Jennifer Garner Burned The Shit Out of Ben Affleck’s Back Tattoo

While the Internet had a field day with reports that Ben Affleck rewrote the Batman V Superman script while dressed as Batman, that was only an appetizer for the beautiful, hand-crafted feast Jennifer Garner prepared for us in the pages of Vanity Fair. Which you can read in its entirety, or have Lainey Gossip expertly walk you through the highlights. I recommend both because not only does Jennifer Garner pull off some world-class, diplomatic side-eye by confirming that Ben Affleck banged the nanny the second the papers were signed, but that his back tattoo is real as shit, and she’ll be motherfucked if some moobed bitch is going to call her ashes.

One thing is for sure: she refuses to claim responsibility for the midlife-crisis tattoo—the rising phoenix—that takes up her estranged husband’s entire back, as seen in photographs. “You know what we would say in my hometown about that? ‘Bless his heart.’ A phoenix rising from the ashes. Am I the ashes in this scenario?” Garner says with a wink.
“I take umbrage. I refuse to be the ashes.”

Keep in mind, Jennifer Garner is from West Virginia, and “bless your heart” is southern for “Goddammit, you idiot.” Which still makes her a better person than me because here’s how I would’ve started this interview: “Hey, did you know Batman has tits?” And then I would’ve held this picture up for every single answer because it’s Batman’s tits. These are tits on Batman.

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Then again, that’s just me and my belief that all divorces should be settled in groups like The Hunger Games, and this shit’s a goddamn trident to the face.

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“For District Only Ladies Should Have Tits!” KER-CHUNK!

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Photo: Vanity Fair