Jennifer Aniston’s Getting Married Now. Of Course.

April 23rd, 2012 // 43 Comments
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Whenever anyone writes about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, there’s inevitably some joke about a jilted, bitter Jennifer Aniston which is then inevitably followed by a few random people defending her and saying she’s moved on with her life and couldn’t care less about Brad and Angelina. So to those people, I want you to remember today when we all found out that not even a week after Brangelina announced their engagement, Jennifer Aniston shoved Justin Theroux on a plane to Crete so they can immediately plan a July wedding. TMZ reports:

Sources connected with the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete (where Aniston’s dad was born, located about 230 miles south of Greece) tell TMZ … Aniston was there recently, scoping the place out. Our sources say Aniston mentioned a July wedding.

BTW, one of the hotel big wigs says Aniston hasn’t settled on his hotel for the nuptials … as he put it, “She has connections on the other side of the island as well.”

In the meantime, Chelsea Handler is clearly angling to be the spite-maid of honor (Or God willing, champagne fountain attendant.) in this fucking production because here she is in the latest issue of More slamming Angelina Jolie again:

When asked the opposite of a girl’s girl… “Probably Angelina Jolie,” says Handler, who, for the record, counts Jennifer Aniston among her close friends. “You just know as a woman when you see another woman if that’s a woman you can trust. She (Jolie) doesn’t strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with.”

In related news, Angelina Jolie died today shortly after learning she’d never be friends with a bat-faced alcoholic who fucked her way onto TV. “She simply lost the will to live,” Chelsea Handler imagined Brad Pitt saying before asking her if she’d like to be on TV again because his penis can do that, you know? “What’s that? You want Jennifer to watch? But she’s not as funny as you. I might not get a boner.”

UPDATE: Jennifer Aniston’s rep just denied this report to Us Magazine by saying if she was in Greece, why wasn’t she photographed there? Which is something you say if your client’s Miley Cyrus, not Jennifer Aniston who’s managed to go unphotographed since fucking March.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News


  1. Alex

    I thought you couldn’t get married after a certain age.

  2. Crissy

    This woman is so “Meh” that the only thing that makes her interesting to me is the fact that Angie stole her husband!

    • long duk dong

      you should’ve left it at so meh.

      hey dude if you wanna get out of this thing stat, I have four words for you: piss in her ass.

      correction: my cell mate, um cube mate states she digs that type of thing…sorry, but you’re screwed

  3. I love how people are still describing Angelina Jolie as a treacherous man-stealer, but Jennifer Aniston takes Justin Theroux from a 14-year relationship, and she gets a pass. Also, why are the men blameless in all this? (Oh, right. Tits and pussy have power over us.)

    • Crissy

      You are right to highlight this, but again, people dont know about it cause they simply dont care about her! The only reason why people talk about Angie is because, well, she actually IS interesting! love or hate her!

    • I’m a little worried that you would even go in this direction. The right answer is when Jolie was hot, she was right. Now she looks like a skeleton and Aniston is (relatively) hot, so Aniston is right. And when they both look like a bag of dicks? They’ll fight in a trailer park and nobody will care.

  4. Jackie

    I remember this Diane Sawyer or Barbara Walters interview where Brad Pitt flat out started crying about how much he wanted kids when he was still married to Jennifer Aniston. I felt so uncomfortable/embarrassed for the dude. That’s why I also find it funny when people/blogs act like he and Jennifer Aniston had some perfect marriage and Angelina came and snatched him away with her hypnotic pussy. Who knows if he cheated or not, but it’s kind of weird how Jennifer Aniston can do no wrong in the eyes of a lot of people.

    • Insider

      This is sooooooo true. Aniston was a shit wife. Figure it out.

    • The best part of hypnotic pussy is it doesn’t bitch when I feel sleeeppppyyy afterwards.

    • JC


    • Cock Dr

      Jen is probably a lot of fun to party with and is great in the sack, but apparently men can get the baby fever too.

    • Jack Ketch

      I totally don’t get her appeal at all, never did. She’s the least talented of all the Friends and I’ve always found her acting in feature films very lame. And she’s homely. Nice figure, takes care of herself, but homely, sorry. And you cannot “steal” a happily married man. Brad Pitt was obviously not happy with her. She just doesn’t seem to have any personality ! Angelina is at least interesting in an interview. Brad wanted kids and went for it. The End.

      • dooood

        you’re probably gay bro. her tits carried that awful tv show

      • Schmidtler

        Her tits have carried her entire career! She can’t act, she’s not funny, she’s box office poison, and other than some fat lonely housewives who feel sorry for her getting dumped by Brad Pitt, nobody likes her at all. But hey, nice tits!

