Insane Clown Posse Affirm Their Christianity, Hate Science

I’m about four months late to this party, but for the record, I consider knowing anything related to Insane Clown Posse to be one step below owning a meth lab on the White Trash Barometer. Case in point: Eminem solved this mystery 15 years ago. Anyway, ICP apparently revealed in June that they’ve secretly been a Christian band all along, and that their overly-explicit songs which have spurred their Juggalo disciples into committing rampant acts of violence, including murders, were really all about finding God. (In their defense, these people did try to kill Tila Tequila.) Flash forward to this weekend where Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope sat down with The Guardian to confirm their faith and discuss their latest single “Miracles” which reveals a strong disdain for science and pretty much all knowledge in general:

“Well,” Violent J says, “science is… we don’t really… that’s like…” He pauses. Then he waves his hands as if to say, “OK, an analogy”: “If you’re trying to fuck a girl, but her mom’s home, fuck her mom! You understand? You want to fuck the girl, but her mom’s home? Fuck the mom. See?”
I look blankly at him. “You mean…”
“Now, you don’t really feel that way,” Violent J says. “You don’t really hate her mom. But for this moment when you’re trying to fuck this girl, fuck her! And that’s what we mean when we say fuck scientists. Sometimes they kill all the cool mysteries away. When I was a kid, they couldn’t tell you how pyramids were made…”
“Like Stonehenge and Easter Island,” says Shaggy. “Nobody knows how that shit got there.”
“But since then, scientists go, ‘I’ve got an explanation for that.’ It’s like, fuck you! I like to believe it was something out of this world.”

So if you truly love something, have intercourse with its mother or else it’ll tell you where pyramids came from. Got it. If that wasn’t deep enough, here’s the hidden religious meaning to “The Riddle Box” which has to make C.S. Lewis realize he went at this game all wrong, son. All wrong:

Hey, what’s up, motherfucker
This is Shaggs 2 Dope
Congratulating you on opening
the Riddlebox
It looks like you received your prize
The cost, what it cost, was your ASS,
(The Riddle Box, 1995)
“If you died today, God forbid, if you were hit by a car and you had to turn the crank to your own riddle box, what would pop out?” Violent J peers at me. “Would it be God, or would it be the devil? Only you truly know the answer to your own riddle box. We’re asking the listener, what is in your own riddle box if you were to die today?”

Okay, that was an easy one. You can practically hear Jesus saying those words himself. Fortunately, Guardian reporter Jon Ronson wasn’t about to stop there:

“So all those unpleasant characters in the songs,” I ask, “like the narrator in I Stuck Her With My Wang, they’re examples of people you shouldn’t be?”
“Huh?” Violent J says.
“Well, it’s very unpleasant,” I say. “‘I stuck her with my wang. She hit me in the balls. I grabbed her by her neck. And I bounced her off the walls. She said it was an accident and then apologised. But I still took my elbow and blackened both her eyes.’ That’s clearly a song about domestic violence. So your Christian message is… don’t be like that man?”
“Huh?” Violent J repeats, mystified.
There’s a silence.
“I Stuck Her With My Wang is funny,” Violent J says. “Jokes. Jokes, man. Jokes. Jokes. Jokes. It’s just a ridiculous scenario. Silly stories, man. Silly stories. What’s she doing kicking him in the balls? We find it funny.”

Ahahaha! Domestic violence.

But, no, seriously. Clearly, the balls represent salvation, while the wang is a metaphor for the Lion of Judah getting ready to “stick” the girl – us, humanity – with its love provided we don’t “kick” it in the balls, a.k.a. nail it to a cross. Which I believe we did, so I can see why it’s not returning our calls like a punk-bitch. (You jotting this down, Joel Osteen? Shit’s gold.)