Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon getting cozy

September 25th, 2007 // 53 Comments
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Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon’s recent behavior is fueling rumors of their alleged romance. The two were spotted getting cozy by the fireplace at a party at Carrie Fisher’s house. Carrie was toasting singer Rufus Wainwright who performed at the Hollywood Bowl over the weekend. E! Online reports:

“Jake and Reese were sitting by the fire all night, talking,” a fellow party guest tells me. “Everyone was talking, laughing and celebrating Rufus, but they were deep, deep in conversation. It was like there was no one else in the world.”

So, this is some really boring news. I’m almost in a coma, it’s that dull. Time to switch things up a bit: How about that Halo 3? I stayed up late playing it last night, and, according to the police officer who drove me home this morning, I may have been a tad bit intoxicated. He told me not to worry. The monkey will pull through and those nuns needed to be taken down a peg or two. That’s all well and good, but here’s my dilemma: It looks like I vomited directly into the Xbox. I pretty much opened up the CD tray and unleashed the fury. Is that covered by the warranty?

NOTE: If you wanted me to keep talking about Jake and Reese, you must be suffering from insomnia. Try taking some Tylenol PM – with whiskey. Just like mom used to make.

superficial

  1. hill

    FRIST? Anywho, who gives a crap. I’m just happy that my boyfriend will no longer be crushing on Reese seeing as how she’s with a brokeback mountain boy. Hoooo ray

  2. I have insomnia…no whiskey though

  3. freakwad

    what’s a frist?

  4. jakebarnes

    Wasn’t he gay, like, a few weeks ago?

  5. veggi

    no. That was Ted from LA and I

  6. Oops, I crapped my pants!

    My mom made a mean whiskey and Tylenol. I remember her saying to me “Oops, I crapped my pants, have a glass of shut the fuck up!” God damn that was one effective drink.

  7. I don’t read the first 5 comments of any entry because they’re all stupid FRISTS. Anyhow, I do like Reese and don’t care much of who she wants to date.

  8. What’s a FRIST!!!???

    You must be new here…..

  9. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    Is there a new post? Wake me when there is
    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  10. Bartface

    is that really reece withersaway? my grandma has perkier breasts than those and they’ve been through hell! and that flabby stomach? again, my gran has a more tanned stomach and she hasn’t seen sun since 1967….

    wait a second! gran?

  11. hegadeth

    More annoying giant sunglasses. Christ they’re everywhere. Grrrrr.

  12. holy christ. way to start the day with a non-story. should be on the whogivesashit blog.

  13. @10 Bartface – that is pretty scary that you notice how perky your grandmas tits are. How about her ass? Does she have a nice firm ass too?

  14. El Sueno

    She runs like a girl.

  15. @14 Jimbo

    Thats how we roll down here in the south! Nascar not on this weekend?

    “Grandma?!!”

  16. havoc

    Yeah, just wait until she catches him in a tent with another cowboy…..again.

    Fur will fly bitch!

    .

  17. jake,

    we are finished! don’t ever call me again, you dog!

    drop dead, jake!

    ryan starr

  18. Zing!

    Reese has a penis? Who know.

  19. lambman

    so now we’re in the fabricate a romance to promote our new movie stage or the relationship. I’m sure their first official outing as a couple will be the films premier and then they will break-up the week the DVD is release.

    Just like Jennifer Maniston and Vince Vomit

  20. supes

    18: I knew. Look at that jaw and chin. She’s a frucking man. And she’s hideous.

  21. Cal

    You know what’s a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM’s and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that’s the best part about the game.

  22. So… this site sucks now. And sadly, I keep coming back for more. Why, do you ask? Well, it’s because I’d rather be on some shi*y site then actually be doing office work…. On another note, Jake is cute, too bad he’s gay.

    So where’s that whiskey…

  23. @15 Get a life you fucking troll

  24. wedgeone

    Thin lips? Check. Flabby stomach? Check.

    Yep, it’s mom. Not a MILF, just mom. No wonder she has to turn to a closeted dude desperate for a beard.

  25. PrettyBaby

    Yeah, this shit is boring. If I were Screeching Reese I woulda probably shied away from the Fag and cozied up with Joaquin Phoenix instead…. wtf?! Real lapse in judgement there. I betcha Joaquin could fuck the screech outta her.

  26. combustion8

    sure jake will cozy up, until the kids show up.. then it’s see ya later mom.

  27. Cindy

    Run all you want, mom. You’ll never catch up to the perky boobs and flat stomach you used to have. Stick a fork in her – this chick is done.

