Jennifer Aniston Cured Perez Hilton

February 3rd, 2011 // 70 Comments

Jennifer Aniston appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres show today where she revealed she’s the one who transformed Perez Hilton into a kinder, gentler blogger hirer of ghostwriters instructed to dangle from Lady GaGa‘s veal drapes:

Ellen: We should talk about Perez Hilton because Perez Hilton was a guy who was doing some nasty things to a lot of celebrities. He was on our show and was talking about how it was going to change. When the bullying thing was happening and a lot of kids were committing suicide, he realized he was a bully. He told one of our producers that basically he started thinking about it because you confronted him about it. I think it’s a fascinating story. I’d like you to share.
Jennifer: I did. I ran into Perez Hilton in a garage. One of those moments you just never expect to happen. I had finished dinner with a girlfriend and we were driving out and I saw this tall, long, lean person and I say, “Who is that?” And she says, “I think that’s Perez Hilton.” I said, “No. I have to say something to him. I have to.” So I pulled up and we were sort of scoping each other out as I was pulling the car up. I just rolled down the window and I was like, “Hi.” And he went, “Hi.” We stood there like two deer in headlights. And I just said, “Come here. Just talk to me for a second.” It was one of those great moments. It was a lovely meeting and I was just like, “Why are you so mean?” There’s something really great about putting a human being in front of another human being and then the reality that those words, even if it’s for humor or effect or whatever, there’s a human being behind all of that…And he’s kept it up too which is good.
Ellen: Because of you.
Jennifer: I say good for him and keep it up.

Listen, despite all that stuff I said up top that, yes, is eerily accurate and let’s just say true, I don’t want to sit here and talk shit about a competitor who’s more successful than I am and blame them for my own inadequacies. That’s a wiener’s game. However, I’m not above pointing out how much better I would’ve handled the situation which I think we can all agree is a shitload:

JENNIFER: Hi.
ME: *ejaculates in own eye, drives off side of parking garage*

POW! PUT SEMEN ON THAT, BITCH. Oh, wait.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

superficial

  1. Perez Hilton doesn’t have The Most Important People On The Internet, so nobody gives a shit what he has to say.

    • eatme

      o god i can’t stand the perez hilton website. super not funny. just lame. he thinks he’s all edgy but his humour is super lame watered down drivel. no shit, chris crocker is better than that cunt.

    • Johnny Cage

      Wait…Perez Hilton is still alive?!!

  2. It’s one thing for kids in school to pick on other defenseless kids. That surely is bullying. But those who blog about celebs are doing society service, as some commentors do too–to call out the attention addicts in hollywood. Celebrities surround themselves with yes people when in reality they need to hear the other side of it. Example, Aniston, stfu you stupid moron.

  3. Sen

    Too many words in those other comments but Jen is HOT!

  4. Colin

    I still don’t get Jennifer Aniston. She’s so pretty, and always seems like a really kind and decent person, and yet I can’t shake this feeling that when the cameras are off she starts spitting acid or bites the heads off of men after sex like a praying mantis

    • Cock Dr

      Perhaps the problem is lower…..scratchy vaginia, cold vaginia, toothed vaginia, smelly vaginia, or even a lethal combination of all of these.
      Hope not. That would be bad. But it would explain a lot.

  5. When I first read the headline I thought it said “Jennifer Aniston Cursed Perez Hilton”. I like that story better, all the way around. Yeah, I’m writing it in my head right now, complete with Aniston, Courtney Cox and Chelsea Handler circling a bubbling pot and it’s a definite improvement.

  6. Jennifer Aniston is delusional thinking she got Perez hilton to be tamer .

    He had his moments long before meeting with her.

  7. ThatBitchFromTheGym

    Ohhhh please. Perez Hilton = no penis jokes = fail. Boooooring.

  8. Kimia

    You are so much more intelligent, funny and witty than Perez. The reason he is doing better than you is because he markets to herds sheep: clueless teenagers, unemployed single mom envying the famous and various people with mental problems who get a kick out of his shit jokes. His case is no different than Justine Bieber’s.

    He has toned down his antics but he is still dumb as hell and pretty much the only ‘issue’ he cares about is his own sexuality.

    In conclusion, you:2345677888, Perez: 0

  9. jojo

    Perez Hilton? i had forgotten he even existed. Damn you Aniston! Damn you to Hell!

  10. Richard McBeef

    The Superficial writer was splattering real cum drops across the pages of People magazine while Perez was still playing with dolls or whatever it is homosexual toddlers do.

  11. Minka Kelly's taint

    Can we talk about Jen’s ass and other side area? She look hot in dem jeans.

  12. herbiefrog

    haven’t seen anything by him for over a year… he’s still alive ?

  13. Mike Walker

    I thought she discovered a cure for AIDS.

