Jared Fogle’s Not Getting Fat In Prison

“Oh Jesus! You’re naked under there!”
“Relax, sweetie. You’re what? A junior, senior in high school? Might as well be home knitting an afghan in my book.”

Last week, the god of schadenfreude gave us what seemed to be his most lavish possible gift by making Jared Fogle immediately pork up in prison, that is until Bill Cosby drugs and rapes Farrah Abraham and the Internet finally implodes in contortion of mixed emotions. But like the Hulkster’s fabled giant steaming mug of dong, it was all a lie. Fogle’s been working out regularly and for all we know, Hulk Hogan’s penis wouldn’t even graze the bottom of a Venti cup. I’m not long for this world, you guys. Via TMZ:

Fogle’s attorney, Ronald Elberger, tells us it’s all a lie … his client hasn’t gained a pound in prison … to the contrary he exercises regularly on the prison track.

He’s eating standard prison fare, including soups, burgers, beef stew, BBQ chicken and enchilada casserole. There are reports he’s scarfing down Honey Buns … Elberger says not true.

I don’t even know what enchilada casserole is, but it sounds goddamn delicious and not something a child rapist should get to enjoy. But I do love the idea that Fogle’s attorney took the time out from working on his appeal to clarify the awful media mudslinging that has people believing his pedophile client has been gorging on junk food.

“Tell me you’re getting me out of here, Elberger.”
“Soon, soon, but did you hear they’re calling you fat again? I won’t have it!”
“I’m being penetrated by three men right now. Can you not see through the glass? And Honey Buns! They don’t even Honey Buns! Aw, shit, they’re done. Here comes the punching. But, no, please, set the record straight on my weight first. That’s what’s important right now.”

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Photo: Getty

Tags: Jared Fogle