Ian Somerhalder: Cat Detective

January 27th, 2012 // 40 Comments

“Prepare for a tummy rub, crime.”

Before this post turns into a dreamily heroic yet comically misguided adventure of bleeding heart proportions, a little background from the Washington Post that you’re going to want to skip if at least 50% of your cubicle is kitten-themed:

Jacob Burris, the campaign manager for Arkansas Democratic congressional candidate Ken Aden, found his family’s cat slain in front of his house, the word “liberal” painted on its dead body.
The extended version, as Burris relates it to me, has more sickening detail. On Sunday morning at about 8:30, the 31-year-old Burris loaded three of his kids into his van for a trip to the gas station. When they returned, Burris’s 5-year-old boy got out and went around to the other side of the vehicle to help unbuckle the other kids, who are nearly 2 and 3 years old. On his way to assisting with the arrival, the 5-year-old spotted something. ”Dad, think the cat’s dead,” said the youngster to Burris.
The child wondered what the letters on the cat meant. Burris tried to explain them away. “It could be tire tracks,” the father said. Once the kids were inside, Burris moved the cat with a shovel into a wooded area behind the house. That night, he called the police, and the events were on their way into the country’s news stream, to Burris’s dismay.

While it’s pretty obvious the culprits are those roofers who raped Kate Bosworth – In their defense, one of them is awesome at it. – Hollywood detective and smarm master extraordinaire Ian Somerhalder has made it his goddamn personal crusade to get to the bottom of this. Via Twitter:

- IF police do not or will not find party/parties responsible,I will start a PRIVATE INVESTIGATION into the matter.I sure many of you agree
- One thing though-before I go into Mystic Fallsland.This kitty killed in Arkansas with LIBERAL scribed on it’s fur.THIS IS NOT OAKY (CONT)
- let me know what you think… Lets get to the bottom of it.Whom ever it is should be prosecuted to full extent of law.

When asked if he’d fund private investigations to solve people murders, Ian Somerhalder responded, “Do they give nose kisses and play with balls of yarn? Then no fucking dice.” But, seriously, kudos to him for getting involved and actually attempting to narrow down who in the south would murder a cat and write “liberal” on it not unlike the way folks used to send messages to coloreds caught looking at white women. I’m sure they’ll stick out like a sore thumb.

Adding… Do dead critters really make the best stationery? I’ve been thinking of getting a penpal.

Photos: Twitter, Getty, INFdialy, Splash News, WENN


  1. dani

    In this picture he looks more like a cat rapist.

  2. whim

    obviciously “Pussies” are his game?

  3. Drielle

    the gay is strong in this one…manscara anyone?

  4. Richard Jemmons

    Ah yes, the old Little Rock Whittlin’ Chip…page 152 of the New Liberal’s Essential Political Playbook. It’s a classic variant of the Arkansas Knots Merit Badge Maneuver (see Chapter 13 “I Heart Huckabee”).

  5. blah

    Took three kids to the gas station. I call bullshit. He hated the cat its entire life. Case closed.

    • Archie_Leach

      Obviously you have a household of young children: leaving 2, 3, and 5 year-old kids alone in the house in the present contemporary days is a sure method to get a visit from CPS.

      • blah

        Actually I do, and I know that keeping a 2 and 3 year old strapped in the car seat in the gas station is not worth it.

      • Yeah, some of us sort of…you know…like our kids. Like having them around. Why some of us, when we get gas, take the little ones inside and let them pick out a treat apiece at the convenience store to turn a trip to get gas into a mini-adventure. But then, like I said, some of us like our kids.

  6. Juaquin ingles

    Holy cow, Dr. Evil used to have hair…

  7. Tyrone Biggums

    “not unlike the way folks used to send messages to coloreds caught looking at white women.”

    Just for the record…….those folks were Democrats. Do some research.

    • Just for the record: The Democrats of the 1960s are a completely different party than the Democrats today, and that comment fails every fucking time one of you mouth-breathers go, “Hurr Durr, you stupid Democrats were against civil rights!” Maybe look up this thing called the Southern Strategy which Nixon and Lee Atwater adopted to the Republican Party. You know, do some research.

