It’s The Motherf*cking Rapture

August 23rd, 2011 // 91 Comments
Xzibit Earthquake Meme

So, remember all those jokes I made about living on the coast that doesn’t threaten to break into the ocean at a moment’s notice? HAHA. I made this happen with my mind.

For those of you who don’t know, a 5.9 earthquake just hit Virginia – Breaking: And below a nuclear power plant. Of course. – and apparently quakes on the east coast shake the entire goddamn seaboard all the way up to Canada (Also the midwest, I’m now hearing.), so Photo Boy and I definitely felt that shit in our respective hovels here in Pennsylvania. Fun story, I work in my basement and for the past few months could’ve sworn I’ve felt the floor and my desk was slightly shaking, but just chalked it up to the DTs and/or me being crazy. Now I’m going to piss myself at the slightest wobble.

We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming momentarily, just as soon as we finish changing out of our soiled pantaloons. (West coast readers may begin with the laughing and callings of “pussy” now.)

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  1. well luckily nothing was falling off shelves, all it did was take out the phones..

    but the biggest fault line isn’t out west, it runs from nawlins to boston. everything east of that [piedmont] line used to be west african soil. biggest loser if it ever really goes is gona be st louis. they’ll be fuckin sucked into the earth

    • Deryn

      Oh noes, not St. Louis! (yawn)

      • jlover

        east : you have tornados, crazy ass thundrstorms,snow, ice all of that and more…but a little shaker and ya shat yerself…….oh myyyy.
        love west coast-san diego
        we just had two while i wrote this crap

      • j/l yeah it’s embarrassing how much coverage it got. but that’s par for the course here. we get snow, but never enough road salt. even we get half an inch of snow, there are motherfuckers parked in the fast lane on 66 cos they’re affurrd they’ll skid in the warter.. clue dot fucking less..

      • dammit i meant half an inch of RAIN…

      • mattymech

        jlover: Yeah people are freaking out about it here in MI and no one even noticed the ground was shaking until someone yelled in our office. Now it’s all over the news like it’s the first sign of the rapture.

  2. I knew it. Im in Toronto and I felt it.

    • Richard McBeef

      i’ll come to toronto if you would let me feel them.

    • thank god im not on fb or twitter, can just imagine the fuckin postfest

      • I’m getting tons of texts. God we are such pussies over here. I will never move to the east, east coast for the hurricanes and never to the west for their earthquakes. Canada, for the most part, is a bubble and I’d like it to stay that way, pleaseandthankyou.

      • Deryn

        Didn’t Canada just have a massive tornado, too? WTF.

    • TomFrank

      I’m in NYC and I didn’t feel it.

      • Nanook026

        I’m in Nova Scotia and I didn’t feel a thing. Yay! But bianca is right… the hurricanes here can be a bit bad… compared to the ones they get in the US, though, they’re nothing. Except Hurrican Juan, of course. That was a bit bad.

      • gumption

        no shit, I was in Manhattan on the Upper West side eating french toast and there was NOTHING. I didnt even know it happened until I someone in my building was panting in distress 5 hours later and wanted to debrief.

    • Mandy

      I was just about to post that I’m in Toronto and I didn’t feel it. Weird.

      • Really? It wasn’t anything big, just a few tremors. My mom lives in Halton Hills and said she felt more, but I think they get worse weather there period.

    • kimmykimkim

      Well at least in Texas we only get Hell weather. Seriously, its been over 101 degrees for almost 2 months. It’s like the second layer of Hell or some shit (I dunno, I didn’t really read Dante’s Inferno. Obviously) But at least we can get out of the heat. You can’t do shit about earthquakes (or tornadoes.)

  3. Jill

    I had just made a caylee anthony joke on FB with a friend in VA/DC and asked “too soon?” She made one back and said “it’s never too soon” and then got hit with an earthquake. I blame this on her.

    • God

      LOL! i’d take credit for it but i mostly just like shooting lightning bolts at memorials. when i step out from non existing that is..

