Knowing full well I’ll fall for it because Kryptonites are my breast, Jennifer Love Hewitt shoved her Pillsbury-esque torso in front of the paparazzi over the weekend in what I assume is an obvious effort to get herself back on the tabloid circuit saying women should embrace their bodies while simultaneously shrinking hers back down to a desirable weight so she doesn’t die alone. Talk about the oldest trick in the book. Mary Magdalene was using it on Jesus before we were even a twinkle in his dinosaur’s eyes.
MARY: You think I’m fat, don’t you?
JESUS: Nah, nah, baby girl. I just don’t want people knowin’ about us, that’s all. Keeps it roman- Shit, it’s Judas. Hide!
MARY: Hide?! Where?
JESUS: *turns her into a broomstick*
MARY: So, this is how you want me to look? After I gave you a sandal job? Mothafucka…