Jean-Claude Van Damme probably shouldn’t be allowed near women

November 22nd, 2008 // 56 Comments

Poor Sarah Ball over at Newsweek got stuck with the assignment to call Jean-Claude Van Damme and discuss his latest movie J.C.V.D. I say “poor” because what Sarah’s editors neglected to tell her is the man’s flipping Froot Loops and has a penchant for horribly-veiled innuendos. Just read:

There’s a monologue in the film about being a washed-up action star. Did you improvise that?
I like structure–like driving: go past the school on the street, stay on the right side, no hitting the car, go in right, you’ll see a big church, stop and take a left, and you’ll have it. By doing this I’m giving a structure of life, a path of light, and showing what happens between me and me, which is something very beautiful.
Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.
OK –
It was like being naked–I would love to be naked in front of you.
Well, I –
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.
So you ‘ ve no regrets at all?
Believe me–I’ve done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don’t regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?
Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?
I ‘ m 22.
Oh, f—. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?
I don ‘ t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?
Uh –
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

I should probably point out that Jean-Claude Van Damme is married. Whoops! Though to be fair he’s on his fifth marriage, and it’s the second go-round with this wife. She knew what she was getting into. (Herpes.)

[Ed. Note - 8/13/12: 1. I hate linking back to really old posts. Although, 2. How the hell was I supposed to compete with "I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am?" That's the most beautiful, poetic expression for getting a boner from a 22-year-old reporter whose not your wife humanity will ever see. - SW]

Photos: Splash News
superficial

  1. scott

    You people are ALL NUTS!! Yeah, he looks like a man that is 48 years old…but how many 48 year old guys have a rock hard hot bod like Van Damme!?? I’m sure most of you people of a similar age are fat, bald & dumpy! Can’t speak of his character though cause I’ve never met him.

  2. summer

    hey thnk he looks hot and love all of his moves espescally bloodsport and lon heart [keep on fghtng van damme]

  3. summer

    hey thnk he looks hot and love all of his moves espescally bloodsport and lon heart [keep on fghtng van damme]

  4. JC

    Hey, to all u negative people, which one of you is perfect? Just as I thought, not one of you. It’s easy to judge someone you don’t know, and do you always believe what you read. He still look good, age has been good to him. So he has had some issue but who hasn’t.

  5. Blitz

    I’ve always liked J.C.V.D And out of the MAJORITY of action stars he actually has true acting ability!

    Very true he is a womanizer but we all have our flaws! Now don’t we?

    He fell victim to drug abuse which didn’t help his acting career.

  6. KEITH ZAF

    WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COMEBACK FIGHT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TRAINING FOR.TO PROVE HE WASNT PAST IT.huh.

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