      • God (a different one)

        Stanley Kubrick once asked me how I can strike women and children with lightning. I told him it’s easy, you just don’t lead them as much… Next thing I know, he’s stolen the line and used it in Full Metal Jacket. I got him back though, I made him cast Tom Cruise in his last film.

  4. That Bastard Tony

    I didn’t even realize the East Coast could get earthquakes. This makes me real nervous and I’m in Chicago.

  5. hayley

    I’m in Frederick, MD and I felt it.

  6. Sheppy

    From a west cost resident: Pussies.

    • westcoastgirl

      I concur with Sheppy.

    • 5.9 earthquake? That wouldn’t even get me out of bed.

    • We sleep though 5.9s here in LA. Pussy, indeed.

      • A few years ago my aunt’s were visiting and there was a pretty good size earthquake, to this day it brings tears to my eyes from laughing just thinking about their reaction. They RAN SCREAMING into the streets and took a while to be convinced that it was just an earthquake and not apocalypse.

      • Tamara

        Idiot – DC was unnerved because of a little event called 9/11 (you may remember it), not because of an earthquake. It felt like another attack.

    • Deryn

      Same with my husband: My first earthquake was Joshua Tree in ’99. I was raised on tornadoes, so I know what to do: Go someplace and take cover! I ran from room to room for 30 seconds until I realized there’s nowhere to go. Meanwhile, my California-raised husband stayed in bed and laughed at me.

    • Fartblossum

      Fuck all of you west coast assholes. It’s not the earhquake so much as the shit buildings we live and work in that aren’t made to handle them.

      • Poison Ivy League

        Yeeeeeeaaaah, cause it’s not like San Francisco Bay doesn’t have hella brick buildings or anything. 1989′s quake took down the Bay Bridge and massive parts of The City so go wah somewhere else. Even with our seismic reconstructions buildings crumble.

  7. Fester

    Here’s a good do-it-yourself Richter Scale measureing device. Attach a small (seriously) weight to the end of your penis using a 12 inch string. Okay, if you’re like me the weight and 6 inches of string are resting on the floor. Shorten the string until the weight can swing freely. Now, look down. If the weight is pointed at the floor you’re probably okay, there is no signifcant seismic activity. If it’s pointing at the ceiling, your house is upside down…. wow, that was a big fucking quake! Must have been at least a 7!

  8. Hazeldazel

    Pussy.

  9. RoCer

    You are aware that a 5.9 earthquaque could just probably knock down a wobbly chair, right? Man up.

  10. T1

    yep. seriously though, earthquakes are fun IMO. southern california my whole life so really grown accustom.

  11. For the taste of it

    It was KK taking that post-wedding shit.

  12. kalimama

    More and more I get real breaking news on these smut-sites. I come here to dumb-down you bitches!

  13. Maeby

    You live in Pennsylvania? Bummer dude.

  14. Venom

    The whore of all whores Kim Kardashian gets married and we get earthquakes.
    Coincidence? I think not.

  15. bing

    Ready to enjoy a fukushima moment ?

  16. Cock Dr

    Home state was rockin’ & rollin’.
    Just like a kiddie amusement park ride.

  17. Had a 5.8 here in Colorado last night… Felt it…
    But she said she had a headache and rolled over.

  18. hmna

    The epicenter was 10 miles from said nuclear power plant. Sleep tight, friends.

  19. Any Guy

    i’m in Eastern PA (about 20 miles north of Philly) and that shit was intense for a few seconds. Fish, if you’re in PA. we gotta hang brother. ya know, before the world ends and shit.

    • Deacon Jones

      That makes 2 of us!

      It felt like a rumble strip on a highway.

      And FISH, both of you are in PA??? You should come to Philly, Im kind of a big deal. Well, at least I was when I was single and had a life.

  20. Jimbo

    Haha Pussys!!

  21. Alex

    In Pittsburgh here, I didn’t feel anything. Kind of sucks.

    • It’s fucking Piitsburgh. No one who has to live there EVER wants to feel anything, and that apathy is what keeps everyone in Pittsburgh from committing suicide en masse. So how sucky is that, really?

  22. Kelce

    Make better things happen with your mind. I’ve already submitted a Skarsgard in a speedo request.

