Nickelodeon Hates Jennette McCurdy

While we’re on the topic of the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards thanks to Lea Michele’s nipples, former leaked photo lingerie person Jennette McCurdy pulled a no-show despite being nominated for Favorite TV Actress. An award that went to her co-star Ariana Grande probably because she wasn’t half-naked on the Internet which I’m going to assume is what Jennette’s rant is all about:

A lot of you guys are asking why I didn’t attend the KCAs…. I wish I could explain everything as thoroughly as I would like to, but unfortunately a simpler explanation is all I can write. I was put in an uncomfortable, compromising, unfair situation (many of you have guessed what it is) and I had to look out for me. I chose to not go because sticking up for what is right and what is fair is what my mom taught me is ALWAYS the most important thing. I want to thank those of you who have reached out with kind words of support, McCurdians and Arianators alike. No matter who or what you support, I believe in supporting fairness first. If you have done that, thank you.
My previous tweet has nothing to do with pics leaked.oh you guys lol
It has to do with how nickelodeon treated me. That’s all. Thanks for the love. <3

As for why I could possibly give a shit about any of this, let me see if I can put it in simple, depressingly honest terms: Imagine The Superficial’s SEO is my engorged penis. Now imagine the words “Jennette McCurdy leaked photos” are my soft, delicate, untarnished by manual labor hand that’s willing to do what very few women will without the exchange of currency. Is that making any sense? Because I also have an example using butt pee: Picture my SEO as an attractive woman’s butthole…