Jay Z, Beyonce & Solange Are Sorry You Saw Their Illuminati Blood Feud

On Monday, the world got to take a peak through the cracked veneer of Beyonce’s obsessively curated life when a now-fired employee at The Standard Hotel sold surveillance video of Solange Knowles straight slapping the shit out of Jay Z on an elevator. Since then we’ve been treated to rumor after rumor followed by passive-aggressive Instagram subterfuge which seemed to suggest this was somehow all Rihanna’s fault. Except now the Carter-Knowles’ family has released an official statement in hopes that everyone will stop Googling if Beyonce is secretly Solange’s mom. TMZ reports:

“Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family.”
The statement continues, “The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false. At the end of the day families have problems and we’re no different.”
“We love each other and above all we are family. We’ve put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same.”

In related news, hey, remember that guy who used to tour with Jay Z? You know the one who knocked up that chick with the giant ass. You almost never hear from them anymore. I wonder what they’re up to.

“Are you seeing all this press? You know what we have to do, right?”
“Kourtney. It’s gotta be Kourtney. Don’t be siccin’ no Chewbacca on me.”
“You really want people to see you get your ass beat by my smallest sister?”
“Bitch, I want them to see me still be alive.”

Photos: Getty / Splash News