  14. Jess

    She prepared him for preservation by salting and drying him? Ha! Geddit?? Because he fat like a pig.

    • S'up Bitches!

      Actually I think Mario Lamendavawhateverthefuck lost a lot of weight, but is still as ugly as week old road kill. I heard he also takes his shirt off every fourth of July, blinding many of his followers that do not have the proper eye protection, like a red hot spike.

  15. slappy magoo

    Looking forward to her new fragrance – Willfully Humorless, by Jennifer Aniston

  16. Upskrt Celebs

    I wanna clean her butt-hole with my tongue after she takes a shit

  17. Mortimer Duke

    Hmph. Thats interesting. She can cure Perez Hilton, but can seem to find a cure for her terminally ill career? Id say someones priorities are out of wack.

  18. DarkestSecret

    Is it me or does her mons pubis look delicous in those jeans???????

  19. Cardinal Fang

    Her vaginal area is one of the best looking in clothes.

  20. doodles

    There are a few reasons why Perez Hilton’s site is better than your’s Fish and I say this out of pure love for you.

    1. He doesn’t post constant pictures of bikini-clad women and write retarded jokes about his boner. They have a thing called porn, ya see. Much better than a still photo of Blake Lively, Minka Kelly and whoever else all looks the same now. Really, can anyone tells these ladies apart from their hair colour?
    So while I enjoy this site very much for your sarcastic, witty comments that do not always cater to Celebs, I peg you for a fat man that sits at home in his mother’s basement masturbating and crying away over these tarts.

    2. Nearly every single comment on his website is perez-bashing – so the people that read his site also hate him. Win win.

    3. He (his hires) updates a lot more. Even if it’s not shit I care about, it’s something to look at besides your obsession with women you couldn’t possibly ever get. Jesus man, get a hobby. Blog more, wank less.

    In conclusion, Fish is obviously jealous that he didn’t become some whiny infamous blogger who gets to be everybody else’s bitch whilst spending vast amounts of dough. I fucking hate Perez but I hate sexist pigs more.
    Flamers>sexist pigs any fucking day of the week. That’s why.
    I still love you Fish, but only for your words.

    • abe vigoda's eyebrows

      oh, and scribbling across people’s faces is genius?

      On Topic, I love Jennifer Aniston, always have.

      • doodles

        Wow you actually think I’m Perez. Ha, not by a long fucking shot. I doubt he even reads this site anyway. I have been a reader of both Perez and Superfish’s sites since 2005. So I think I can make an opinion – MY OPINION. You don’t have to like it.

    • s'up bitches

      Oh Perez, you had me there until you used the word “whilst”. Still trying to crawl up Madonna’s ass, I see. By the way, get some surgery on that excess skin. You look like a melted candle.

    • babooda

      At least Superfish always posts stuff about a wide variety of celebrities, not like Perez’ continuing obsessive posting of Glee, Lady CaCa, Justin Beiber and Zac Efron. Then there is the fact that Perez’ idea of witty is scribbling shit on pictures and butchering English words.
      And finally, three quarters of the shit he posts is 2 days to several weeks old and has already been debunked by half the other celebrity blog sites by the time he posts it.
      Perez Hilton is a 5 buck a bj street whore to Fish’s $500/hr escort, plain and simple……no comparison.

  21. Candy

    I prefer the superficial boobs!!!!

  22. boxer

    too bad she didn’t run him over in that parking garage when she had a chance.

  23. Mandy

    He has another site, called unratedperez or something like that, where he is equally mean as he was on his original site. He has not changed, he is not nicer. The only reason he went on Ellen and said he would be nicer is because he posted a lot about the gay teens in the US who killed themselves because of bullying. Pretty much everyone called him out and told him that he is a huge bully himself. He doesn’t care about being nicer, he’s just trying to clean up his horrible, horrible image.

  24. SlapKatyPerry

    Now she can cure my penis with her fridgid vagina

  25. INMATE 12236969

    I don’t care what anyone says this site is the SHIT man! Fuck Hilton and his pink site.
    Both of those dick suckers Jennifer Aniston and Piss-ass Hilton can kiss my ass; fuck them also if Piss-ass wants some real dick come on down to D-Block we got something for ya.

    Hell Piss-ass you’ll get so many dicks you’ll turn straight.

    No kidding this site is the best man; no shit!

    HOOAH! GARRYOWEN! from a Cavlary Trooper.

  26. Jennifer Anniston
    Commented on this photo:

    …and Perez just drew a penis into this shot.

  27. GravyLeg

    So she cured him WITHOUT discharging a Smith and Wesson .500 Magnum?
    I call bullshit. And did anything she say up there NOT equate to “ME, ME, ME, ME…”?

