Jennifer Love Hewitt Poses For Maxim, Still Vagazzles

March 7th, 2012 // 88 Comments
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Here’s Jennifer Love Hewitt posing for the April issue of Maxim where she discusses how her giant breasts and dedication to vagazzling somehow still leave her unloved and alone without one of three pre-chosen rings on her finger:

You’re a big proponent of “vagazzaling.” Can you explain what that is?
Vagazzaling is where you stick Swarovski crystals on the female area to add a little glitz and glamour. I actually named it that because it’s like BeDazzling for your hoo-ha.
Well, it’s a very descriptive term.
The fun part of being a girl is that there are little beauty things you can do to make yourself feel special. I can walk around all day and think, Nobody has any idea that I have a sparkly secret in my pants right now. It kind of took off after I wrote about it in my book, and now I have strangers coming up to me all the time like, “Oh, my God, I’m vagazzaled right now. Want to see?” I’m like, “No, I don’t, but congratulations.”

And yet despite all that vaginal pageantry, Jennifer Love Hewitt finds herself without a man to blind in the eye should the light hit her snooch just right:

Now that you’re single, you must get hit on a ton.
It might sound so stupid, but guys do not hit on me. I’m not really sure why, but it’s very rare that a guy will ever come up to me and be like, “I’m going to lay down my game right now, and you’re going to like it.”

DUDE: Hi, I’m Tim.
JENNIFER: Let’s get married in June!
DUDE: Oh God Jesus NO. *lights face on fire*

Now try and guess what went wrong back there, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and you should’ve pulled out the rings first isn’t the right answer.

Photo: Maxim

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  1. Oogidyboogidy

    The fun part of being a man is knowing the tell-tale signs of a narcissistic head case. And JLH, you just got the high score.

    • Sliver

      That’s the fun part of being a man? (disenchanted). :(

    • EricLr

      All the things I look for in a girl:

      1) Incredibly high maintenance–CHECK

      2) HUGE narcissist–CHECK

      3) Batshit crazy–CHECK

      4) Aging fast–CHECK

      5) A long future of plastic surgery and botox injections that are going to turn her into a hideous wax statue by the time she’s 45.–CHECK

      Where do I sign up, girl?

      • Felonious Monkey

        What’s not to love? An aging, horse-faced chick with little discernible talent other than having boobs and a fat, pear-shaped white-girl ass. Oh, and the whole “i’ve got all these engagement rings picked out because I wanted to get married YESTERDAY” makes her even more special. As in, “she probably needed to ride the short bus as a kid” special.

    • Esol Esek

      When I think fantasy, I think of my penis being cut by expensive crystal.

      This chick doesn’t know what to do with flesh except decorate it.
      I bet her orgasm sounds are pre-planned. No, men do not like that.

  2. Lindsay Lohan vagazzles with sores. They aren’t as shiny.

  3. I glued fake diamonds to my dick and had sex with my girlfriend. She screamed so loud. She must have been a virgin because there was blood all over.

    • karlito

      must have diamond chips that you put on your teeny weeny. when she screamed, she was screaming..are you in yet? and finally, she bled because it was that time of month. Georgio…guys who talk about their dicks..have small ones.

    • …This is Jennifer Love Hewitt’s actual home address— 10024 Toluca Lake Ave. Toluca Lake, California 91602.

      For some of you brave male souls on here that may want to consider “cockgazzling”–send a picture to the above address. Truly, honestly, it is her home address for those who may fear that pictures will land in the hands of some morbidly obese dude named– Bubba Loves Random Cocks.

      Remember to include your name, age, city and state, and day and night phone numbers.

      And last but not least “cockgazzeled” cock size length and width, because pictures make everything look much larger than they truly are.

      Who knows one of you may just get lucky— or perhaps not so much.

  4. JC

    So, wait a minute: Your choices as a guy trying to get sexy time with Jennifer is to (a) grind your junk against hard, pointy crystals, or (b) wait for her to use a heat gun, nail polish remover, and/or an acetylene torch to remove the crystals form her hoo-ha? I might see a problem here.

