Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman are dating

June 1st, 2006 // 387 Comments

  1. gogoboots

    Oh they are so cute, I wanna pinch both their cheeks…butt cheeks that is…

    Nat’s sweater is WAYYY too big…otherwise she looks like a pixie!

  2. Ari

    I would make some remark about how teeny she is compared to him… but in my case, that would just be stupid. She’s probably taller than I am.

  3. Fa Cube Itches

    Charlaurz: I wouldn’t worry too much about Natalie. He frequents a bar near my place, if they come in together, I’ll “Tonya Harding” her for ya. Just provide me with a good alibi.

  4. ScriptRadar

    Methinks Natalie has acute acute angina.

  5. Fa Cube Itches

    50: yeah, he even managed to convince a lot of the guys he sleeps with.

    52: the water rocket principle strikes again! *foosh*

  6. eva86

    55 including yourself

  7. Fa Cube Itches

    56: well, I was young, drunk, and in love. *shrug* ‘Least I tagged him and don’t have to candle-bash and dream.

  8. 48

    Great, just what I need–another squalling brat to take care of. I’ll be expecting child support! Those EBT food stamps only cover my liquor.

  9. Binky

    In that first picture he’s either got a Blackberry in his pocket – or he’s just spotted the newly cleaned-up K-Fed.

  10. Fa Cube Itches

    58: Well, given my height, he’ll be an NBA star, so just put the Hummer on layaway. :)

  11. eva86

    “thanks for the memories, Jake.”

    I like you “Fa Cube Itches and fuck you bitches, too

  12. Italian Stallion

    @59 Don’t make fun of black Berry, it’s not his fault he’s black…….

  13. herbiefrog

    NATALIE PORTMAN WAS BORN on her mother Shelley’s birthday

  14. BarbadoSlim

    Is nice to see these two fellas dating.

    Good for Jake, he finally came out dang it!

  15. Spacedog

    Yeah, I wanted to give Jake the benefit of the doubt until I heard he didn’t want Heath to use lube.

  16. eva86

    perhaps she likes “metro men”.

    Her last boyfriend, Gael Garcia Bernal played a homosexual in *Bad Education, “La Mala Educacion”, he’s not gay either

  17. Italian Stallion

    If I was him, I would treat Natalie like I treat my cousin. Fuck her brains out and make sure she doesn’t tell ANYONE……….

  18. Natalie,
    Here are some tulips for your piano. Can I have your two lips on my organ?

  19. It’s not considered a date when you both go out for a mani-pedi together. Jake – aka “Toothy Tile” to Ted Casablancas – supposedly makes Tom Cruise look straight AND sane. As for Natalie, first Moby, now Gyllenhall – methinks she may be the most famous fag hag since Liz Taylor, or perhaps a carpetmunching munchkin herself.

  20. alaskanchicsickle

    67 You naughty beast ;)

    Someone needs to send Jake some White Strips

  21. jackspratling

    Re. Number 46.

    Since the default identity for commentators on the Superficial is a fat gay man (with or without a feminine log-in), while you may have deluded visions of dating and fucking Gyllenhall like all the rest of the posters on this board, you better hope he decides to move to Boston or Canada.

    Personally, I hate Natalie Portman with a passion because she won’t sleep with me– and the fact that my wife won’t eat any lean, which would complicate the Natalie Portman wrinkle.


    Okay, here’s the thing. People are always comparing women by how they look, and everyone knows that’s not what matters.

    Here’s the deal: Dunst, while not a feast for the eyes seems a bit more liberal, meaning you get her in the sack and she’ll show you a good time. Portman on the other hand is quite the pretty, but she’s too cerebral. You put her in your bed she’s gonna be thinking about how she feels, you feel, does she still look pretty, how she smells, she’s gonna be tense the whole time and suck.

    What I’m trying to say is what matters is the sexin’. If you put her in bed and she does her duty. Then she’s a keeper. If not, I don’t care how cute she is, it isn’t worth it.

    You can have all the pretty in the world, but if you’re a lousy lay nobody wants you.

    I think that might be Halle Berry’s problem.

  23. Ari

    #72.. umm.. duty?

  24. TOPAZ21

    oshkoshb-goshdammgosh: you need to learn how to read.
    i didn’t say i like it in the ass, i asked a question.
    about hating english, i can bet you that i have read more then you are your whole family combined.
    also, i speak 3 other languages. take that you rat bastard.

