Jennifer Lawrence’s Hymen Grew Back Because Boys Are Mean
“Like grew back, grew back?”
“In your vagina?”
“Her her, mer hermern.”
Tomorrow’s Saturday, which means anyone who reads and/or writes this site has a lonely evening ahead of them, but so does Jennifer Lawrence who told Vogue she’s lonely that parts of her vagina are growing back because apparently something breaks in them when you have sex? I’m even more confused now.
Glasses of wine in hand, we head upstairs, and when we walk into the enormous master suite she makes a sweeping gesture toward the bed and says, “This is where the maaagic haaaappens.” Then she shoots me a get-real look. “Literally zero magic has happened in here.” She holds up her glass in a toast: “Cheers to my hymen growing back!”
Turns out that since breaking up with Chris Martin, boys are terrified to ask her out. Or when they do they go fucking alpha on her.
“No one ever asks me out,” she says. “I am lonely every Saturday night. Guys are so mean to me. I know where it’s coming from, I know they’re trying to establish dominance, but it hurts my feelings. I’m just a girl who wants you to be nice to me. I am straight as an arrow. I feel like I need to meet a guy, with all due respect, who has been living in Baghdad for five years who has no idea who I am.”
In Jennifer Lawrence’s defense, she was just dating Coldplay, so literally anything is going to seem aggressively masculine after that. Fuck, I’d probably look like Rambo.
“Ohmygod, you’re such a macho pig.”
“For putting soy milk on my cereal?”
“Dude, I get it. You’re the big swinging dick.”
“I’m gonna watch cartoons on Netflix now.”
“Watch out, everybody, BIG MAN coming throu- holy shit, you really are watching cartoons.”
“This one has Batman!”