Jean-Claude Van Damme probably shouldn’t be allowed near women

November 22nd, 2008 // 56 Comments

Poor Sarah Ball over at Newsweek got stuck with the assignment to call Jean-Claude Van Damme and discuss his latest movie J.C.V.D. I say “poor” because what Sarah’s editors neglected to tell her is the man’s flipping Froot Loops and has a penchant for horribly-veiled innuendos. Just read:

There’s a monologue in the film about being a washed-up action star. Did you improvise that?
I like structure–like driving: go past the school on the street, stay on the right side, no hitting the car, go in right, you’ll see a big church, stop and take a left, and you’ll have it. By doing this I’m giving a structure of life, a path of light, and showing what happens between me and me, which is something very beautiful.
Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.
OK –
It was like being naked–I would love to be naked in front of you.
Well, I –
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.
So you ‘ ve no regrets at all?
Believe me–I’ve done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don’t regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?
Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?
I ‘ m 22.
Oh, f—. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?
I don ‘ t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?
Uh –
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

I should probably point out that Jean-Claude Van Damme is married. Whoops! Though to be fair he’s on his fifth marriage, and it’s the second go-round with this wife. She knew what she was getting into. (Herpes.)

[Ed. Note - 8/13/12: 1. I hate linking back to really old posts. Although, 2. How the hell was I supposed to compete with "I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am?" That's the most beautiful, poetic expression for getting a boner from a 22-year-old reporter whose not your wife humanity will ever see. - SW]

Photos: Splash News

  1. dork

    I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want to see the liquid cream of his hard seed. Scary!!

  2. erica

    “I would love to be naked in front of you.” Priceless.

  3. Luke

    now he can’t even hide his erections over the damn phone!

  4. gfgdg


  5. Rosha

    inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance


  6. Annonyononymouse

    “Are you 27 or 32??”

  7. The Observer

    “They thought I was being a crazy Frenchman.”


  8. This whole convo sound like an improvisation by superfish…

  9. Randal

    I can still hear the screams from the ladies when Jean-Claude Van Damme did the splits in his kitchen while watching Time Cop, one of his best performances on the big screen.

    Jean-Claude paved the way to the Oscars with his blood thirsty action and classic humor charm, both on and off the screen, which has kept him in the industry when other actors fall off the map.


  10. amused yet weary

    I once read about a film crew that was upset that he was always shouting “fuck us! fuck us!” until they realized he meant “focus! focus!”

    He shouldn’t even try to speak English. He should use a translator that’s good at filtering absolute fucking nonsense. Improvise? Holy shit he can’t improvise his interview — what a fucking disaster.

    And Newsweek gets what they deserve hiring 22 year old reporters. What kind of questions are those? She’s fucking slow and inexperienced too.

  11. Didnt chuck zito kick his ass?

  12. meee

    hahaha what the fuck?! creeeepy.

  13. Sheva

    gotta give the guy credit, took it as far as he could and had a great ride.
    maybe this jr. beyotch will be his next.

  14. he definately looks alot older now doesnt he?

  15. amy

    Make up can’t fix that. He looks like a old set of balls- click on my name

  16. Duke Nukem

    I can’t believe that was actually real. I had to click on the newsweek link to confirm. It’s amazing that someone that nuts can manage to get out of bed and tie his shoes every morning.

  17. What a fucking creeper. What is he, like 48? Sick.
    He looks so gross now too. He used to be mildly attractive when he was younger…Not anymore.

  18. wtf

    What the hell happened to him?!?!

  19. tiana

    He’s always been a nasty, disgusting, foul smelling, child molesting creep anyway. Same guy now, just older.

  20. diddy

    On this page you see pictures of a dude that has had cocks in his mouth.

    It’s called improvisation; no women available? No problem, pull down your pants and van damme will improvise.

  21. chilly

    I think online dating is really nice. I meet many nice people at the millionaire & celebrity dating club ^^^^^^MillionaireLoving. C O M^^^^^^. You can find your soul mate at this site. You have many chances to date with a millionaire there.

