Jared Fogle Is Trying To Pick Up Chicks From Prison

Jared Fogle pleaded guilty to child porn possession and soliciting minors for sex and was ordered to pay restitution to 14 victims. These are facts proven in a court of law. Except if you read Jared’s letters to a woman he’s hoping will save herself for his dick over the next 15 years, he’s totally, super innocent. So if you could maybe put that pussy in a jar, that would be great. Or squeeze some kids out of it. He’d probably like that, too. In Touch reports:

Peppering it with childish smiley faces, multiple exclamation points and uncomfortable sexual innuendo, Jared writes, “It has been a very hard nine months for me. I made a couple of mistakes but nothing like the media reports have said. They are making me into some sort of monster which is absolutely not true.”
“I’m currently appealing my prison sentence and am hoping for the best with it,” he continues, claiming he simply got caught up in someone else’s crimes. “Bottom line, my director of my foundation and friend did some bad stuff and tried to throw me under the bus with him.”

Aww, man, this shit is hot.

In addition to trying to minimize his crimes in the letter, Jared shamelessly flirts and begs the woman to keep communicating telling her she looks “so hot!! (Just like I remember).”
“Your two pictures you sent me have just made me smile so, so, much!! Can you send me some more good ones?” Jared writes in the letter. “I need you in my life big time.”

Ladies, now would be the time to grab a change of panties because here’s where Jared goes in for the kill — by pissing all over the unfortunate woman who bore his children. SPLOOSH.

“I’ve thought about you over the years but had no way of contacting you. What is your email address? I have email access from here but I have to plug your email and phone number into the computer and then you accept it and we are good from there. [The email] is monitored,” he added, “but who cares? LOL.”

Remarkably, this woman chose not to concoct an elaborate plan to experience Jared’s cock in a prison laundry room, and instead, immediately sold the letter to In Touch because romance is dead. If a convicted child molester can’t use the written word to score some strange, then what hope is there for the rest of us? Why are we even here?

(I wanted this post to be dripping with douche. Did it work?)

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