Jennifer Lawrence Is Banging Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Chris Martin

August 15th, 2014 // 41 Comments
'I Can Eat Meat Now!'
Chris Martin
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“Who’s gettin’ GOOPed now, bitch? WHA?”

Gwyneth Paltrow is a wound tight, meticulous of curator macrobiotic living filtered through a sexy, breezy pashmina that only costs $25,000, so any single, working mom can afford it. Jennifer Lawrence… well, Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t give a fuck. She’ll fart, burp, make a demon face on the red carpet to crack Taylor Swift‘s veneer, and basically do things that make Gwyneth Paltrow take 14 Xanax at night. “Are those.. paper plates? My pills. WHERE ARE MOMMY’S PILLS?!” Not to mention, Jennifer Lawrence actually has breasts and they’re like staring into Jesus’s eyes, so really it shouldn’t be a surprise that Chris Martin is dating her which I’m sure has nothing to do with Gwyneth using Us Weekly to tell the world she has a new boyfriend. Purely coincidence. E! News reports:

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are seeing each other, multiple sources confirm to E! News. We’re told that the pair has been spending quality together since late June after the Oscar winner split with her X-Men costar Nicholas Hoult.

And Chris Martin thought fast food was awesome.

“Alright, baby, I got an early morning. Do me from behind.”
“Whoa, wait. You mean you don’t want to spend 14 hours doing Tantric yoga before having missionary-style intercourse through the fly of our Ecuadorian slumber chinos?”
“Dude, I don’t know what the fuck you just said. Stick it in before I punch you in the mouth.”
“Yes, mum.”
“Did you just call me your mom? Hell yeah.”

Photos: Getty


  1. With a little fame, you, too can nab a post-succubus gay man.

  2. Jennifer Lawrence Golden Globes
    Commented on this photo:

    Short hair has gotta go.

  3. Slash

    Well, if you’re gonna bang someone to make your recently consciously uncoupled wife/not wife feel bad, Jennifer Lawrence is a really good choice.

    I think she could do a little better, but … whatever. Maybe she likes scrawny British dudes.

  4. Lawrence would be better in bed, but would look sloppier after it.

    Depends how you feel about regret…

  5. He did his time with the most self-important cunt imaginable.

    The man deserves a little happiness. And if all goes well, Coldplay will eventually release an album that’s worth stealing from Usenet.

  6. Myst

    …not GP’s anymore…

  7. A major step up,. Well done Chris, well done.

    BTW that write up was fucking hilarious. I’d love to hear Jennifer talk like that.

  8. You all have such a hate boner for Goop that you fail to recognize the impact this has on theological and philosophical debate. Chris Martin landed Jennifer Lawrence. Nietzsche was right – god is dead.

  9. Swearin

    Ha, he went from banging Gwyneth Paltrow to banging New Meryl Streep.

    For those playing the home game, Blake Lively = New Gwyneth Paltrow, or at least she wants to be.

  10. mike

    “Do me from my behind.”


  11. dreamcrusher

    Jen is probably strapping it on and doing him from behind until he cries. I’m sure her British poofter fantasy won’t last long.

  12. Visible

    She hates American cock.

  13. why do i even come to this site anymore? it’s only half as funny as it used to be

    • even I thumbed this down. Take no offense, Mr. Redmond, a jealous woman typed this. Long story. Hope she doesn’t make me choose between my hours on the superficial or her. Eh, she’s no Jennifer Lawrence so I’ll take Fish.

  14. Jennifer Lawrence Golden Globes
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey Chubby, America has guys too!

  15. whatever

    Now everybody knows Chris Martin is into fake pretentious bitchhes, they deserve eachother, Lawrence is every bit a uptight bitchh like Gwyneth, she’s just good at pretending she’s not.

  16. Cock Dr

    I’ll laugh when she dumps him.

  17. cc

    Oh FFS, now I’ll hear even MORE about this utterly unremarkable woman.

  18. MZ MIZRY

    lmao if she’s a devoted follower of all of goopy’s goopy goop living bullshit goop.

  19. kery

    I like Jennifer and she deserves the best.

  20. Michael Buble

    Martin escaped from the Paltrow, he was liberated, and it was good. But the Paltrow weakens not – it only retreats. And some day hence the Paltrow will emerge with ego in tow, and another will be enslaved.

  21. gen

    Meanwhile at school…

    Apple: “Yes, I know my birth mother is a pretentious snubbing bitch but you can laugh all you want at her now because my new mom is Katniss Everdeen and she’s gonna kick your ass!

  22. Having sworn to never join a club (web site) that will have me for a member… All I can think to say is, GEE, I must be SUPERFICIAL!

  23. I am SO over her now

    she used to be America’s sweetheart, the bloom came off that Rose awfully fast. Now just another Hollywood hussy, jumping bed to bed. Pathetic. And fat too.

  24. Hamilton

    Ecuadorean slumber chinos.
    Well done. That made me laugh.

  25. maybe she’s just using him so he can do a soundtrack for a navel gazing, self important, feel good, Oscar wanking movie she will be in….

  26. Kimmykimkim

    Gross. I kind of liked Jennifer Lawrence for about 2 seconds but I’m realizing she’s really not all that special. Just some basic broad that gets lady boners over some has-been with an accent and a guitar. Yawn…

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