Jay Z, Beyonce & Solange Are Sorry You Saw Their Illuminati Blood Feud

May 16th, 2014 // 30 Comments
Elevator Fight?
Beyonce
What Elevator Fight? Read More »

On Monday, the world got to take a peak through the cracked veneer of Beyonce‘s obsessively curated life when a now-fired employee at The Standard Hotel sold surveillance video of Solange Knowles straight slapping the shit out of Jay Z on an elevator. Since then we’ve been treated to rumor after rumor followed by passive-aggressive Instagram subterfuge which seemed to suggest this was somehow all Rihanna‘s fault. Except now the Carter-Knowles’ family has released an official statement in hopes that everyone will stop Googling if Beyonce is secretly Solange’s mom. TMZ reports:

“Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family.”
The statement continues, “The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false. At the end of the day families have problems and we’re no different.”
“We love each other and above all we are family. We’ve put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same.”

In related news, hey, remember that guy who used to tour with Jay Z? You know the one who knocked up that chick with the giant ass. You almost never hear from them anymore. I wonder what they’re up to.

“Are you seeing all this press? You know what we have to do, right?”
“Kourtney. It’s gotta be Kourtney. Don’t be siccin’ no Chewbacca on me.”
“You really want people to see you get your ass beat by my smallest sister?”
“Bitch, I want them to see me still be alive.”

Photos: Getty / Splash News

superficial

  1. One side of my brain says it is a family matter and we should respect their privacy. The other side says its fun to goof on celebrities and the stupid things that happen to them. Guess which side wins?

  2. I used to think Rihanna was a narcissist. Sadly, it turns out that everything really is about her. My bad.

  3. Goose

    Do people really care about this? Curious if even readers of celebrity blogs care about it.

    I think I’d rather have another post about “Sandy Hook Truthers” whatever that is and wherever Fish heard about that? ThinkProgress or KOS maybe? Never heard of it before but I care more about those 6 people than I do about the other two people.

    There endeth the sermon.

    • I’m with you, I couldn’t care less about this overrated duo. In fact I think Beyonce minus the extensions and make up probably looks like Jay-Z

    • This ladies and gentlemen is the perfect example of trolling. Nowhere on the site today is there any mention of gun control or retarded Conservatism, yet Goose here is casting about to get some reaction or attention.

      From Wikipedia:
      “Trolling is a method of fishing where one or more fishing lines, baited with lures or bait fish, are drawn through the water..”

      • You’re right, RoboZombe, nowhere on the site today is there any mention of gun control or “retarded” Conservatism. Not even in Goose’s post. So, just what is up your retarded butt?
        Judging by 0bama’s relection, most of the “retards” in America aren’t conservatives.

      • Look up subtlety in the dictionary.
        Then, very subtlely shove it up your ass.

      • kafak

        If you want to play that game, let’s go ahead, welldoneson:

        Conservatives are too retarded to go out and vote, that’s how Obama won reelection, along with the fact that conservatives are seen as a dying breed, an anomaly, an embarrassment which should be hidden and downplayed. Why do breeds die? They don’t evolve and progress with the rest of the species/population – either because they are not fit to do so – they are less than, or they are too retarded to do so.

  4. Jon

    I found that to be a hilariously scripted press release.. if only the reality was as neat as those carefully put together words.

    • Hilariously scripted press release is right! Their PR people and lawyers must have written that to make sure there were no accusations or loose ends. Solange is a wild cat for sure and I seriously doubt we’ll ever know what really led up to this; there is already a lot of speculation.

  5. What disappoints me the most is that the footage didn’t include the cable snapping at the top floor and the elevator car bursting into flames halfway down.

  6. Now kids, I don’t know if you know this and you may not believe me when I tell you, but I promise it’s the truth. Back in my younger days, that Jay-Z fella used to be a heck of a rapper. I know it’s hard to imagine now, but I swear it’s true.

  7. Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
    Commented on this photo:

    Jay Z’s eyes in some of those pics! Crazy funny!

  8. There’s an easy way for this family to make this go away. They should get supervised DNA tests with the results made public. This would end the speculation and the population would quickly lose interest. It’s the morbid curiosity that keeps this alive.

  9. ♫ ♪ “We are family … I got my daughter, I mean sister, with me …” ♪ ♫

  10. So why did Beyonce just stand there and let it happen? HUH? RIDDLE ME THAT.

  11. They were debating whether to name Beyonce’s next kid either

    “Orangelo”

    or”

    “lemonjello”

  12. I really don’t give a damn about the bullshit PR statement. Is Jay-Z pressing charges or not? If not, then fuck him. He’s an idiot.

  13. Robb7

    Let’s not forget this is a family of gutter dogs — all of ‘em. The facade can only hold up so long. They were just damn lucky no audio was available!

  14. JungleRed

    He looks terrified.

    The most curious thing about that footage is that not only did Beyonce stand around doing nothing the whole time, she actually put Solange’s shoe back on at the end. How fucked is that?

    Now, I hate this guy. But I’m feeling sorry for him. It has to be said: Jay, you in danger, girl.

  15. Mama Pinkus

    i love their comment about them having problems in the family, “just like everyone else.” I’m pretty sure that kind of attack is not a family norm, even in families seething with anger.

  16. Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
    donkeylicks
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

    Mind you this was said pre-cheating.

  17. Jay Z Beyonce Solange Fight MET Gala
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    egads that man is HIDEOUS

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