Jaden Smith Is Starting A Cult Now

“Yes, coconut water, we’re going to kill them all but I need them to love me first.”

The last time we heard from Jaden Smith he was reinventing himself as some sort of shitty-art-making ninja and it seems like he started by writing essays which include “new takes on string theory and chaos theory, but more mystical,” so strap on the hip waders, because bullshit river’s rising fast and hard. Via Us Weekly:

“Jaden thinks he has spiritual ties to people in other dimensions and galaxies, and they are helping him write.”

Okay, I can respect that. Who among us hasn’t felt the celestial urging of star-beings when we tweet stuff like “MOST TREES ARE BLUE” or “LATELY PEOPLE CALL ME SCOOP LIFE.” I mean, that’s all just a part of being a normal human being. But this next part is where it gets a little weird:

The crystal-healing enthusiast also believes his work could have a widespread impact. Adds the insider, “He hopes to have a spiritual following when he releases these.”

Well, maybe I jumped the gun on this one. Everyone knows crystals are full of magic — that’s just science, and with the ability to reach billions via the Internet, a widespread impact is well within Jaden’s grasp. Fuck it, you guys. I’m joining up. Do I need to get a robe, or shave off my body hair or something? Give me a push here, Jaden the Wise, where do I begin?

You guys all read that as “masturbate in the mirror” right? I don’t want to look foolish here.

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