Jennifer Love Hewitt Works For eHarmony Now

March 12th, 2012 // 63 Comments
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According to Crazy Days and Nights, eHarmony has supposedly hired Jennifer Love Hewitt as their new spokesperson which makes sense considering she’s practically the face of surprisingly inevitable spinsterism despite living in a world gone tit-mad. Except if this report’s to be believed, she’s treating it like nothing more than a quick paycheck:

They are paying her and they are also setting her up. They found one guy and flew him to Los Angeles for a date. He says that she was bored, disinterested and was just doing it for the money.

Here’s where they lost me: There is absolutely no way in hell Jennifer Love Hewitt is having men thrown at her and not trying to lure them into a false sense of security so they won’t notice the bear traps she cleverly placed all around the restaurant. Unless, of course, this guy walked in and said hello by slapping her three pre-selected rings out of her hand and yelling, “Bitch, I ain’t no marryin’ fool.” And even then.

(Thanks to Betsy who apparently makes bitchin’ mix tapes.)

Photos: Fame/Flynet

superficial

  1. Jennifer Love Hewitt Breasts Cleavage
    baloo
    Commented on this photo:

    love the dress!

  2. cc

    Are the ads going to be like ‘The Hairclub for Men’, where she says at the end something about not just being a spokesperson but also a member?

  3. Deacon Jones

    The only other thing that could possibly make me vomit even harder when I eventually stumble upon these eHarmony commericals is if that hipster Apple guy is standing next to her with his hands in his pockets with a dumb look on his face making side comments while she’s talking.

    Why do I feel that this will happen?

  4. Deacon Jones

    “Your application to eHarmony has been rejected for the following reason:

    Answer #14. “My dick” is not an appropriate response to what you see in a woman.”

  5. J

    Fact from following her love life. She prefers somebody in the business. The other fact is she is she is easily star stuck I would only go ape S**t crazy for big stars. Case in point, she was on an episode of punked and how she was all nice to the producer(kissing ass) and she practically wet her pants when he said it is a co-staring roll with Brad Pitt…Hence boredom with average Joe…Now if the guy was loaded then I pretty sure her eyes would have been sparkling

  6. Frank Burns

    Oh come on now, let’s all be generous and help Jennifer write her blurb for the dating website:

    • Frank Burns

      “Over-30 sometimes actress with big boobs and small talent in search of a man for marriage, marriage, and matrimony (pre-selected engagement rings available) .”

    • JC

      “Do you like being chained in front of a fireplace for a romantic evening? Then check out my profile!”

    • JC

      “Wanna chance to meet me, super-boobular star Jennifer Love Hewitt? Then when you get to the profile question, ‘When would you like to be married?’ just click on the answer that says ‘OMG! NOW NOW NOW NOW!’”

    • JC

      “I met that old fucker from the commercials, and he guaranteed that I’d find lasting love. STEP UP TO THE PLATE, YOU PUSSIES!”

      • Frank Burns

        “Vajeezzle! Vajazzle! Find a Man Incorporated! Jennifer Hewitt here, and I know you love old teevee shows as much as I do, and that you probably fapped to me in my old shows at some point. So, unless you want me to call up your parents and tell them that in a loud, desperate, hysterical voice, you’ll check a box under one of the pictures of three engagement rings and wait to hear from me.”

    • EricLr

      Are you tired of being a rich producer *without* a crazy girlfriend? Let me help you solve that problem. If you’re looking for that special trophy girlfriend (or, god willing, trophy wife), I’m you’re girl. And I’m an actress, so when I tell you that 3 inches is a normal size–I can really make you believe it.

    • JC

      “Are you bummed now that Olivia Munn is spilling sex details and/or Taylor Swift is writing an album about you? Me and my boobs know how to keep a secret!”

    • JC

      “Anal, blumpkins, and role-playing as my character from ‘Party of Five’ are NOT deal breakers!”

      • Schmidtler

        If she had ever made it known she was open for anal, she’d be married long ago – see O’Connor, Sinead.
        Imma gonna open my own matchmaking site called ‘bitch I’ll have you married in 48 hours or less guaranfuckingteed’ – step one, pay me, step two, put on this t-shirt that says ‘I’m single and open for anal’, step 3, you’re married!

    • JC

      “I don’t know what you did last summer, but I do know what you’ll do next summer: Watch me give birth to our child!”

      • Frank Burns

        “Let’s go on a ‘Party of Five’ date – you, me, your best man, my maid of honor, and a minister. Immediately!!”

  7. Frank Burns

    “Over-30 sometimes actress with big boobs and small talent in search of a man for marriage, marriage, and matrimony (pre-selected engagement rings available) .”

    • Frank Burns

      oops double post

    • Deacon Jones

      “Over 30 something actress with bad vision (i’m always squinting when I try to look sexy) and elephantitis of the ass cheeks, seeking someone who’s desperate enough to marry a desperate woman”

    • Deacon Jones

      oh, this is too fun

      “”Over- 30 something actress with a flair for making spinach wrapped mozzarella sticks and a sucker for a good seasoned pair of crusty sweatpants, in search of my well-to-do man with ample spearm count so I can blow up like Jessica Simpson and not feel guilty about it.”

    • “Will titty-fuck to avoid dying old and alone.”

