Jennifer Garner Is Mad At People (Magazine)

People Magazine was really reaching when they decided to give Jennifer Garner their latest cover story. The piece is meant to portray Garner having one of those Eat Pray Love, pre-menopause things, a completely unrealistic but a marketable fantasy to stay-at-home moms who married too young and are now getting divorced because their kids got old and daddy started spending more time with “clients” on weekends. The piece says that she’s “moving on from the love of her life” and “finding happiness” probably by appropriating Buddhism and taking lots of camomile baths.

The fact is, Garner isn’t up to anything particularly interesting other than raising her kids and dealing with a very sad, but undeniably “fahthaly” Ben Affleck. The whole article is written from “a source close to her” which is just… dumb… it’s fucking dumb, there’s no better word for sourcing information on someones personal life with this “sources close to them” line – I’m so over that shit. If the gardener wants to spill the beans for $500 on the spot, just say “we paid the gardener $500 bucks and he told us that he saw Mrs. Gardener shoving hardboiled eggs in her ass through the kitchen window one day. Boom. I’d believe that. Here is a picture of the gardener too, maybe they’ll get a reality TV show called “Kitchen Peekers” or something out of it. (If you thought that was going to be a picture of a Mexican person you are a realllll piece of work, buddy.)

Five hours after People decided not to bum people out with a big story on Manchester, Jennifer took to Facebook to tell all the hens to go back to Pier 1 Imports and keep her name out their mouth.

“This isn’t a tragedy by any measure, but it does affect me and my family and so, before my mom’s garden club lights up her phone, I wanted to set the record straight: I did not pose for this cover. I did not participate in or authorize this article. While we are here, for what it’s worth: I have three wonderful kids and my family is complete.”

SUCK IT, People Magazine. Coming from 1/2 of a celeb couple that used the gossip machine to their advantage for a long time, this is one of the best examples of perspective I’ve seen from a celeb since Jennifer Lawrence told everyone that getting drunk in Austria is awesome and everyone should do it.