Ian Somerhalder: Cat Detective
“Prepare for a tummy rub, crime.”
Before this post turns into a dreamily heroic yet comically misguided adventure of bleeding heart proportions, a little background from the Washington Post that you’re going to want to skip if at least 50% of your cubicle is kitten-themed:
Jacob Burris, the campaign manager for Arkansas Democratic congressional candidate Ken Aden, found his family’s cat slain in front of his house, the word “liberal” painted on its dead body.
The extended version, as Burris relates it to me, has more sickening detail. On Sunday morning at about 8:30, the 31-year-old Burris loaded three of his kids into his van for a trip to the gas station. When they returned, Burris’s 5-year-old boy got out and went around to the other side of the vehicle to help unbuckle the other kids, who are nearly 2 and 3 years old. On his way to assisting with the arrival, the 5-year-old spotted something. ”Dad, think the cat’s dead,” said the youngster to Burris.
The child wondered what the letters on the cat meant. Burris tried to explain them away. “It could be tire tracks,” the father said. Once the kids were inside, Burris moved the cat with a shovel into a wooded area behind the house. That night, he called the police, and the events were on their way into the country’s news stream, to Burris’s dismay.
While it’s pretty obvious the culprits are those roofers who raped Kate Bosworth – In their defense, one of them is awesome at it. – Hollywood detective and smarm master extraordinaire Ian Somerhalder has made it his goddamn personal crusade to get to the bottom of this. Via Twitter:
- IF police do not or will not find party/parties responsible,I will start a PRIVATE INVESTIGATION into the matter.I sure many of you agree
– One thing though-before I go into Mystic Fallsland.This kitty killed in Arkansas with LIBERAL scribed on it’s fur.THIS IS NOT OAKY (CONT)
– let me know what you think… Lets get to the bottom of it.Whom ever it is should be prosecuted to full extent of law.
When asked if he’d fund private investigations to solve people murders, Ian Somerhalder responded, “Do they give nose kisses and play with balls of yarn? Then no fucking dice.” But, seriously, kudos to him for getting involved and actually attempting to narrow down who in the south would murder a cat and write “liberal” on it not unlike the way folks used to send messages to coloreds caught looking at white women. I’m sure they’ll stick out like a sore thumb.
Adding… Do dead critters really make the best stationery? I’ve been thinking of getting a penpal.