J.J. Abrams Is Directing ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’

January 24th, 2013 // 20 Comments
JJ Abrams

“HRRRMMM. LERNNS FLERRR?”

So remember when I said Matthew Vaughn is directing Star Wars: Episode VII? Forget all that because it’s J.J. Abrams. J.J. Abrams is directing Star Wars on top of Star Trek which has to be the nerd equivalent of letting a Gobot fuck a Transformer. The Wrap reports:

The lure of the Jedi was too strong, and it will no doubt complicate his relationship with Paramount, where Bad Robot is a top supplier. Abrams has been feverishly working on “Star Trek Into Darkness,” his second Star Trek film since he rebooted the franchise in 2009. “Into Darkness,” still in post-production, opens May 18.
Though he has several producing jobs in front of him, Abrams had been uncommitted as a director. He will have to jump right into “Star Wars,” which Disney has slated for a 2015 release. “Little Miss Sunshine” screenwriter Michael Arndt is penning the script.

Here’s where it gets even weirder. Disney’s #2 choice? Ben Affleck. And considering he only directs movies he stars in, that means we’ve all been denied a Jedi who tells people the Dark Side is a wickid pissah which proves George Lucas feeds on my tears. Case in point: Somewhere in the past, Joseph Gordon-Levitt just shot Jon Hamm and Peter Dinklage with a shotgun after they landed on a tarp. “Casting quality actors in a Star Wars movie. Not on my watch! WADDLE-WADDLE-WADDLE-WADDLE.” (If that’s not the sound George Lucas shaking his neck makes, I don’t want to live in this world.)

Photo: Getty

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  1. Chinaman

    This the Star War where Xenu get raped by Chewbacca?

  2. JJ Cool J

    Hollywood is officially out of ideas both in front of, and behind the cameras…he should just use the same cast from Star Trek and follow in Christopher Nolan’s footsteps and get it over with.

  3. zomgbie

    obviously they didnt offer lindsay enough money for her to seriously consider headlining their movie.

  4. Karma's Bastard Child

    I appreciate what JJ did for Star Trek. Namely, saving it from oblivion. But that’s not to say the new movie wasn’t shallow. Star Wars needs a director/producer who aims for more depth. Considering the work Affleck does lately – dare I say – he might have been better. Just keep him away from acting.

  5. I bet we get Chew-jarjar and Spock-Solo doing the Kessal run to Romulus on the Millenniumprise. There they will meet up with Kirk Skywalker as they head out to foil Data the Hutt’s plan to destroy Aldaran because the probe didn’t find any whales. It will also begin and end with an explosion.

  6. I hope he does a better job than he did on that last ST. The story lined sucked in that thing.

  7. DeucePickle

    HA!…..Gobots

  8. “Star Wars: The Next Generation”

  9. jen

    is it just me, or did they just hire Issac Mizrahi? I guess the Star Wars franchise will have a really great QVC showing of the latest fashion from a galaxy far, far away….

  10. Veronika Larsson

    Where is this headed? I’ll tell you: REBOOT.

    That’s right, they’re going to remake the first three films, the Hamill-Fisher-Ford films.

    Why? Because Hollywood ran out of ideas 25 years ago–or rather, ran anybody out of town who had ideas 25 years ago. Why do you think there’s reboot this and reboot that? The Biz is cannibalizing itself.

    At least in space, nobody can hear you scream.

  11. Can you loan me $20? I can pay you back in 2087.

  12. Matt

    I think you meant the nerd equivalent of letting He-Man rape a Thundercat.

  13. Edvard Munch

    Steven Soderbergh should make Star Wars VII. Listen for a second. In Contagion and Traffic he made audiences smarter and tackled huge epic storylines. He may not be able to treat the Star Wars franchise exactly the same way, but he has a gift in working with many famous actors at the same time involving multiple stortlines that are either distinct or intertwined.

  14. eateme

    I’m not going to hate on Abrams too much as he directed Cloverfield and Mission: Impossible III, two really good movies, but he makes superficial, commercial movies…prefect fit for Disney I guess and a safe bet. I’d WAY rather that someone like Neill Blomkamp was at the helm, someone with fresh ideas.

    • Toe Jam

      Quick reply to say, thank you…my thoughts exactly! (except, MI3 kinda really sucked). Its hard to resist thinking this will not be a homogenized tepid action formula driven movie like Star Trek (movie reboot). Lets hope he works with a good script, to offset his vanilla directing style.

  15. Nonny Moose

    I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of lenses suddlenly flared in terror and were suddenly shaded.

  16. Greg

    Oh, awesome idea! Let’s get a guy to direct Episode VII who doesn’t really want to direct Episode VII. This should end well.

  17. Seems like a fine choice to me, but I loved Cloverfield, Super 8, and Star Trek, and I love Fringe (even though it got out of control since Season 3).

    Whether its good or bad, fans will come out in droves. We’ve proven it every time with Episode 1-3. Even the original trilogy wasn’t all that great, except for Episode 5.

  18. Toe Jam

    He’s just a schmuk – this dude really doesn’t have any true vision. He’s got the “jew look” down, and thats half the battle to getting to direct movies in Hollywood.

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