  23. Rough's sizemograph

    Dear God, lord or Savior which ever you like to be referred to. As I’m on both knees pleading and praying asking for you to position me, your favorite son on plain ground and not on the 20th floor, if you decide to serve NYC with a more and fixed gift. Especially, if it turn out to be a Haiti like measurement on the seismograph, which would make 9/11 looks like an episode of peewee’s playhouse. Notice fair lord, I did not even mentioned tsunamis because you’ve decided a long time ago the east coast ought to be exempt. Amen and Thx.

    • God

      fine. but keep in mind if you’re outside you need to be 1.5x the height of the building, away from it, in order to be outside its collapse zone. if it’s a 20 story building, that means anywhere from 360 to 450 feet. any less and no guarantee i don’t drop an AC unit on you for lulz

  24. Samantha

    I live in Virginia Beach, VA. (On the coast) And I nearly hyperventilated! Lol. My house was bending, swaying and everything shook violently. I was even swaying. I’ve never felt anything like this before and hope to God I don’t ever again.

    • Ashley

      In Va Beach too and my first thought was what the fuck…we get quakes here? If that didn’t hurry people’s asses to the stores before the hurricane we’re getting this weekend, you bet that earthquake did.

      • Samantha

        LOL, I know. It’s funny, I’m not even worried about the hurricane but I’m scared crapless that we’ll have another earthquake now.!

  25. Fuck you, Earth.

  26. lmao

    I understood the fright at first, but the news (as always) took it to a whoooole ‘nother level with how much they panicked. One reporter exclaimed, “I literally felt the ground shaking under me!” I thought to myself, “No shit bitch, that’s why it’s called a fucking earthquake.” It didn’t even cause any damage!

    • sensationalism keeps people tuned. and normally you have to consider what’s up for a vote in dc, cos the news here is often a distraction from finding out what rights were being taken away from us that day by congress..

    • Mandy

      I agree. Anytime you hear someone comment about how bad the earthquake is – reduced that level of panic about 1000%. People love to exaggerate these kinds of things.

    • hbw

      I felt the sky shaking above me, but then I realized it was just wind.

  27. Artie Fatbuckle

    Your reaction would rate “pussy” if the quake was a 5.5 or under. A 5.8 puts you squarely in “pansy” territory. Out here on the west coast it’s got to be at least a 6.0 to get anybody’s attention.

  28. Toez

    Pussys! Us people here in Christchurch, NZ, have had like 10,000 earthquakes/aftershocks since Sep last year, and 3 major ones much stronger than yours. Pussys!

  29. Hey guys! it was no earthquake, Kim Kardashian decided to do some Zumba

  30. Randal(l)

    oh no, a whole 5.9?!?! what a tragedy. did it knock some of your hello kitty stationary off your desk? Word just came in from FEMA that an emergency convoy of Vaginal Wipes is on its way.

    Randal(l)

  31. hmna

    An earthquake today and a hurricane on the way? Has anybody heard from Pat Robertson lately?

  32. Dan

    Pussy!

  33. williamwallace

    didn’t feel a thing in Harrisburg PA but people were talking about it…maybe i’m dead inside

  34. forrest gump

    I’m glad to see this man is O.K…………

  35. Brooke

    Wow, that’s a big quake. 5.9, OMG… that’s like so super big.

    …I live in Tokyo, so I’m taking a moment to be a dick because it’s been shaking constantly since the planet-shifting earthquake we had in March. Now that my dickhole moment is over, I’m sure a 5.9 would be pretty terrifying if you’ve never been in an earthquake before.

  36. Chris

    I live in Delaware and I was sleeping when that happened. Didn’t even wake me up.

  37. If that was your first earthquake, 5.9 can be pretty scary.

    Here in California we have a name for 5.9 quakes: Tuesday.

  38. Johnny Cage

    Under a nuclear power plant huh? I wonder about the HAARP style technology that the Soviets have. They have it just like us only theirs is 50 years more advanced.

  39. herbiefrog

    [note [to ]self…

    they noticed : ))

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