    Although to be honest, I’d probably be willing anyway.

  5. Jen, I think you’re adorable and if you ever want a man, I’m ready. However, a vagina doesn’t need a decoration. If I get to see the vagina, I’m going to notice or care whether you’ve accessorized properly, I’m just going in tongue first.

  6. On the plus side, that Love vag is shaved.

    On the minus side, are the jewels distracting from some vaginal flaw? Teeth perhaps?

  7. Deacon Jones

    Maybe she’s resorted to glueing fake plastic jewels on her cooch, because, eh, i dont know, …HER ASS LOOKS LIKE A BLOATED PIG CARCASS THAT WAS USED AS A TEST DUMMY ON “DEADLIEST WARRIOR”

  8. cc

    ‘I can walk around all day and think, Nobody has any idea that I have a sparkly secret in my pants right now.’

    Are we holding an annual contest for the most retarded statement by a celeb? I am calling dibs on that one.

  9. I’m just glad no one’s told her yet about dilithium crystals. If she vagazzled with those, she’d be able to power her tractor beam and find a man at warp speed.

    • Richard McBeef

      someone should introduce her to crystal meth. Fuck wandering around with a sparkly secret, I’ve got a better one… there are spiders all the fuck over my junk and I’m high as fuck.

  10. kyle

    I see a black man in your future Jennifer Love Hewitt

    • Most black men cant afford her. Those that can wont go out with a girl that not going to put out. The whole point of going oput with a white girl is to have sex with a white girl, not look at her be pretty. Even we aint that stupid.

    • Adralin

      I don’t care how many times i watch this video i cry every time :(THIS WAS AN AMAZING SHOW!!!!! i don’t know how or why GW got cancelled but i loved it. most tv shows suck but this show was aoewsme. It thought me to be a better person. they REALLY NEED TO MAKE A GHOST WHISPERER MOVIE TO CLARIFY ANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS the fans including me have. JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT YOU ARE AMAZING!!!GW CAN’T GO INTO THE LIGHT please please please please make a GW movie the fans need it i cant say goodbye :(

  11. I think we’re overlooking the real story here. People still buy Maxim.

    • buddah

      Every respectable herpes clinic has a subscription.

    • anon

      they’re probably like me; forced to read that garbage after another publication folded & ZD switched their remaining subscription with one to Maxim, thou it has no relation to the publication dropped.

  12. dooood

    she could look like pizza the hut for all i care. i still love her for all those party of five boners

    i know she bat shit crazy but i always been attracted to crazy bitches

  13. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    Dan's friend
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d eat a sandwich made by it.

  14. Shannon

    At least she’s finally showing a little more tit.

  15. Problem?

    A bedazzled hoo ha? Sounds hygienic.

  16. Judge me all you want, I’d still tap that.

  17. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    Bert
    Commented on this photo:

    oh so shiny

  18. I dunno, I feel like her pluses easily outweigh her minuses so I would put all three of those rings on her finger and smile for the wedding photographer.

  19. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    George P Burdell
    Commented on this photo:

    Look at the vagazzling reflection in the pool.

  20. You mean those quotes about “vagazzaling” are for real? I thought they were something Fish made up…

    I don’t know about decorations on her vajayjay…I’d be afraid I might accidentally choke on one of them.

  21. I put speed holes in my dick. And man, do they work.

  22. Dan

    Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

    I would love to give you a vagazzaling. You could walk around all day with no one knowing that you have a milky substance in your pants proving someone thinks your attractive enough to have sex with.

    It’d be our little secret.

    Love,

    Dan

  23. El Jefe

    I read this as JLH the pretty girl with gorgeous big tits offered to show her vagina and this person turned it down. They should be murdered.

  24. Jiminy Cryptic

    Jen, if you want a man try this : Less vagazzalin’, more jizzguzzlin’.

  25. Da Cheese

    I could introduce her into wearing some nice pearl necklaces.

