Jaden Smith Was A ‘For Real Vampire,’ He Got Better Though

It’s been a while since we’ve checked in on Jaden Smith who surprisingly hasn’t started that religious following yet or formed a team of existential crime-fighting graffiti artists, so I wondered what happened because he could’ve totally done that stuff. He can control time with his mind, you guys. The world is his metaphysical oyster wrapped in a quantum enigma that can only be solved through the designing of jeans with only leg. Via Celebitchy:

“During a period of my life, I was Gothic… I was only wearing black and I was hiding from the sun because I was a vampire. I was a vampire, for real. I could not expose myself to the sun and I was only wearing black trench coats. Now I’m not a vampire, I’m out of this phase… I open myself up to wear more colorful things, to go out in daylight. I share much more mixed energy.”

Oh, he became a vampire. Well, there’s your problem right there. Did he at least bite his parents’ necks for bringing him into the world then telling him and his sister that they’re intergalactic ninja physicists? Or was he one of those vegan vampires that doesn’t believe in teeth? Because that wasn’t a phase. You were watching a movie, jackass. It’s called Twilight, and it’s terrible.

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