Jennifer Lawrence Is Banging Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Chris Martin

“Who’s gettin’ GOOPed now, bitch? WHA?”

Gwyneth Paltrow is a wound tight, meticulous of curator macrobiotic living filtered through a sexy, breezy pashmina that only costs $25,000, so any single, working mom can afford it. Jennifer Lawrence… well, Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t give a fuck. She’ll fart, burp, make a demon face on the red carpet to crack Taylor Swift’s veneer, and basically do things that make Gwyneth Paltrow take 14 Xanax at night. “Are those.. paper plates? My pills. WHERE ARE MOMMY’S PILLS?!” Not to mention, Jennifer Lawrence actually has breasts and they’re like staring into Jesus’s eyes, so really it shouldn’t be a surprise that Chris Martin is dating her which I’m sure has nothing to do with Gwyneth using Us Weekly to tell the world she has a new boyfriend. Purely coincidence. E! News reports:

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are seeing each other, multiple sources confirm to E! News. We’re told that the pair has been spending quality together since late June after the Oscar winner split with her X-Men costar Nicholas Hoult.

And Chris Martin thought fast food was awesome.

“Alright, baby, I got an early morning. Do me from behind.”
“Whoa, wait. You mean you don’t want to spend 14 hours doing Tantric yoga before having missionary-style intercourse through the fly of our Ecuadorian slumber chinos?”
“Dude, I don’t know what the fuck you just said. Stick it in before I punch you in the mouth.”
“Yes, mum.”
“Did you just call me your mom? Hell yeah.”

Photos: Getty