Scientology Ruined Jennifer Lopez’s Marriage

August 16th, 2011 // 40 Comments

“Shit, is that a Thetan?! Esmeralda, shield the children!”

While Jennifer Lopez has been busy making sure people think Marc Anthony is Ike Turner’s less violent twin, Julio, I’m going to assume his people leaked this little tidbit to the Daily Mail which should go over awesome with the strictly Catholic Latino community who haven’t figured out she’s been courting Scientology since 2008:

Jennifer is close friends with Tom Cruise and his wife Katie Holmes – also staunch Scientologists.
She said in a recent interview she ‘wouldn’t mind’ having her twins educated by the church, adding: ‘I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.’
A source close to the couple said: ‘Jennifer and Marc couldn’t see eye-to-eye on the subject. She’s always been more into the church than him. He wasn’t a huge fan and it caused problems.’

Keep in mind, Scientology has always been touted to celebrities as more of a career-booster first, batshit cash-grab second, so it only makes sense that Jennifer Lopez still wants to join in case that cauldron she hovers over trying to get Ben Affleck to bang her back into superstar-dom doesn’t pan out. But while the church boasts such proud, sparkling jewels as Tom Cruise and John Travolta, it also counts Danny Masterson, Kirstie Alley and Lisa Marie Presley as part of its flock. Also, J-Lo’s close friend Leah Remini is a member, but nobody remembers who that is because apparently the Xenu juice only works on gay men. Something about their proficiency with sequins or anal torque rates, I honestly haven’t finished reading the pamphlet:

Like glistening man stomach and a nice relaxing pedicure?

They’ll fix that shit with lasers, it says.

Photo: Splash News


  1. Buddy the Elf

    I’m going on a limb to say JLO ruining her own damn marriage.
    With that ego and inflated sense of self worth there isnt enough room on the planet for a partner.

  2. Jennifer Lopez Scientology
    Commented on this photo:

    “No, please don’t take me to the Skarsgard!”

  3. DogBoy

    JLO: too much flava, too much swagga

  4. Jennifer Lopez Scientology
    Commented on this photo:

    Gosh she has some ugly kids!

    • Yesenia

      LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW! I hate to say this… but they aren’t the best looking kids. Marc is ugly, and well… she must have had some work done on her face… are they even marc’s kids? lol.. my four year old is prettier than her daughter and my daughter has mouse ears! LOL…. my husband is ugly to boot, but he is one hell of a dad. lol… sorry can’t say the same for marc

  5. J Lo

    Nobody touches me like I touch myself :)

  6. Fucking lasers, how do they work?

  7. Fester

    J-Lo will get along just fine with her new sybian model e-meter. Studies show the best way to rid yourself of stored engrams is to vibrate them out of a lower orifice. It works for John and Tom, anyway…

    • Say what you will about Scientology, but it’s no more crazy than Christianity, Islam, or Mormonism, no less crazy either. All of them are pretty firmly in the “you gotta be kidding me” category.

      The idea that Christians are looking down their noses as Scientologists for whacked out beliefs is absolutely hilarious.

      • Lion O

        Well there is one key difference. The founder of all those religions didn’t publicly state prior to founding it that he wasn’t making enough money as a sci fi author and that founding a religion was a better way to rake in the dough. Doesn’t get much clearer than that, “I want to make more money than I currently do, so I’m going to make up a religion”. Hats off to him though for finding some many wealthy idiots to join in an level up by donating cash.

      • demented

        Yep, here come the anti-religion trolls, right on schedule. So predictable.

        And yes, aliens flying across the galaxy in jets to dump criminals in our volcanoes IS more ridiculous than… just about anything.

        Also, I don’t remember the founders of those religions making them as a TAX DODGE so they could compensate for their shitty book sales.

      • Yeah, I thought this site was for having some fun with those that are superficial like so much of Hollywood is. I was naiive to the fact that there were also among us those who are superficial, who put themselves upon a pedestal as an authority on religion, etc. and think they owe us their ‘intellectual’ turds. I thought this site was for a little fun, not for the typical insult against one’s religious beliefs. Freedom is more than being able to type some jokes freely on a celebrity site. Fester didn’t say he was a Christian, yet you try to jam your bullshit down his and anyone else who doesn’t believe your crap. Why should anyone believe what you say? What makes you an authority on religion or anything else other than wisecracking?

    • thanks for declaring me an authority on wisecracking, criticism of religion is just a hobby…flipping shit at celebrities is my passion.

  8. Cindy

    That daughter of hers already has that bitchy ‘fierce’ face down pat.

