Jennifer Love Hewitt in a Bikini

January 3rd, 2011 // 103 Comments

Knowing full well I’ll fall for it because Kryptonites are my breast, Jennifer Love Hewitt shoved her Pillsbury-esque torso in front of the paparazzi over the weekend in what I assume is an obvious effort to get herself back on the tabloid circuit saying women should embrace their bodies while simultaneously shrinking hers back down to a desirable weight so she doesn’t die alone. Talk about the oldest trick in the book. Mary Magdalene was using it on Jesus before we were even a twinkle in his dinosaur’s eyes.

MARY: You think I’m fat, don’t you?
JESUS: Nah, nah, baby girl. I just don’t want people knowin’ about us, that’s all. Keeps it roman- Shit, it’s Judas. Hide!
MARY: Hide?! Where?
JESUS: *turns her into a broomstick*
MARY: So, this is how you want me to look? After I gave you a sandal job? Mothafucka…

Photos: Mavrix

superficial

  1. Que

    Que es buneio por que moy.

  2. Ksurfiws

    Happy New Year to you too, Fish.
    Good Start to 2011 right there.
    I would motorboat the HELL out of those babies!

  3. WHAT HAPPENED??

    Uh oh, she’s fat again. Time for another New Year’s Resolution of P90X, right Jen?

  4. Crabby Old Guy

    Two thoughts (no not THOSE two thoughts – although, as an actress, JLH does have nice breasts):

    1. Is it just me, or does she look like “any woman” from “anywhere USA”? Outside of the aforementioned lovely breasts, nothing that makes a boy go “yummy”!

    2. What’s with perennial Kentucky Derby favorite, Sarah-Jessica Parker’s mug on the front page, Fish? THIS is how you want to start a new year??? Whatever they’re paying you to run those ads, we’ll double it NOT to show her – EVER. She makes JLH look “yummy” – and I think we’ve already covered that whole thing.

  5. Smudge

    Nice rack. Too bad about everything else.

  6. Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini
    CK
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ll jump on the grenade. Wait, which ones the grenade?

  7. wim

    yep: SHE REALLY LOOKS LIKE A TURD, folks!!

  8. Cock Dr

    Get a pair of big sunglasses like Paris.
    They cover up a multitude of sins & she needs ‘em. The breasts can only distract for so long before a man looks up at the face.

  9. Rough of virtue

    You want to get out of this recession? Fine anyone who venture without make up. Not a big chunk of change, but it’ll certainly will help keep the YMCA for youth open. Help save the “children” wont you?

  10. Millie

    oh fgs get a grip. They ALL look like this until they’ve been sandblasted, liposuctioned and pulled taunt to within an inch of their lives.

  11. Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Hula skirt holiday muffin top.
    Look, I got like 10 extra pairs of cheap sunglasses. I could send some to her. It looks like an emergency.

  12. Clyde

    She is definitely someone who should not venture out in public without makeup…or a paper bag over the head.

  13. Nikki

    Her fat ass is grass

  14. stucco

    I would wreck that. I mean, more then it is already.

  15. Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini
    Dr. Hufurrrrr
    Commented on this photo:

    Krusty the Klown’s Hawaiian cousin looks like he just vajazzled all over himself.

  16. fish merkin

    She looks great for a 44 year old mother of 3. Say again? Oh scratch the mother of three.

  17. Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini
    brit
    Commented on this photo:

    who would you rather…

  18. Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini
    Hugh Gentry
    Commented on this photo:

    that old lady has a huge rack!!

  19. LJ

    The wrinkle cream ain’t workin’ for this girl.

    31 going on 40, but with that boobage, I’d still do her any day of the week.

  20. grobpilot

    “Kryptonites are my breast”?? Fish, are you drunk and stoned again? Startin’ off the new year right, buddy…..

  21. Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Those things sag worse than my grandmothers and I’m not even going to start on the old lady standing next to her.

  22. Deji

    THERE ARE JESSICA ALBA BIKINI CANDIDS!! COME ON! POST THOSE, PLEASE.

  23. Jester

    Man she looks TERRIBLE, her face is all haggard and look at that belly fat, what the hell was she thinking. I swear to God I didnt even look at her umm assets, couldnt get past the face.

