Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Quest For a Happy Ending No Longer Involves Marriage

May 4th, 2012 // 43 Comments
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Jennifer Love Hewitt
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Posted by Photo Boy

In a rare move for her, Jennifer Love Hewitt went on Chelsea Lately and said something that makes her seem desperate. Crazy, right? Looking for that special someone must have become too exhausting, because J Love’s pawning those three pre-selected engagement rings for spending cash to have a masseuse let his fingers do the walking across her vajazzles. Via HuffPost Celebrity:

When Handler asked Hewitt if she would ever consider receiving one (Ed – a happy ending), Hewitt said that it would be “amazeballs.”

No, what’s “amazeballs” (Yes, I’ll kill myself for that) is that she even has to entertain the idea of paying for sex. Most women — of any shape or size — can’t walk down the street without half a dozen men side-eying their asses, who are willing to literally lose their job if she was to say “Would anyone here like to bring me to their office and have sex on their boss’s desk?” It really is telling of how instantly repelled guys are the minute she opens her mouth and crazy jumps out.

BLIND DATE: Oh my God, you’re Jennifer Love Hewitt, I can’t believe this! I had such a crush on you when you were on Party of Five.
JENNIFER: I accept your compliment as verbal confirmation of our pre-engagement, so if you don’t mind posing for a quick picture, I can get started on these Save The Dates.
BLIND DATE: *breaks champagne glass, stabs own neck*

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. it had to be said

    I would not kill myself over a “pre-engagement.” In fact, I’d bone JLH until she walked up the aisle. THEN it’s time to go go go.

  2. Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy Ending
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s scaring even the black microphones away.

  3. stacy

    I’ll marry her. I am desperate also.

  4. That Bastard Tony

    You’re not going to let the 3 engagement rings thing go, are you Fish… not that I blame you.

  5. cc

    I’d marry her if I could have sex with her while watching her crawl around the floor of Ray Liotta’s character’s office in ‘Heartbreakers’. I mean, have watched that?

    • At this point, she wouldn’t even have to do that. I’d marry her; then probably be in hell forever. She must have some serious “quirks” if she can’t get a guy.

      • USDA Prime McBeef

        Usually it’s daddy issues and a quick wikipedia search reveals:

        “After the divorce of her parents, Hewitt and her brother were brought up by her mother.”

        I bet she needs a fatherly boyfriend and constant reassurances like, ‘good job jenny, we’ll hang this picture you drew up on the refrigerator, I’m so proud of you!’

        it’s cute for 15 minutes, then you feel your soul dying and you bolt.

      • it had to be said

        15 minutes? Damn! We can have sex three and half times then!

      • “Fatherly”, nuthin’. Her last fiance said it was more like needing constant validation in comparison to other women – “Is my ass better than hers?” “Am I prettier than that waitress?”

        Given that she works in an insanely image-obsessive profession and has everybody judging her looks all the time, that sort of need for reassurance is probably bottomless. And I don’t care – I love her anyway and I think she has a great sense of humor.

    • El Jefe

      That was truly one of the greatest moments in movie history. Few women were ever hotter than she was at that point.

  6. yuu

    i hear shes a female player. this is all an act

  7. Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy Ending
    judd
    Commented on this photo:

    definite rock face qualities

  8. Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy Ending
    judd
    Commented on this photo:

    definite rat face qualities

  9. El Jefe

    How could a woman that looks like that with boobs like that and has the money she has not get a man? She must be seriously fucked in the head.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah her batshit insaness must really be bad when she looks like that, has $$$, but can’t get a man to put a ring on it (that she already picked out and probably paid for).

    • Fucked in the head??? Did someone just call me? I can fulfill her “father-fixation” (a few slaps on the ass are usually a good starting point), and I’d be happy to supply “a happy ending” to her happy end. Someone send me her phone number…

  10. Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy Ending
    wulfsong
    Commented on this photo:

    Too bad she has standards. Otherwise, I’d marry her.

  11. EricLr

    Ha, no date with JLH is blind. To even qualify, you first have to fill out a form indicating a minimum $10 million/year income or equivalent capital gains earnings-with CPA certification and attached IRS forms.

    Being one of the nobodies without a late-model Mercedes and the ability to afford an engagement ring from Tiffany’s will only get you a signed photo at most.

    And that’s just for a date. If you’re even dreaming of sex, you’re going have to fill out the “Ability to Get Ms. Hewitt Employment in Hollywood, Through PR Attention or Producer Status” addendum.

    • El Jefe

      I see your argument and I raise you Jamie Kennedy. I am pretty sure that dude had the net worth of about $100.

  12. Dramatic Puddle

    It figures that the only “celebrity” who that worthless twat, Perez Hilton, can get to use that dumb-ass word “amazeballs” is JLH. Let that sink in for a minute. Hilton has been trying to get that to catch on forever, and this tells us how much time JLH is spending on gossip sites (even shitty ones like Hilton’s).

  13. Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy Ending
    Uncle Sticky
    Commented on this photo:

    I would still hit it, split it, lick it, and quit it.

  14. I don’t know about you guys, but I find it invigorating that both of these women have the confidence and power to discuss sexual norms that for so lon—-wait a second….argghhhh!

    [img]http://www.thesuperficial.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/04/378433_main-320_320.jpg[/img]

  15. There’s your problem. You’ve got Robin Williams arms.

  16. tits mcgee

    Dude, the thing about paying for sex is that it’s all about your pleasure. Those half dozen guys want to ram their dicks into a warm hole for 3 minutes, not making anyone cum three times.

  17. Little Jimmy

    I think all that vanilla extract she’s been wearing has started to cause brain damage.

    • EricLr

      Judging by every interview I’ve ever seen with her, I’m pretty sure there was never a brain to damage.

  18. achilles wrath

    I’d do her for free!

  19. jay

    Still hotter than jennifer anniston…

  20. Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy Ending
    Amazed
    Commented on this photo:

    Drop dead gorgeous…

  21. She is hot, but crazy. But even crazy chicks can land a man, so she has to be a special kind of crazy that can make a man run away from a body like that.

  22. CranAppleSnapple

    Brace yourself, dear. Your buddy’s mom is a whore.

  23. Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy Ending
    Coyote
    Commented on this photo:

    I want to be her baby’s Dad. I will Marry You

  24. Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy Ending
    CANTSTOPSTARING
    Commented on this photo:

    IS THAT A SPARE RING YOU HAVE?!?

  25. Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy Ending
    CANTSTOPSTARING
    Commented on this photo:

    what none of you can see is that, in the original photo, she’s holding a pencil art picture of herself, 5 years ago.

    this is not even a joke.

  26. El Sapo Flojo

    “to have a masseuse let his fingers do the walking across her vajazzles” — a masseuse is, per definition, female. The male equivalent is masseur.

  27. OK, I’ll take one for the team. I volunteer to date JLH and evaluate her marriage potential. I think the major reason to get married is to provide a stable home life for children. So I promise to pay special attention to make sure her equipment to create and then breast feed her would-be children is excellent working order.

  28. Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy Ending
    Fillip Gruber
    Commented on this photo:

    I think you are beautiful as as nice charming lady. As I do hope not to get into trouble for calling you beautiful Jennifer?

  29. john

    are you kidding me she is the hottest thing since sliced bread. every red blooded mail wood want t o fill every orafus on her body. i know i would

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