  28. Oops, I crapped my pants!

    OK I found the deep deep conversation they were having.

    Captain Hero: Don’t make me kick your ass!
    Wooldoor Sockbat: Don’t make me suck your dick!
    Captain Hero: Don’t make me cuddle you like a baby!
    Wooldoor Sockbat: Don’t make me suck your dick!

    Just replace Reece with Captain Hero, and Jake with Wooldoor Sockbat. It works perfectly.

  29. LadyJane

    I hear Reese’s vagina has thousands of tiny little teeth in it.

  30. Ted from LA

    #5 Veggi,
    Are you trying to infer or imply that I am gay? Grammar police, is he/she implying or inferring that? Because I am not, but I do feel gays should be allowed to get married and be as miserable as the rest of us.

  31. WooHoo

    @17: ryan you’re a hottie!!! : )

  32. alex cutter

    Two months ago called…

  33. veggi

    Ted from LA! No. I know you like the ladies. Are you calling me a he/she? Cause I believe that hermaphodites should be allowed to get married and be as miserable as the rest of us.

  34. Riotboy

    OVERRATED!

    /did not deserve an Oscar
    //Kate Winslet is the best actress of our generation
    ///Heavenly Creatures is my favorite KW movie

  35. freakwad

    @8: yes, i’m new here. :]

    must be an inside joke. like, “an hero.”

  36. Katie

    Just because Reese WItherspoon is a decent human being doesn’t make her boring, for christ sakes. All anyone wants to hear about is Linsay’s fire-crotch and Britney’s coke sniffing habits.

  37. lapluie

    #35 Frist is “first” as a typo.

  38. gerard Vandenberg

    People don’t say I didn’t warn you. And the reason we see onthis picture. I really wonder sometimes what kind of action a girl must do to be part of the CREW? I think she fucked about fourty producers and playing Lesbian friends with another “WEIRD” girl. That other WEIRDO is christina aguilera. These and other girls too are a BIG MOTHERFUCKING SHAME to the honest Americans!!

  39. jrzmommy

    So why post pictures of Chin Girl……..how bout a little suh’um suh’um for the ladies…..Can’t a sistah get a little Jake, Mr. Fish? DAMN!

  40. emily a

    i thought jake was a fudgepacker?

  41. I’m FRIST!!!

    I’m going to Jimbo’s site now. Bye!!!

  42. Ted from LA

    Where is the metal detector?

  43. Italian Stallion

    Why she keep dating these fucking tossers?

  44. DIEGO

    She needs a longer shirt.

    ….Or a bit less fat.
    I’m flexible, see.

  45. Poodoo

    I do have insomnea… and I do wish I had whiskey… and I oddly enough DO want to hear more lol.

  46. @-@

    The best thing about this story is the mention of Rufus Wainwright. He is worth hearing about.

  47. tommy salami

    who cares she is a total bitch to work for…..( i know) she must be total cunt in a relationship

  48. Paris

    #29,

    Those are warts. I should know, she acquired them from me.

  49. bella420

    @1- Show your boyfriend picture #2 and if he is still “crushing” on this hag you both need to go kill yourselves. Immediately.

    @11- Giant sunglasses are everwhere because they look good on even the ugliest people. Unlike the 2003 era “Oakleys” that are probably sitting atop your empty head. You have no style, and do not matter.

    @17- Really? I thought only attention-starved 16 year old girls posted links to their myspace page.

    @19- Guess what? The superficial does not want your resume and never will. So you can stop trying so hard, please…its making my head hurt. That’s because I’m allergic to stupid.

    @27- Congratulations on having the only comment that was worth the typing you did.

    @38- I want to hammer punch you. Super Mario brothers style.

    Sorry, but I read almost every comment on this thread, desperate for something funny and the monotonous, trite stupidity I found only filled me with hatred. Don’t worry I feel better now.

  50. Jackson Wallace

    Jake, I respected you.

    You seemed discreet, the kind of guy who would follow George Çlooney’s lead and screw a gaggle of nobodies across many continents. Why go for a starlet?
    And one with kids no less? Jake G could sit around waiting for girls to turn 18,
    and bang a new one each week for a week. Of course, the holder of the all-time fame-waster award is Ashton Kutcher. That guy had coeds wearing t-shirts saying they had facked him when they hadnt. Did he take advantage of this incredible opportunity? No, he bangs Demi Mommy Moore, and stays with her. ICCCk.
    Jake, snap out of it. Reese is younger than Demi, but a no-lipped midget.
    Yeah, I’m sure this is just a temporary rumor, really.

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