  26. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    NOI
    Commented on this photo:

    So fucking hot, she deserves someone truthful to her

  27. Turd Donkey

    “Nobody has any idea that I have a sparkly secret in my pants right now”
    Now she’s lifting pick up lines from Edward Cullen. Has she no shame?

  28. Aussie Hermit

    Sorry, I don’t get why this woman is still single? She is stunningly beautiful – I reckon the reason guys don’t hit on her is because she intimidates them, they don’t think they ever could be good enough for her. Those making the rude comments, go for it – your outing yourselves as clearly not good enough. Good luck to her.

    • CranAppleSnapple

      Wow. If you think she’s stunning then all you have to do is venture outside and you will see a world full of jaw-droppingly beautiful female specimens. Seriously, every woman alive will thrill you.

      • Aussie Hermit

        hehe, I venture out side a lot and there is lots of trees, oh you mean leave the borders of my place, oh only to go to the road house for food – other wise thats being silly, besides … though I have to wonder? if you don’t think she is – there can’t be many women you find attractive and I thought I was fussy and shallow about womens looks.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        I can list lots of pretty ones. Charlize Theron is pretty spectacular. Emma Stone, Jennifer Connelly, Sandra Bullock. Those are some that I wish I looked like.
        My hubby has a thing for Phoebe Cates. :)

  29. Frank Burns

    New from FB Industries: Nutsack Glue with Sparkles Kit! Going on a date with Jennifer Love Hewitt? Match her vagazzling with your own sparkly nutsack styling! Just apply glue and crushed colored glass to your man-bag, then head out on the town with Jennifer! She will “know what you did with your nutsack last summer” and it won’t be a “ghost whispering”, but rather you shrieking with fun (and pain)!

  30. Javier

    I get it now, you all hate her because she’s white. Well that makes sense.

  31. Sin

    Don’t get it. She does have a nice set of tits but they are not that big, let alone huge.

  32. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    Princess Consuela Banana Hammock
    Commented on this photo:

    Her breasts haven’t been THIS photoshopped since she was on the cover of Can’t Hardly Wait!

  33. Aitch

    That is absolutely insane. doesn’t she have better things to occupy her time with?

  34. steve canyon

    psssst: THE MORE NAKED BODY YOU SEE THE MORE DESPERATE SHE IS ABOUT HER AGE!!

  35. bobalu

    I’d cum on her tits and go home.

  36. anon

    I must be the only sane one here, because I don’t believe her vajazzling tales. It’s just an attempt at an aging actress to stay relevant.

  37. ken

    Don’t be fooled men,she’s trolling for a man.

  38. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    Tony Tripp
    Commented on this photo:

    she is so hot

  39. Satis

    So everybody knows that she didn’t even come up with that idea, right? “Vagazzaling is where you stick Swarovski crystals on the female area to add a little glitz and glamour. I actually named it that because it’s like BeDazzling for your hoo-ha.” ??? No Jen, what you meant to say is, I totally stole this idea, and this term, from season 3 of Blue Mountain State. (Long live Thad Castle!) Sometimes during interviews, when I have nothing interesting to say, I steal from funny TV shows, and claim the ideas as my own.” Bad enough that you suck, worse that you’re not even original about it. :(

  40. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    hmmm
    Commented on this photo:

    so photoshopped she looks like a painting

  41. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    Jim Saiff
    Commented on this photo:

    Jennifer doesn’t need to be “Doctored Up” when she is photographed–It’s all Real–!!!

  42. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    hi
    Commented on this photo:

    Computer engineers spent a whole 5 months projecting a way to upgrade Photoshop so this cover of Maxim could be issued. Too much of a load on the poor computers.

  43. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    jim x
    Commented on this photo:

    True expert of a photographer hides that big ol’booty with a thinning fur wrap. Pay attention Chaz Bono.

  44. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maxim
    Miss Truth Hurts
    Commented on this photo:

    She has a nice body but her face is ROAD KILL!

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