Scientology Ruined Jennifer Lopez’s Marriage

The Superficial / August 16, 2011

“Shit, is that a Thetan?! Esmeralda, shield the children!”

While Jennifer Lopez has been busy making sure people think Marc Anthony is Ike Turner’s less violent twin, Julio, I’m going to assume his people leaked this little tidbit to the Daily Mail which should go over awesome with the strictly Catholic Latino community who haven’t figured out she’s been courting Scientology since 2008:

Jennifer is close friends with Tom Cruise and his wife Katie Holmes – also staunch Scientologists.
She said in a recent interview she ‘wouldn’t mind’ having her twins educated by the church, adding: ‘I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.’
A source close to the couple said: ‘Jennifer and Marc couldn’t see eye-to-eye on the subject. She’s always been more into the church than him. He wasn’t a huge fan and it caused problems.’

Keep in mind, Scientology has always been touted to celebrities as more of a career-booster first, batshit cash-grab second, so it only makes sense that Jennifer Lopez still wants to join in case that cauldron she hovers over trying to get Ben Affleck to bang her back into superstar-dom doesn’t pan out. But while the church boasts such proud, sparkling jewels as Tom Cruise and John Travolta, it also counts Danny Masterson, Kirstie Alley and Lisa Marie Presley as part of its flock. Also, J-Lo’s close friend Leah Remini is a member, but nobody remembers who that is because apparently the Xenu juice only works on gay men. Something about their proficiency with sequins or anal torque rates, I honestly haven’t finished reading the pamphlet:

Like glistening man stomach and a nice relaxing pedicure?
WE’LL FIX THAT SHIT WITH LASERS.

They’ll fix that shit with lasers, it says.

Photo: Splash News