Ivana Wrote A Book About Raising Donald Trump’s Shitty Kids

Ivana Trump has reportedly written a book about “motherhood, strength and resilience,” and more marketably, raising the Dead Eye Shit Battalion of Nepotism that’s currently glomming onto our nation’s capital and sucking old people’s meals into their collective squid stomach for fun and profit. Page Six reports:

“As her former husband takes his place as the 45th president of the United States, his children have also been thrust into the media spotlight — but it is Ivana who raised them and proudly instilled in them what she believes to be the most important life lessons: loyalty, honesty, integrity and drive,” the statement reads.

BAHAHAHAHA! But for real, we have an exclusive first look at the chapters. (Seriously, did that say honesty back there? AHAHAHAHA!)

Raising Trump

1 – How To Know If Your Child Will Kill: The Birth of Donald Jr.

2 – Goddamn, Shit’s About To Get Weird: The Birth of Ivanka

3 – So I Had An Affair With A Blob Person From Space And Kept The Baby, Sue Me: The Birth of Eric

4 – “We Need To Talk About The Bodies Under Donald Jr.’s Bed”

5 – Ivanka, Ivanka, Ivanka, It’s Always About Ivanka!

6 – The Hat Made of Human Skin

7 – Incest Laws: Surprisingly Handy

8 – So You Just Remembered You Had A Third Child On His 10th Birthday: A Mother’s Guide

9 – [Chapter convincing readers Donald Trump did not commit marital rape per settlement]

10 – [Chapter convincing readers Donald Trump’s hands are not the size of a toddler’s per settlement]

11 – Eric Levitates And Predicts The Future: A Tale Of How The Earth Will Die

12 – “The Flesh, Mother, It Tastes Like Steak… With Ketchup”

13 – He’s Going To Honk Your Boobs Unless You Leave The Country: A Mother’s Plea To A Daughter

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