      • Don’t forget Uncle Patty. And of course it’s still being played today, with gays, women and Latinos being used as needed. Oh yes, and those “union thug” teachers and first responders who are still trying to hold onto a thread of the American Dream.

        Well, as long as the great patriot Willard Romney can still hide the money he made in America in Swiss Bank Accounts and offshore tax havens to avoid paying American taxes I guess we’re fine.

        Funny, what passes for patriotism these days.

      • Juaquin ingles

        I love how everyone’s so partisan. Both parties fucking suck.

      • POWW

        gee fish, you must be in a bad mood. If you aren’t terribly busy this weekend doing lots of plowing (I’m rooting for you)
        maybe read Ameritopia. Good book. and for Equinox below (sorry, no reply area for me) There is an excellent movie/documentary called Waiting for Superman. Hard to find but well worth the effort.

      • Hi Powww, I’ve watched it and read about it too. The documentary doesn’t include the fact that more than ten million in private money was pumped into the charter school featured in the documentary. Nor does it address the fact that the charter school focused on is the exception among charter schools, not the norm, except in the briefest throwaway comment.

        The truth about public education is that it works pretty damned well in moderately to extremely affluent suburbs because the tax base for local taxes provides the resources needed to run the schools well. I live in one and our public schools are accredited with distinction.

        Oh, and it’s not that hard to find. I watched it on Netflix streaming.

      • Uh, POWW…where do you live that Waiting for Superman, one of the most talked about documentaries of 2010, is apparently so obscure it’s “hard to find”?

      • And Fish, just in case you don’t know Ameritopia was written by Mark Levin, a former Edwin Meese flunky (now there’s a mentor to be proud of!).

        Before he turned his attention on how his imagined “utopian” (read as those who still believe in basic, traditional American values of fairness) movement was destroying America he wrote a book entitled Men in Black or something similar about how the “activist supreme court” was destroying America. No peep out of this modern day bush league Bill’O (he hosts a conservative radio show) about the conservative activist redefinition of American human to include multinational corporations…strange that.

        So, read it if you want…but consider the thoroughly discredited and hypocritical source.

        Hey, and Poww, if you ever want to debate the veracity of what Levin wrote in either of those books point by point I’ll be happy to do it. You sound like a pretty nice guy, just a horribly misinformed one.

      • Yeah, Fish. Like when the Republicans kept a Klansman who filibustered the Civil Rights Act as the longest-serving Senator?

        Oh, wait, Byrd was a Democrat. . .who retired in 2010. That enough research? The reality is that there were and are assholes on both sides, right is right and wrong is wrong, and the goal is to figure out how to make the most people the happiest.

        Also, “pebble-toothed troll” still makes me smile.

      • Schmidtler

        Just for the record, Robert Byrd was a member of the Democratic party in the 1960′s, and throughout his long tenure in congress, which overlaps his membership in the KKK. No matter how many times you liberal revisionist historians attempt to disassociate yourselves from the racist / segregationist past of the Democratic Party, it is your history. Would you claim the Republican party of Nixon is a ‘completely different party than the Republicans of today’ – because it was the Republican party of the 1960′s that pushed civil rights legislation through congress despite Democratic party opposition. You know, do some research – don’t just fall in love with the first questionable tidbit that supports your love affair with the liberal party line. Or better yet, avoid subjects which you are clearly not well versed in, like politics, and stick to the bikini pictures and dick jokes.

    • Robert 'KKK' Byrd

      Aaand there you have it. The Fish vehemently defending the fucking democrat party. What a frikkin sap.
      Why don’t you buy the team jersey and wave around little flags with donkeys on ‘em while you’re at it!?

      • POWW

        EQ, I’ll pass on the debate as it would be pointless I will forever hold independent thinking/speaking, free will and individual rights as the truest way of life for the majority of us. I will give you independent thinker but will beg to differ–it is my opinion you are the one misinformed. We are in agreement about one thing–there is corruption within our government from both sides.
        Also, The reason I poined out the movie was mainly the teachers union and their position on tenure and not merit.
        You know where I stand on that so let’s not argue.
        finally for you and Tom–I don’t have netflix, just a struggling blockbuster with one copy.

