Illegitimate Lohan love-child (pending paternity test) wants record deal

July 2nd, 2008 // 37 Comments

Ashley Kaufmann, or may or may not be the fruit of Michael Lohan’s loins, is already angling for a record contract, according to MSNBC:

A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.”
A Lohan family source adds, “Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael (Lohan), not Dina Lohan.”

It should be noted the “Lohan family source” was Michael Lohan wearing a pair of those glasses with the fake nose and moustache. He almost got away with it until he went a tad overboard: “Michael should also get his own reality show. You know something wholesome yet empowering. I’m thinking ‘Michael Lohan’s A Father’s Journey: One Man’s Eternal Struggle with That Bitch-whore Ex-Wife of His Who Can’t Shut Her Freakin’ Booze-Hole Unless there’s a Cock in It. Even then.’” Coming this Fall to ABC Family.

Thanks to James who has more talent in his breakfast cereal than these jokers.


  1. surrounded by idiots

    fuck them!

  2. Redline

    She looks like a chipmunk.

  3. sixpack

    seriously, gimme a break.

  4. stink in my pants

    He has the trash touch, everything that man touches turns to attention hungry fame crazed TRASH. Poor kid, genetically there is no hope for you.

  5. surrounded by idiots

    actually, she looks like a normal 13 year old. not a hollywood slut 13 year old, but just a regular kid. too bad she’s going to ruin it by hanging with the lohans

  6. kat

    well, duh. what did you think? that she just wanted to meet her dad? no. money grubbing whore-to-be.

  7. jroc

    HAHAHAHA!!!!! Why you’re not doing stand-up Sir, I wll never know…….

  8. Randal

    Hey everyone, it’s been awhile and hope all of you have been doing well over the past week and a half. I’ve missed you! xoxo

    Personally, having this new young sensation come storming forward on stage in the music industry will give Miley Cyrus some deadly competition.

    Younger singing stars will become more of the norm, for it is a part of the industry that captures the young generation, pushing for higher concert ticket revenue and making mom and pop pay the bill. Miley Cyrus’ concert tickets have reached, in some places, over $1000!

    This girl has got to get the contract as soon as possible. She’s probably already signing on the dotted line.


  9. who

    She wants a record deal?? …or her parents want her to have one? That’s what I thought.

  10. Jim

    She still looks really hot to me. I’m quite sure she’d stop crying by about the fourth or fifth thrust, but if not I could always swipe my finger on the sheet and give her a nice big red smile.

  11. Lindsey Zohan

    She doesn’t appear to be spotted like the rest of the children.

  12. Neither of the other Lohan spawn have talent so why would ANYONE think this chick does?

  13. Blue Baby White Eyes

    Hi Randal we missed you (rubs hands together vigorously) ! I am sure I speak for most of us in saying the site hasn’t been the same without you dude!
    Anyway (cannot resist being nasty), why should this particular child have the right to sign a lucrative contract when she is most likely nothing more than Lindsey Lohan’s half sister? What the rotten fuck has become of this country?

    Randal please explain will you?

  14. your fat mom

    This is the standard 8th grade yearbook photo that all your normal classmates look back on after four years of your being a total whore in high school and they think wow, what the hell happened?

  15. Jim's #1 Fan

    Damn I like how you think! Awesome post. Best one today for me. Of course I am a filthy pig.

  16. Freud

    Yum I would like her to sing into my mic…..

    My mic is my penis.

  17. Quagmire

    She looks like she’d be unquestioning, make lots of eye contact, and unaware that she doesn’t have to swallow. Dear Diary: Jackpot!

  18. Joe

    Mike Lohan gets alot of shit however he was a very ETREAMLY successful guy who was a millionaire by age 30. Bought a house on 3 acres in Old Brookville couple properties from the Victoria Gotti mansion.

    Mike plays Keys, Guitar, Bass…No doubt he supplied the talent gene. Dina and Lindsay threw him under a bus for making it happen just like Char did to Sonny Bono. This was long long befor his drinking and coke problem
    Lindsay and Ally don’t write or even play instruments; this other kid from what I understand DOES and writes her OWN pop songs

  19. Anonymous

    Fuck, I thought the gayness that is Randal had died. Dammit all to hell.

  20. Jumpin_J

    Hey “Phish”, thanks for the shout again. More talent in breakfast cereal than a Lohan? Does that mean I get a recording contract too? Sweeeet!!! You’re the best-est!!!

  21. meoow

    This is definately Linday Lohan’s half sister, I see the resemblence.

  22. Kim Lardassian

    She looks like him – so is a fug, obviously the fug gene is evident throughout all his offspring.

  23. lambman

    she’s cuter than Ali that’s for sure

  24. Gwen

    Jesus Christ, this just keeps getting worse.

  25. Hahaha

    How can the talent come from Michael Lohan when they are all talentless?

  26. Dumdidum

    According to imdb the mother claims to have had an affair Love Daddy Lohan in 1995. Even assuming that this affair took place in early january: How can the kid be 13?
    I mean, it’s only the beginning of July where I live. That means they had six month for conception, term and birth. No way.

  27. Grunion

    Oh yeah she will be huge. Debbie Gibson huge.

  28. pay attention america:
    - before she even starts, SHE FAILS DRAMATICELY!!
    sorry for the kid.

  29. Sunny

    She looks cute….Someone saw her profile with sexy photos on R I C H L O V I N G.C O M, a hot hook-up club for millionaires and celebrities. It seems the profile looks sincere and attractive. Is it real!? Lots of beautiful girls and lady are said to be there.

  30. Randal

    Blue Baby White Eyes – July 2, 2008 4:51 PM

    Hi Blue Baby White Eyes

    Stop asking questions like that. Hillary Clinton might run for president again in 2112 and we don’t need to question why somebody thinks she could use a relative’s experience on personal resume as if it were her own experience.

    You’ll ruin everything for everybody if you keep that up, so cool it! All that matters is that people are dumb enough to buy the horse shit. You read my posts, don’t you.

    Case closed.


  31. Pay attention America. Before Gerard Vandenberg even starts to write something intelligent, the idiot fails dramatically. I feel sorry for the illiterate high school dropout.

  32. bobgainey

    ill do her.

  33. You are NOT the real Randal

    @30–the real Randal would never say ‘horse shit’…nice try though.

  34. Tony

    I’d say this more proves that the Michael Lohan’s side of the family doesn’t know anything about genetics.

  35. NastyBedazzler

    That was an incredible title for Michael’s new reality show.
    That one made me laugh for awhile, nice job Superficial.

  36. Randal


    There is more than just one real person in this world who is named Randal.

    - Randal

  37. tillie

    this girl just wants to be famous and her mom was so desperate and just happened to know michael lohan and made up so random rumor so she can sing its BS

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