    • babooda

      If she didn’t kill him…..she didn’t cure him.
      He is still a pitifully ignorant piece of Lady CaCa’s excrement, with the IQ of a two year old amoeba. His obsessive ranting about certain celebrities and his imagined relationships with them, plus his constant whining about GAY PRIDE issues is completely annoying. No offense to the gay readers but he is just plain over the top in that area, more than likely he is a huge detriment to the cause. Also, he has the worst taste in music of any human being I have ever come in contact with. Most of the groups he raves about suck the big one times ten, including Lady “I never had an original idea I didn’t steal” GaGa , whom he calls his “Wifey” and that moronic little twit, Justin Beiber, whose fame will end with puberty and the resultant voice change.
      All in all, Perez Hilton is completely without any real worth, except as a punching bag for his site visitors, so I guess he at least has a purpose for being.

  28. Carl

    I believe she is a lesbian.

  29. Rhialto

    Well, well… What a delightful surprise…

  30. Nero

    What a nice shaped legs and hips ….

  31. Gando

    Good morning you all! Not all single women are ofcourse automatically lesbian. I think she just have a very particular taste in men…..

  32. bimbamboing

    She’d look very well maintained and preserved for her age….. Is that a ring around her finger?!

  33. one legged

    i almost went to cut him

    he should remember that anyone who can afford spyderco can afford to kill your ass if you talk bullshit

  34. bimbamboing

    There’re a whole lot cryptic language and gestures around …. But this mustn’t be ofcourse wrong understood ….

  35. Rhialto

    All those cryptic languages, gestures and misunderstanding have made me more careful… That’s really all.

  36. Uppity Tuppity

    MANISTON is a known hypocrite. Her bff Chelsea Handler is a major nasty piece of work who slams people she doesn’t know, including Angelina Jolie and MANISTON had her hand in that one. MANISTON uses her power to shut people up that she doesn’t like. I hope she drives over a cliff and takes the bff with her!

  37. wim

    she give people the idea of being a happy woman……………
    ………….BUT SHE EVEN WANT TO RAISE A MULE.
    (it would give her the feeliong of a mum)

  38. babooda

    BTW Fish: Nice picture, her pose is perfect…mouth open wide,hand up,fingers extended, ready to grasp the “equipment” as it is sucked into the mouth for servicing.
    There’s just a couple of things that would make it better…
    1) Nudity, a naked Jennifer would be a bigger turn on in that situation,
    2) Jen kneeling in front of the incoming “equipment” instead of standing!
    3) Naked “equipment” entering said hand and mouth, preferably mine!
    Otherwise, it’s a perfect image.

  39. Rhialto

    Instead of being 41 she does look somewhere in her mid thirties… You all have way too much imagination after all.

    • Nero

      All we’ve to blame is ourselves. It’s our awesomeness what did support them to develope their brain cell and imagination.

  40. Nero

    And that’s the way how we clear the road. Hehehehe

  41. Steelerchick

    Dear Superficial writer
    I think you are more successful then Perez Hilton.
    He is playing the weiner game. You do not.
    Sincerely,
    Superficial fan!!

  42. Sodomy_Is_For_Girls

    Long, long ago, I used to read all of the comments here and comment myself, quite a bit.
    There was a young man at that point; one who commented on here rather frequently.
    He went by “Perez Hilton”.
    There was another guy who commented a lot, he went by the handle “Big Jim”.
    Perez ran a lot of posts about specific commenters on this site.
    He did one in particular about teaching that particular towel-clad man how to open is anus and be ready for Prez’ violation. There was specific shit about hot tubs and whatnot.
    If search options exist on both sites, you can see it.
    He got his start on here, and I hate him.
    Please check what I said and respond?

  43. adt

    Perez Hilton is a useless piece of crap who copies and pastes shit from other websites and calls it his own.

    You win by far, Fish.

  44. Maniston sux

    HYPOCRITE MANISTON. She can’t take the criticism from Perez and yet she craves the nasty comments from her new bff Chelsea Handler. How about you apologize to Angelina and Brad for Handler’s nasty comments about their kids and calling her names??? Stupid ugly chin should just leave Hollyweird people are sick of your stupid lamearse movies and your horse mane and orange tan.

  45. vince

    JENIFER ANISTON AND PEREZ BOTH GAY

  46. Tina

    Jen fan hate Perez 1 but I hate Chinnifer Manfaceton 10. Jen is useless star, no talent, media stimulator, selfish and super ugly masculin body and masculin face

  47. kimberly

    Most Jenifer pictures photoshoped. Fake young and fake beauty. Look at her bare face without make up, dress up, she really look like 50 year old women like grandma

  48. anonymous love

    Jennifer Aniston or should I say the Afghan Hound,because that is what she looks like.One homely woman.The harpie has no talent besides,for this she gets millions of dollars?That is the ugliest chin I have ever seen on a woman.Her eyes are stuck together bordering on deformity.This is what they call beautiful?Somebody help us all.

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