      • Poww…like I said I thought you were a nice guy. But you are wrong and I truly do fear that you are wrong in a way that will destroy our American Model and replace it with the Central American Model of the few rich living in gated and guarded communities while the rest of our population is reduced to the level of peasants. And when you’re starving and living in a state where the government is the exclusive property of the rich you will find that those things you have said you cherish will no longer be yours.

  8. Ian Somerhalder Holding Cat
    Commented on this photo:

    Mmmmmm, Ian Somerhalder!

  9. Ian Somerhalder Peoples Choice Awards
    tim steves
    Commented on this photo:

    They accidentally gave that Rob Lowe wax figure Minnie Driver’s jawline.

  10. Ian Somerhalder Holding Cat
    Commented on this photo:

    I love him!!!! and the fact that he loves animals is so much hotter

    all you guys can make fun of him as much as you want but he is SO HOT and such an amazing person and he’s seriously got all the women wrapped around his finger

    love him and nina dobrev!

  11. fooey

    Could it have been the smoke monster?

  12. That cat REEAAALLLYYY doesn’t like having that finger up its butt.

  13. Attention Whore

    He probably killed his own cat and wrote “LIBERAL” on it just to muster some votes. Congressional Democratic running for election? His kid found it? He probably did it himself.

  14. vekfan

    I have no problem killing men, women even children, it’s what I’m paid for, it’s what I’m good at, but I draw the line at cute fluffy little cats!

  15. Ian Somerhalder Holding Cat
    Commented on this photo:

    Hot damn, sexy bedroom eyes! …and I’m not even an animal-loving chick.

  16. POWW

    EQ, sounds like you and I are afriad of a very simular America.
    We disagree and will never agree on who to “fear” For you, it’s capitalists. For me, it’s socialists leaners. We will never agree.

    • Poww, not capitalists. Unregulated capitalism. Unregulated capitalism is the world of Dickensian England. Unregulated capitalism is what we see in China now with workers being given poison chemicals to polish phones and working in factories filled with enough dust to make them explode. Unregulated capitalism is the model on which a drug cartel works.

      These aren’t my fears. These are concrete things that actually exist. Things that you can see.

      Even the socialist states that do exist in western Europe are places of infinitely more freedom and prosperity than any example of unregulated capitalism you can find. And I am perfectly willing to be proven wrong, if you have the examples to do so.

      But we’re so far from the kind of socialism you fear in this nation that there is nothing for you to fear. I’m calling for a return to the sorts of laws and taxation levels that Ike and LBJ and Nixon presided over. Not socialism. American policies that made this nation the wealthiest and most powerful country on earth.

      We are very far from that place in this country now, and it is not in the direction of socialism. It is in the direction of our becoming a corporate feudal state.

      Look outside. Think about the tax rate Willard pays or Halliburton draining billions from our nation and moving them to Dubai. Think about the Citizen’s United ruling that allows international corporations (so long as they have a hq in America, even if there is only one person employed there) to pour unlimited amounts of money into our political process. Think about the effects of removing the fairness doctrine, and that an extremely large portion of our media is owned now by just a handful of corporations, none of which have any allegiance to our nation.

      These are things you can see around you, not things you might be afraid of. These are things that are doing egregious harm to our Republic…right now. Not some phantom lurking in the shadows.

      When a shark is already eating you it makes no sense to worry about a tiger you might someday encounter.

  17. Brooke

    My entry into all these in-depth political discussions: poor kitty!

  18. Locknload

    More of Ian Somerhalder PLEASE.

    You took away the Skarsgard after only a few short weeks of his awesome music-accompanied posts.

    More Somerhalder. And Skarsgard. He can come too.

  19. Ian Somerhalder Peoples Choice Awards
    Juaquin ingles
    Commented on this photo:

    Mr Potato Head: Rob Lowe Signature Edition

  20. Ian Somerhalder Holding Cat
    Commented on this photo:

    He’s kinda crazy, but I’d still do him

  21. Ian Somerhalder Holding Cat
    Commented on this photo:

    Buffalo Bill saves the day?

  22. Ian Somerhalder Peoples Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Hear that? The bitches love me.

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