      • Jack Ketch

        I’m actually a girl … I never noticed her tits, lol :)

      • I call BS. I haven’t heard of a single man that had anything good to say about JA in the rack. What I have heard is the male writers on Friends used to brag about how Aniston would let them bang her if they’d give her a few extra lines per show or the best jokes. Go over to the Smoking Gun and check it out. It’s all in a lawsuit filed by a former female writer. No guy wants to marry the high school “bad girl”.

  5. Dramatic Puddle

    Can’t stand either woman; neither Aniston nor Jolie are interesting. But I’m gonna guess that Aniston moved on long ago, and so too should the rest of you, because I’m betting none of those involved give a shit what any of us thinks or believes.

  6. Dude of Dudes

    Well it was either that or eat her feelings.

  7. EK

    Crete is 230 miles south of Greece? Not really, it’s an island that’s a part of Greece.

    • Anon

      I was about to post the same thing! I’m glad someone else was bugged by that too.

    • dooood

      some other fun facts:
      crete is where theseus killed the minotaur in the labyrinth.
      all the kings of ancient crete were named minus.

      • Facts, my ass. It’s Minos, not “minus”, idiot – and it’s Cretan for “king”. Because the Bronze Age kicked off from there in 2700 BC, the word Minoan, that now refers to the island and its inhabitants, was probably derived from the idea of that civilization’s superiority.

        “King Minos” exists in mythology and legend, as do Asterion, Catreus and others, but there’s no solid historical evidence for his existence. The half-man, half- bull minotaur is a mythical creature, and despite extensive excavations of the palace at Knossos and the rest of the island, no formal or concentric labyrinth, which actually could have been used in a sacrificial rite to some sort of bull, has been uncovered.

      • Anon

        This is getting me so excited. People who enjoy inane celebrity gossip AND ancient mythology??

      • BlackAndWhite.Minstrel

        Labyrinth- the “palace of the double-edged axe” from “labrys” – the “double-edged axe”, symbol of royal power, that Knossos is covered in.

        On a related note; after Theseus married Ariadne in Crete “he had no joy of her” according to Homer…because she’d already been married to a god

      • Hey, once you’ve had a god, all other men pale by comparison. It’s often referred to as Skarsgård Syndrome.

      • dooood

        crap man, you’re gonna give me that much shit over 1 letter?
        and then give me a whole tirade over how mythology isn’t real?
        gimme a fucking break dude.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        Whoa! Being from Crete makes you a Cretan? That’s uncalled-for, man!

  8. Cock Dr

    It gives hope to the insane notion that a girl next door type of Hollywood actress, after getting very publicly dumped by the “Sexiest Man Alive”, can go on and find lots of great sex and everlasting twoo love with another.

  9. MR

    Crete is part of Greece. Who wrote this article?

  10. Breaking news: Angelina Jolie not shaped like a bottle of vodka, not named Fifty Cent. In related news, Chelsea Handler not friends with Angelina Jolie.

  11. LeelaGoLucky

    I can’t believe Fish fell for this. She’s not getting married

    • Jonas Grumby

      Oh thank goodness! I’d hate for anything to get in the way of her making her usual movies, be it a romantic comedy, or a romance with comedic overtones. Just two years away from suburban housewife roles, Jen, so get them in while you can.

  12. EricLr

    Chelsea Handler has her tongue up the ass of any celeb who might extend her 15 minutes by even a few seconds. I guess being the resident suck-ass to Jennifer Anniston and Reese Witherspoon is at least a step up from the E! Exec she banged for 2 years to get and keep her TV show.

  13. Schmidtler

    I heard she was ordered by homeland security to carry fluffy sweaters in front of her chest to avoid her steely nipples of death poking out the eyes of innocent bystanders.

  14. So should I just ignore the links at the top & right side of this page that say this rumor is false?

  15. remywill

    Damn, just started at this site and I had no idea this was a LOON site!!

    • Alexa

      Of all time? I think the number of Marilyn Monroe captcoys proves that her brand of sexiness has longevity. I don’t see Lindsay Lohan posing for Playboy “channelling Jennifer Aniston”. So even pure statistics do not support their assertion.

  16. GreekFacts

    Stupid Fact mix up, Crete is an island of Greece, 230 miles south of ATHENS… It is still Greece

    Oh and nobody cares about Jennifer Aniston

  17. wellnessbyyoga

    Yoga, by a literal meaning “Yoke” means join, unite or attach, a technique to synchronize the entire human system for the best health and performance.

  18. Jennifer Aniston Justin Theroux
    Commented on this photo:

    Best wishes to Mr and Mrs Fonzarelli.

  19. I don’t give a shit about any of these people.

    • helmi

      FaeRae4Jason@TheBrianWashed Try YouTubing some of her other songs. She did some work for Huncheback of Notre Dame. She really can sing. This was just a sithty song.

  20. Jennifer Aniston Justin Theroux
    Pooper T. Washington
    Commented on this photo:

    Why is this dipshit wearing some sort of little gold pistol medallion on his necklace? Is this supposed to be some sort of “badass” plumage? (snort).

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