The Subway Diet Made Jared Fogle A Pedophile Sex Addict? Wow

“Ha! The Subway Turkey Club makes me feel like a kid, too, Jared. Alright, folks, who’s ready for some racing?”
“No, I meant-“
*covers mic* “I heard you. Stop talking.”

So let’s just go ahead and file this one under LOLWUT. TMZ reports:

Jared Fogle’s attorneys are making a last ditch effort to minimize his prison sentence by suggesting his famous drop in weight led to his compulsion for sex with minors.
Fogle stoically walked into the courtroom, where his lawyers had a sexual behavior expert testify that Fogle had compulsive eating disorder — but his Subway weight loss took care of that. The expert added that once he lost the pounds he developed compulsive hypersexuality disorder.

In case you’re not 100% crystal clear on what just happened, Jared Fogle’s lawyers are literally trying to say that the Subway Diet made him go on a decade-long child-raping spree. Or developed a slight case of “weak pedophilia,” as the paid expert impersonating a human being called it, which everyone now knows comes free with every Italian BMT, and just made all those millions Subway paid Jared while allegedly looking the other way worth every penny.

Subway: Eat Fresh! (Disclaimer: And Then Want To Have Sex With Kids)

$5 Footlongs! (FDA Warning: May cause pedophilia.)

Subway – No Life Coach Required (Legal Notice: Unless you’ve eaten one of our sandwiches. In which case, you are definitely going to need a life coach because you’re already at a teeball game right now realizing you don’t have any kids. And are naked.)

NOTE: The Indianapolis Star has live updates from the sentencing hearing, which is exactly the shit show this post suggests it is and more.

UPDATE: And Jared Fogle just got 15 yearsin prison. Three more than the initial maximum sentence he could’ve received, which I like to believe was tacked on specifically because of the sandwich defense. “Your brazen attempt to cast blame upon the Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki for your molestation of children is too damn high!” *bangs gavel*

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Tags: Jared Fogle