Jennifer Aniston Cured Perez Hilton

By: The Superficial / February 3, 2011

Jennifer Aniston appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres show today where she revealed she’s the one who transformed Perez Hilton into a kinder, gentler blogger hirer of ghostwriters instructed to dangle from Lady GaGa’s veal drapes:

Ellen: We should talk about Perez Hilton because Perez Hilton was a guy who was doing some nasty things to a lot of celebrities. He was on our show and was talking about how it was going to change. When the bullying thing was happening and a lot of kids were committing suicide, he realized he was a bully. He told one of our producers that basically he started thinking about it because you confronted him about it. I think it’s a fascinating story. I’d like you to share.
Jennifer: I did. I ran into Perez Hilton in a garage. One of those moments you just never expect to happen. I had finished dinner with a girlfriend and we were driving out and I saw this tall, long, lean person and I say, “Who is that?” And she says, “I think that’s Perez Hilton.” I said, “No. I have to say something to him. I have to.” So I pulled up and we were sort of scoping each other out as I was pulling the car up. I just rolled down the window and I was like, “Hi.” And he went, “Hi.” We stood there like two deer in headlights. And I just said, “Come here. Just talk to me for a second.” It was one of those great moments. It was a lovely meeting and I was just like, “Why are you so mean?” There’s something really great about putting a human being in front of another human being and then the reality that those words, even if it’s for humor or effect or whatever, there’s a human being behind all of that…And he’s kept it up too which is good.
Ellen: Because of you.
Jennifer: I say good for him and keep it up.

Listen, despite all that stuff I said up top that, yes, is eerily accurate and let’s just say true, I don’t want to sit here and talk shit about a competitor who’s more successful than I am and blame them for my own inadequacies. That’s a wiener’s game. However, I’m not above pointing out how much better I would’ve handled the situation which I think we can all agree is a shitload:

JENNIFER: Hi.
ME: *ejaculates in own eye, drives off side of parking garage*

POW! PUT SEMEN ON THAT, BITCH. Oh, wait.

Photos: Pacific Coast News