James Franco Says Lindsay Lohan Keeps Failing At Life Because She Gets Book Deals. Why Not?

If you’re like me, you just assume Lindsay Lohan’s drug and alcohol problems can be traced back to being raised/exploited by a pack of shitbags who’d sell one of her tampons if it gained them a buck. Turns out James Franco has a different theory which he shared with MTV News while promoting the R.E.M. video starring Lindsay (above):

MTV: It seems like every few months there’s a setback for her.
Franco: I haven’t talked to her in a long time because it seemed like she was getting into some more trouble. I’ve tried to help her. I think one of the reasons it’s so hard is when she gets in trouble, she gets all this attention and I’m sure she gets book offers. Like she goes to jail, and instead of feeling like I really hit a low place, she’ll get a crazy offer for her jail memoir.

Keep in mind, Lindsay Lohan has written exactly zero books (Pocketing advances? I can see it.), but just in case it’s not perfectly clear that James Franco and everyone involved with this project is high off their face, here’s how she even ended up in the video. Fart-sniffing, HOOOOOO!!!

I had been writing some poems about the Chateau Marmont and one or two of the poems involved Lindsay. I said to [photographer] Terry [Richardson], ‘I have this text, and it would be great to have some images to go with it. We should do a project where you use the images you shot of me at the Chateau and images you shot of Lindsay at the Chateau and put them together with this text.’ And he said, ‘Yeah that’s cool, but let’s do one more shoot with you guys together.’ So I said, ‘All right,’ and we had planned it for the night before the Oscars.
That night before the Oscars we did a final run through of the show and I was just so depressed because I knew it was not good. So I told Terry, look I can’t do the shoot tonight, I’m tired, and I just can’t do the shoot with Lindsay. But she was already there at the Chateau! So he shot her, but I wasn’t actually there, I’ve known Lindsay for a while. It was at a moment where it seemed like she was doing OK. We’d have conversations on the phone, and she seemed like she was doing OK.

So James Franco was writing poems about Terry Richardson’s coke den when he made a conscious decision to hire Lindsay Lohan because she seemed sober over the phone? Clearly we’re dealing with a man who has keen insight far beyond us mere plebeians. “Well, you see, I was writing a poem about the wind the other day, and that’s when I realized, wait, if kites can harness this strange force for flight, then surely I can with my mind. My magic, magic mind. To the belltower!”