Jared Leto’s Penis Is A Massive Roman Guard

August 20th, 2014 // 13 Comments
Jared Leto Praetorian Guard Penis

In an interview with FrontiersLA, Alexis Arquette revealed that not only did she have sex with Jared Leto, but it was back when she was still Robert Arquette and that Jared’s dick apparently looks like a giant feathered helmet which can’t be healthy. One time, mine looked like Ant-Man‘s mask and doctors only gave me four weeks to live. Which was odd because the modeling glue eventually wore off. Anyway…

JB: Tell me a secret!
AA: I had sex with Jared Leto back when I was presenting as a male. And, yes, it’s not only massive; it’s like a Praetorian Guard’s helmet.

And while you’d think one man describing another man’s penis as a fully decorated Roman soldier is about as homoerotic as it gets, here’s Tom Cruise taking the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge eight times shortly after the news broke which I’m sure was purely a coincidence. He’s probably just very concerned about MS or whatever frail human weakness this was for again. Just keeping bringing the buckets. He’s still thinking about helmets. Hard, turgid helmets… HURRY.

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  1. Buckets and buckets pouring down on Tom Cruise is what Tom Cruise calls ‘Saturday’.

  2. Turning this Leto’s homosexual affair/penis description into a Tom Cruise’s diss…

    Now, if that’s not writing talent, I don’t know what is.

  3. MarkHamillsCareerCoach

    Here’s a tip. If you ever find yourself using the phrase “when I was presenting as a male” in a sentence, odds are pretty high that things are not going very well in your life.

  4. After reading that, I don’t know if Jared Leto had sex with a man, or had sex with a woman presenting as a man.

  5. I wonder if he tapped her brother Patricia too?

  6. CaptainFluffyBunny

    Tom Cruise Ice Bucket Challenge with 600% more boring

  7. I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck his dick looks like to be described as “a Praetorian Guard’s helmet.” I don’t know if I’m hoping she didn’t know what that helmet looks like or not. Tom will find out and then not share it because Xenu wouldn’t like that. Stupid Scientology bff’s.

  8. This guy makes douches look like vaginoplasties.

  9. Anita Berber's Addictions

    “Tom Cruise” and “bucket challenge” are two phrases I never want to hear in the same paragraph – no, not in the same week – ever again.

  10. When Tom Cruise isn’t doing his Scientology thing, I love him.

  11. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    A bucket for every inch he prefers up his behind.

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