Jack Nicholson Reportedly Retired From Acting

September 4th, 2013 // 18 Comments
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“Yay, more pussy for me.”
“Not on your life…”

Jack Nicholson has openly admitted to doing mountains of cocaine over the years, so I’m willing to accept the possibility that he suffers from memory loss to the point that it’s affected his acting, and that his new mission in life is to be Sean Connery. Which is a.) boss and b.) an entirely plausible scenario for Jack Nicholson. Radar reports:

Jack has — without fanfare — retired,” a well-placed Hollywood film insider confirmed to Radar.
“There is a simple reason behind his decision — it’s memory loss. Quite frankly, at 76, Jack has memory issues and can no longer remember the lines being asked of him.
“His memory isn’t what it used to be.”

“He’s not retiring from public life, at all. He just doesn’t want a tribute,” added the insider. “He’s happy to tacitly join the retirees club like Sean Connery.”

The good news is that Jack Nicholson will still show up to award shows and do amazing curmudgeon shit like randomly inserting himself into the photo shoot for Argo‘s Oscar win and reacting to Jennifer Lawrence‘s breasts in the most awestruck way any man has ever reacted to breasts since Adam went, “Yeah, yeah, don’t eat fruit. Let’s talk about these. How do I touch these?”

Jack Nicholson Jennifer Lawrence

What makes this even more amazing is now we know when Jack Nicholson sees a pair of breasts it’s like the first time every time. I want memory loss.

Photos: Getty


  1. EricLR

    Don’t worry. By tomorrow he will have forgotten he retired.

  2. Jack Nicholson
    Martin BeckTheFirst
    Commented on this photo:

    yea well who is going to stop him ? Jack feels that his image can only enhance a photo graph . And staring at breasts , well come on every one likes breasts . jack is an actor first and a human never . Not that there is any thing wrong with that . He is very wealthy and that gives any one license to do what ever . Come money talks and bullshit walks
    Yours druly
    Martin BeckTheFirst

  3. Hugh Jass

    I wonder if Teen Mom has any idea who Jack Nicholson is.

    • Martin BeckTheFirst

      I wonder if teen Mom knows what fucking planet she is on . Why is it cool to be born out of wedlock ? Now we have yet another ” teen Mom ” to feed Fuck Me !

  4. Smapdi

    Okay, Jack, but to be honest I’m more upset about Connery retiring. But, no worries, at least we have major, exciting talent in the newest generation of male lead actors, like . . . uhm . . . maybe that one guy, but not really . . . ?

  5. Jack Nicholson
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Ben Affleck is such a fucking douche

  6. Jack Nicholson only acted in Hoffa. In every other role he just acted liek Jack Nicholson.

  7. bobthebob

    He’s forgotten about more women that he has slept with than I will ever sleep with

  8. Blue Shirt Special

    He’s a badass and always will be. And had the common sense and dignity to retire while still having a positive image. Maybe Harrison Ford should learn from this instead looking more and more like a confused angry old fart acting in terrible movies.

    • Common sense and dignity, my ass. If he had an iota of that he’d have hung it up years ago, instead of being massively self-indulgent and taking up space on the screen for the past 10 years or more. And as for Ford choosing terrible movies over Nicholson’s “positive image”, here’s two words for ya: Mars Attacks.

    • crb

      Without George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Lawrence Kasdan to save his a**, Harrison Ford hasn’t done anything worth a damn since “Indiana Jones On a 747″, -I mean, “Air Force One”.

      -And he’s been a self-righteous grumpy old fart his whole life. Being a petulant dickhead to Lucas about his auditions is what got him the role as Solo in the first place.

      There are a few stars who were in good movies I’d never even want to meet in real life. Ford is definitely on that list, along with Willis.

  9. JungleRed

    Did he have to also retire the whitening toothpaste?

  10. jack has officially denied this report and says hes currently reading through a stack of scripts as usual.

  11. Jacks mouth looks like a stack of butter.

  12. kery

    jikes His tooth needs some whithening pronto ;P

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