  25. Iambananas

    They’re perfect. I think he bats for the other side and she looks like a little boy.

    Was that superficial enough?

  26. Evangelia

    why the hostility topaz?
    bananaman, that may be the first funny comment you have ever made. of course, i’m biased because i hate that stupid bitch natalie with a raving passion.

  27. Ari

    Sheva, #5 (how’d I miss this one?)

    Speaking of ‘smurf’.. I’m 5’1″. Does that make me a substitute for little-boy lovin’?

  28. 74

    We’ve already gone through the whole “speak other languages” bit yesterday with Goatsucker. The language translator was a blast.

  29. M@ce

    ” i can bet you that i have read more then you are your whole family combined. also, i speak 3 other languages”

    ‘A’,'B’, and ‘C’ aren’t languages, they are letters, and you can’t even use those in recognizable combinations in the English language. So, that would make you illiterate in how many languages; or don’t you know numbers either?

  30. Fa Cube Itches

    77: If you were just a hair shorter, I’d be nuts over you!! ;)

  31. Ari

    Speaking of ‘hair shorter,’ how’s that high & tight workin’ for you?

    Or, I guess the real question is, how can it work for me?

    I’m still trying to figure out what B4USUCKMEDRY meant by a woman “doing her duty” in the sack. What fucking year is this?

  32. suzy

    i think they’re cute together…

    um… what’s better than 2 dorky people together?? maybe their relationship with work

  33. Pearly

    How perfect they are for each other….ugly ugly ugly!!

  34. Fa Cube Itches

    Ari: working quite well, thank you. I’ll be happy to give you a demonstration. :)

    I suppose B4 likes his women to “lie back and think of England”.

  35. sissybelle

    I always thought they were both kinda cute — Awwwwww ….

  36. Ari

    84- How dull. Why bother then?

  37. Ari

    Just to clarify– I find the concept of lying still and merely enduring sex dull, not Fa Cube’s demonstration. I rather doubt I’d find that dull at all.


    Actually B4 is a girl.

    And quite good in the sack.

    I say ‘duty’ just for the amusement.

  39. 88

    Now go put your bonnet on.

  40. Pagan Queen

    Heloooooooooooo Superfish!

    Fa and Ari – you 2 being good…well not that kinda good, behaving kinda good

    Feed_me – whats up gurlie? I want to tell you I think you totally rock. You are young, bought a house in a stupidly expensive area, crazy about your husband and your child. That is what life is about :)

    Whimpy – BOO

  41. Fa Cube Itches

    Hiya Pagan. :)

  42. Pagan Queen


    I think the God Loki was with me today. I pulled up the ‘fish and saw this cute guy in a suit, then I scrolled and saw it was K-Fed! So, now I have had to book myself into a psychiatric hospital because I just cant deal with what I thought. the pain, the pain

    I think Jake and Natalie make a really cute couple. Look at them laughing, you know they stuffed the wiater for the check!

  43. Pagan Queen! (or should I call you “Poo Poo Queen”-ha!) Good to see you. Thanks for the endorsement, but don’t worry about it, goatsucker means nothing to me.

  44. WD-40

    that forehead has some serious ad space.

  45. Pagan Queen


    I notice a distinct absence of whimpy today – but the other personality is on. I can handle that one better, he has been really funny a time or 2.

    So – still at work? It was long again today. I will be on a business trip heading out Tuesday AM, so tomorrow and Monday will be ill with all kindsa last minute stuff.

  46. Ari

    Pagan, Fa and I are getting along just fine together. He’s helping me with my headache. Such a nice guy. ;)

    Loki–that twerp. Always causes trouble when he shows up.

  47. Pagan Queen


    Like I posted on Anna’s sad news: beware of men with asprins and the like. They expect favors when you feel better! LOL

  48. Ari


    “Take two and make me breakfast in the morning?”

  49. Pagan Queen


    Hey, if they are hungry they can hit a Micky D’s on their way home. badda boom! LOL

    Well – gotta run. Gotta get my little one to sports.

  50. Moriarty

    I totally don’t agree with any of you.

    He’s cool, she’s cool. Lovely couple. Maybe you are all saturated by that terrible non-consequentail media you have over there.


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