Jared Leto’s Penis Is A Massive Roman Guard

In an interview with FrontiersLA, Alexis Arquette revealed that not only did she have sex with Jared Leto, but it was back when she was still Robert Arquette and that Jared’s dick apparently looks like a giant feathered helmet which can’t be healthy. One time, mine looked like Ant-Man’s mask and doctors only gave me four weeks to live. Which was odd because the modeling glue eventually wore off. Anyway…

JB: Tell me a secret!
AA: I had sex with Jared Leto back when I was presenting as a male. And, yes, it’s not only massive; it’s like a Praetorian Guard’s helmet.

And while you’d think one man describing another man’s penis as a fully decorated Roman soldier is about as homoerotic as it gets, here’s Tom Cruise taking the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge eight times shortly after the news broke which I’m sure was purely a coincidence. He’s probably just very concerned about MS or whatever frail human weakness this was for again. Just keeping bringing the buckets. He’s still thinking about helmets. Hard, turgid helmets… HURRY.

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