    • Lilyness

      I thinked the same thing but when I look a little more I see a 4 or something with her hair tied up as if she was going to the red carpet same for the clothes and I can totally imagine J.Lo screaming at her because damn that not how you hold a Chanel pusre

    • haha

      That’s exactly what I thought.

  9. Langdon

    ‘I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.’

    That’s the problem. We do know it; way better than you do. We actually don’t have to pay $100,000 bucks to read OT III material.

    • the internet is the biggest challenge to Scientology today. Used to be you had to pay 10′s of thousands of dollars to advance to the “crazy shit” levels…now you can find it online for free.

      • demented

        Bless the interwebs! They spread vital knowledge! I’m sure Scienos curse the day when that information got out.

        Which also highlights a difference between Scientology and real religions: real religions don’t force you to PAY to find out their belief systems. They’re more than happy to tell you.

    • angie


  10. Artofwar

    ….”Anal torque rates”???—-DEAD!!!

  11. MarkCA

    Chances are the other woman in the photo is a Scientologist sent by the mother ship to help raise her kids.

    Because that’s just how Scientology rolls – sending slaves to do the every day work.

  12. Fester

    I hope you weren’t suggesting that I am one of those wacky kwistians. I consider all religions and/or accounts of the supernatural to be equally preposterous.

  13. Jennifer Lopez Scientology
    Commented on this photo:

    i could have sworn that was Beyonce.

  14. Jennifer Lopez Scientology
    Commented on this photo:

    These kids are never smiling. What sad toys they get to play with, plastic meaningless junk. 3 year old still in diapers? Could use a diaper cover! Let’s not only 1 person in the family be refined.

  15. forrest gump

    so let’s hope katie holmes will soon relieved from her hellraiser tom cruise, folks!!

    • Kandi

      I Hope so too. But that will never happen. She’s been inoctrinated for too long. I am convinced she’s totally brainwashed

  16. Cracker

    I’m confused by what this article is about. It seems to be about someone named “Jennifer Lopez,” but the only semi-famous person with that name has been irrelevant for almost 20 years now. Can’t imagine that is who they are talking about.

  17. Chris

    I just realised how much I don’t care about her when I wanted to write a comment but couldn’t care to finish it. I just love these little moments of illumination.

  18. destroyedfam

    What is really the difference between “Scientology and other religions is the thought control aspect. The best YouTube video on that was done by the BBC and entitled “Scientology, Inside the Cult”. If you want to understand the workings of the scientology hierarchy read the New York Times best seller
    “Inside Scientology” by Janet Reitman. This is no casual religion. There is a reason why the celebs leave and come back with “auditing”.

  19. David

    The truth behind Celebrity divorces, is that they joined the church of scientology via Tom Cruise who is drilled (learn how to lure people into the church) by his best friend, the leader of the church of scientology (David Miscavige). As we have witnessed with JLO and Marc who also became Scientology and later parted by the chuch’s leader (David Miscavige), Jada and Will Smith’s divorce is also caused by the church.
    The church of Scientology is known for its “Disconnection Policy”. Once they get hold of your Confidential details (sins) in their counseling sessions, they use it to bribe you for more money or you are toasted. That is their nasty trick (spilling out your dirt). Nichole Kidman didn’t buy into all the oppression from Tom Cruise or the church so she got booted out. Now they are using the same tactic on Jada, Will, Marc & JLO. Most likely Jada will remain a Scientologist and Will will quietly leave the church.
    Anyone who gets close to Tom Cruise will eventually suffer from family disconnection. WAKE UP Hollywood! Don’t let the Church of Scientology to ruin your family.

  20. NYJ

    ‘I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.’
    And I just wish airhead celebrities wouldn’t apologize for it without knowing what it REALLY is.

  21. Noscere

    Sure. it ruined Nicole’s marriage, Katie’s marriage, Will Smith’s marriage, Mimi’s marriage, JLo’s marriage and it also is presently ruining John T’s marriage. It ruined the friendship between the Beckhams and the Cruises. It destroyed any freedom of religeon Connor and Bella had.
    Lisa Marie hasn’t had much luck in the relationship arena.
    Neither has Kristy had much luck in life. It actually totally ruined Mr. Miscavige’s wife. Was there ever a police investigation into her disappearance?

  22. Jennifer Lopez Scientology
    Commented on this photo:

    You don’t know what he is like with his other kids. Do you stalk him? He has joined ctduosy of his other kids.All the bitter haters out in force. Lets pray karma doesn’t bite you soon.

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