only on the face. Somehow it makes her look much better.
    Anyway, I always wondered why Brad is being heralded as a saint and many people can somehow see a halo around his head. He is a cheating son of a b^&^%

  47. Narcissist

    Once more, I think she looks hideous in this outfit.

    @39 Rings true.

    @46 HA! Yeah, I was watching an A&E Biography or something where they were going on and on about how marriage and commitment were so important to Brad. He was in an adulterous relationship with Skankelina while the show was being recorded and played! They were showing him together with his mistress on the same show! Maybe it didn’t work out, maybe J.A. was even at fault (I’ve heard she is evil incarnate), but don’t give me that kind of baloney, A&E.

  48. LaraCroftsmole

    Her body is a little like a pre pubescent child, otherwise she looks great!

  49. ……………AND THE CHEESE BETWEEN HIS TOES!!

  50. rough daddy

    how fat are you lara?#48

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