    • addeline

      HATERS !! SHE IS NOT FAT!!! just because shes not a size 0 doesnt mean she is fat, i think she looks good! she clearly has no signs of makeup on and shes still pretty….most other stars are to afraid to step out of the house without makeup on!!!! give her a break and remember the golden rule: if you have nothing nice to say about someone SHUT THE F UP

      • Wow. This site would be a friggin’ vacant if we all followed your golden rule there. In fact, now that I think of it, the entire premise of this site is the complete opposite of said golden rule.

  24. MarkM

    Dear Webster Dictionary…Here is what should be your entry for the definition of “Butter-Face.”

  25. Michelle

    Holy crap look at the size of her ears!

  26. Lady Blah Blah

    If flowers had brains and organs of perception like people, they would be aware that flowers reach a peak after which it’s all downhill (unless you’re into dried, dread flowers). If people had brains they’d realize the same thing about themselves. I mean, look at her face.

  27. Lady Blah Blah

    Jennifer Love Handles

  28. startin' off right

    Meh…

    Move along folks, nothing to see here.

  29. Wotwot

    Holy crap, what happened to her face!? Maybe she’s born with it, or maybe it’s photo-shop. This photographer obviously didn’t get the memo, yikes!

  30. GravyLeg

    If that body is a Wonderland, park management needs to get someone to maintain the rides a little more….

  31. Joe Blow

    I’ll bet when she walks it looks like two battleships are fighting under that grass skirt.

  32. Valentina

    She is so OLD.

  33. truth

    I’m gonna spurt thick wads of hot creamy jizz while thinking about her later. And not feel guilty in the least.

  34. Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini
    Ned
    Commented on this photo:

    She is not aging well. In another year, those fun bags are going to be flopping around her ankles

  35. stucco

    Jennifer Love Twinkies

  36. Mortimer Duke

    Holy Shit! Release the Fatten! Her face looks like Woody Harrelson’s landlady in Kingpin.

    http://www.thefilmyap.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/Kingpin-amore.jpg

  37. I think we’re gonna need a flower to hide the other ear too.

  38. Fish, only you could link tits to Jesus in a way that didn’t involve either praying or swearing. Judas was just gravy.

  39. Mitch

    Wow, someone sure beat her with the ugly stick.

  40. Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini
    539
    Commented on this photo:

    First! Ok body but face is looking haggered.

    539

  41. What the hell happened to her face? EW!

  42. She’s so lovely! I’d marry her in a second, “high maintenance”-ness, cankles, and big ears or not. SHE’S WONDERFUL!!!

  43. Mario Mario

    Okay first we see the Monster that is Katy Perry, Now THIS
    FISH YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK???

    Fish you know I love you but you are killing me Man!

  44. datroof

    Daaaaayyyyyyyuuuuuuum. She’s fallen to pieces.

    This cow is the poster-bovine for lazy, bloated women who don’t want to work out, eat every sugar-laden foodstuff within 30 feet, and whine that men still don’t find them sexy.

    Even when she was in shape (back in the 10-15 years ago), she seemed painfully high-maintenance. A woman who demanded constant attention and professions of sacchirine love. And didn’t really like sex all that much. Probably straight missionary. No doggy. No cowgirl. No blowjobs (they’re not “intimate” enough). And no way your getting your cock near her tits. Nope, it’s a few minutes of straight missionary and then a long couple hours of cuddling because “Isn’t that really the best party sweety? When we get to share what’s in our hearts.”

  45. lightdragon

    oh great , it’s the return of the Penis Whisperer.
    And we all know what she is whispering to it.

  46. John Paul

    Keeps it Roman?!? Okay, so I guess you know you’re on the express train straight to hell with no stops, but do you really want to be on fire in the coal car the whole way?

  47. zilly

    She wouldn’t looks so fat if she didn’t have a midget torso.

  48. Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini
    still hit it
    Commented on this photo:

    i guess she brings the old ladies with so she looks good in comparision

  49. Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini
    andiamo
    Commented on this photo:

    say what you want, but at her age, she can still get it!

  50. josh

    What a dog ! :-(
    How old is she again ?

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