Jennifer Aniston’s Getting Married Now. Of Course.

The Superficial / April 23, 2012

Whenever anyone writes about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, there’s inevitably some joke about a jilted, bitter Jennifer Aniston which is then inevitably followed by a few random people defending her and saying she’s moved on with her life and couldn’t care less about Brad and Angelina. So to those people, I want you to remember today when we all found out that not even a week after Brangelina announced their engagement, Jennifer Aniston shoved Justin Theroux on a plane to Crete so they can immediately plan a July wedding. TMZ reports:

Sources connected with the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete (where Aniston’s dad was born, located about 230 miles south of Greece) tell TMZ … Aniston was there recently, scoping the place out. Our sources say Aniston mentioned a July wedding.

BTW, one of the hotel big wigs says Aniston hasn’t settled on his hotel for the nuptials … as he put it, “She has connections on the other side of the island as well.”

In the meantime, Chelsea Handler is clearly angling to be the spite-maid of honor (Or God willing, champagne fountain attendant.) in this fucking production because here she is in the latest issue of More slamming Angelina Jolie again:

When asked the opposite of a girl’s girl… “Probably Angelina Jolie,” says Handler, who, for the record, counts Jennifer Aniston among her close friends. “You just know as a woman when you see another woman if that’s a woman you can trust. She (Jolie) doesn’t strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with.”

In related news, Angelina Jolie died today shortly after learning she’d never be friends with a bat-faced alcoholic who fucked her way onto TV. “She simply lost the will to live,” Chelsea Handler imagined Brad Pitt saying before asking her if she’d like to be on TV again because his penis can do that, you know? “What’s that? You want Jennifer to watch? But she’s not as funny as you. I might not get a boner.”

UPDATE: Jennifer Aniston’s rep just denied this report to Us Magazine by saying if she was in Greece, why wasn’t she photographed there? Which is something you say if your client’s Miley Cyrus, not Jennifer Aniston who’s managed to go unphotographed since fucking March.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News