  22. Circe

    My fiance told me that a former co-worker had a similarly creepy encounter with JCVD at an airport terminal. While she was waiting for her flight, the “Muscles from Brussels” sat next to her and politely began chatting with her. While he seemed like a very nice guy, she could totally see some proposition coming. Only ten minutes into the conversation, he invited her to participate in a spit roasting excursion with him and one of his male companions. Not wishing to cause a scene, she politely declined and excused herself to the lady’s room and proceeded to wait in a stall until her flight was called. At the time, I questioned the validity of her story, but after reading this, I’m not too sure.

  23. General Tao

    I was so sure that the whole transcript was a product of Fish’ imagination, but sadly, it’s all true.

  24. johnny k

    He’s not bad at english. He has been erratic/silly minded ovr the past years.
    During interviews he talks like he had some kind of “elightened philosophy”.

    In france, people just laugh at him for that kind of “philosophy”. He has his own mind set, he tries to explain it with poor elements, and use english words when he can’t find the french one, then he sounds retarded.
    Too bad you can’t all understand french. Now the word “aware” is associated to him in there.

    Excerpt from interviews:
    - see this peanut? i can crush it in my bumcrack

  25. The Pope

    Say what you will, he does have nice shoulders still.

  26. Dozer

    And to think, when his career first started he said he’d be a bigger star than Arnold.

  27. cripwalker

    His face looks weathered by corrupt thoughts.

  28. AssBigot

    That bump in his forehead’s always disturbed me and now it looks even worse. A wrinkly old ball stuck in his head. What a sick man. He shouldn’t be allowed to talk to himself in front of the mirror. EVER.

  29. Rosa

    My friend recommended me a very interesting and HOT place ???INTERRACIALLOVING.COM??? where many fans are together, also I’ve meet kinds of black and white singles who are hunger for true love online.

  30. ummm...yeah

    Hahahaahahaha, what a fuckin waste hhahahhhhahaha..
    Randal…DROP DEAD.

  31. Bodylotion

    Van Damme is a hero!

  32. He is funny guy.

  33. Euwwwwwwwww, euwwwwwwwww, euwwwwwwwwwww, I want to run away and wash. I feel violated by him and aint no one violates the Dextrose.

    Dirty dirty man. Dirty Old man. I want to lock him in a room with lazy-eye Hilton and see who gets killed first: the snake or the mongoose.

  34. Evil

    What the fuck happened to his face?!?!


  36. Lexoka

    I would just like to emphasize the fact that, despite his comment about people thinking he was a “crazy Frenchman”, Van Damme is actually Belgian, not French.

  37. Rich

    J C V D- Jean Claude Venereal Disease

  38. B

    Maybe he and Paris could get together for some deep conversation…

  39. Prof

    Everyone keeps asking what happened, what happened to his face? Its called getting old the guys 48 damn it! Time Cop came out a looong time ago folks! He aged and guess what one day we all are going to look like this… well maybe not this fucking bad!

  40. EuroNeckPain

    He looks 55. And he sounds senile.

  41. Buff

    I believe I am now dumber just for having read that…

  42. buffy

    #37, he speaks french, the official language of Belgium.

  43. Nikky Raney

    I subscribe to Newsweek, so I will be very interested in reading this. Wonder if he’ll make the Shame meter?

  44. Bigo

    #38 LOL

  45. PettyPape

    gotmilk?, are you still out there? I am STILL laughing about your comment on the last JCVD post:
    “i love how he’s ramming his junk between the rails in the first two pictures. fucking gross man. ”

    Don’t know why, but it struck me as the funniest comment ever.

  46. dondraper

    Whats up with that large bump on his forehead?

    Is it a tumor?

  47. Whoa, creepy much? I can’t believe this is what he really said!

    Then again, I was surprised to see he’s even still alive.

  48. Morenike

    I must say.. that I remember watching an MTV Spring Break Clip show that featured an interview with JCVD where he kept saying how much he loved his wife. Later that night, some MTV VJs caught him in his limo with a co-ed doing “God knows what”!

  49. onlocash

    WTF is that big ass bump on his forehead
    yeah he looks drugged out and washed out
    He really beat himself up…
    Number 38 LMAO

    “I’d like to be naked in front of you” Oh wait not really naked naked…

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