If Only ‘Imagine Dragons’ Were Murdered on the ‘Orient Express’

It’s a tall order to rehash the classic, Murder on the Orient Express, which featured Hollywood golden-era titans Albert Finney, Ingrid Bergman, and, well, just look at the IMDB; the cast is legendary. The reboot looks to be a slam dunk cast of similar caliber talent with about thirty-something collective Oscars floating around between them. Not to mention, one of Hollywood’s most unappreciated badasses, Kenneth Branagh, directing as well as playing detective Hercule Poirot (he’s like Sherlock but not as annoyingly sociopathic).

A few hours ago 20th Century Fox dropped what I think is a pretty solid trailer for 2017 because it broke the recent trend of showing climactic scenes that give away the entire movie.

It all seems fine and dandy throughout. They scored my $15 as soon as my penis started to twitch over those 65mm wide shots. Once I saw Dame Judi Dench looking pissed and Willem Dafoe walking the tightrope of a possible molester, any suspicion I had that Johnny Depp could ruin this movie was also squashed. He wouldn’t have been allowed to bring his bullshit to set with that kind of talent around.

Then came that final shot of an almost unrecognizable Kenneth Branagh at the back of the train (I initially mistook for him for Sam Neill) when suddenly- *MAKE ME A BLEIVEAAAAHH*

OH MY GOD, WHY!? WHY WOULD YOU RUIN THAT!? Everything was going so well! It was like we were momentarily transported back to a time when people were actually interesting and you brought Imagine Dragons in to just shit their computerized gear-grinding all over it. It’s like we were having a nice, steak dinner and a hologram of Anna Nicole Smith decided to ask for extra ranch from across the restaurant. I haven’t heard of anything more out of touch since… yesterday… and then there was that thing a few days before that… and then the week before… forget it, never mind. Everything gets ruined, life is chaos, if anyone needs me I’ll be having my afternoon Fresca and sobbing quietly against the Fresca machine.

*YES, MY OFFICE HAS A FRESCA MACHINE – IT’S ALL THAT’S GOOD IN THE UNIVERSE*