  8. Star Droppings

    Good for eHarmony. It’s got to be challenging to find a spokeswoman whose desperation falls between real-life-Reese-Witherspoon and Fatal-Attraction-Glenn-Close, because their discerning male members know there’s a fine line between a woman who will only fake a pregnancy until you say you love them back, and a woman who will steal a baby.

  9. cc

    Is this the dating site that shows real footage from first dates? That would be fun. She could sit there and say whatever and I could sit on the other side gazing wistfully at her breasts while slugging back gin and tonics that she’s paying for.

  10. I think she should be disqualified on the grounds that she dated Jamie Kennedy and that she thinks plain vagina isn’t good enough. it needs to be vagazzled.

  11. JC

    If their software actually works, every man she gets matched with will bring his own pre-selected engagement rings on the first date.

  12. Steve M.

    I swear I see nipple and areola thru that dress.

  13. Betsy

    I heard the story this morning when the dude who went on the date called in. Apparently no one remotely close to the west coast wanted a piece of this action, so they picked him and flew him out from Virginia Beach, telling him “They had hired an A-list celebrity for their spokesperson but needed her to go on a few dates first.” He was nonetheless quite disappointed when he found out he could have found better dates through the Virginia welfare system.

    And I do make a bitchin mix tape.

  14. EricLr

    She only activates the traps if you meet one of three qualifications

    1) You’re a director who can get her work
    2) You’re a producer who can get her work
    3) You’re net worth is at least $10 million

    Otherwise, she assumes you’re one of the help and asks you to be a doll and get her a spring water.

  15. Jennifer Love Hewitt Breasts Cleavage
    brickman
    Commented on this photo:

    I dig them.

  16. Shinykok2012

    I bedazzled my penis for you Jennifer, there are sparkles on it rhinestones. I’m not an actor but I can act like I enjoy your company. I don’t have 20 million dollars but I’m willing to learn. Me and my rhinestone penis will be waiting for you on eharmony. Look for Shinykok2012.

  17. it had to be said

    I love those pics. She can look positively fappable. Which should serve as a reminder to you all that you never know what you’re getting until the spanxx come off. So always make sure she has a pretty mouth.

  18. dooood

    idc man. i’d get suckered into all that crazy.
    i’m hypnotized by the boobies!
    WHEN’S IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?!?!?!

  19. Jennifer Love Hewitt Breasts Cleavage
    George P Burdell
    Commented on this photo:

    How many of levels of compatibility does the bandage dress add?

  20. Sabastian

    5 Foot tall, 5 1/2 shoe size and big tits. She’s a cute little package, just ease up on the crazy. And cut those toe nails, nobody wants to fuck a dragon lady.

  21. Bob

    “…flew him to Los Angeles for a date. He says that she was bored, disinterested”

    That means blow job only, what the fuck is it with these amateurs?

  22. Jennifer Love Hewitt Breasts Cleavage
    Jon Hex
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hi, Jennifer, I’m [sees baby iPhone case]…sterile. Laters.”

  23. Jennifer Love Hewitt Breasts Cleavage
    Coyote
    Commented on this photo:

    I would marry this women and Live happy ever after

  24. Cedar

    I’ve been thinking long and hard about Jennifer Love Hewitts vagina, seems okay to me.

  25. El Jefe

    I guarantee you that all of her problems with finding and keeping a man stems for her not giving them blow jobs. No man wants a woman that won’t give them blow jobs. You can be Cindy Crawford in her prime, but if you don’t give blow jobs you are out the door sooner or later.

  26. Jennifer Love Hewitt Breasts Cleavage
    Oprah
    Commented on this photo:

    Thighs of Thunder

  27. awww…. Poor El Jefe. Sounds like you can’t get a woman to come near you. Just bite the bullet and shell out for a professional, you’ll probably sound less like a bitter and whiny virgin.

    • El Jefe

      First of all there is a reply button, learn how to use it. You are probably blonde so I will excuse you this once.

      Let me guess, you are some frigid bitch that got dropped by multiple men because you thought your shit did not stink and refused to give blow jobs, that sound about right? Or you are Jennifer Love Hewitt, in that case, nice boobs and learn how to give blow jobs, but not from Kim Kardashian, she sucks and not in a good way.

  28. I rate JLH as a top 10 on my all-time sexual fantasy bucket list but I think she has Jennifer Aniston disease with a twist. I would walk over hot coals to get a hold of her luscious body today but I would run like heck before marrying time. I would run from Aniston because nobody marries the girl that everyone slept with and JLH because she is a fat woman waiting to happen. She is a marriage and a baby away from being in a whale show at Sea World.

  29. bill the hill

    .they sell slim upper legs in one way or another?

  30. Bufford

    She’s bat shit crazy.

  31. Sprmcandy

    Pretty lady.

  32. skunk

    i love her tits

  33. Jennifer Love Hewitt Breasts Cleavage
    Jim Saiff
    Commented on this photo:

    Jennifer looks good–with all she has going for her–the new Series–she should have a Big Smile–Good Luck Jen-Jen–We love Ya-!!

  34. Jennifer Love Hewitt Breasts Cleavage
    Jim Saiff
    Commented on this photo:

    Beautiful Smile–!!

  35. Jennifer Love Hewitt Breasts Cleavage
    Jim Saiff
    Commented on this photo:

    She is back to her normal color for her hair color–Good For You Jen-Jen–!!

  36. Jennifer Love Hewitt Breasts Cleavage
    Jim Saiff
    Commented on this photo:

    Malibu & Jennifer get along well together–!!

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