‘I Thought the Cocaine was Gum.’

August 30th, 2010 // 63 Comments
Paris Hilton Mug Shot

Via People:

When a little white baggie fell out of the purse she was carrying, Paris Hilton had an explanation for Las Vegas police.
“She had not seen it but now thought it was gum,” said an officer’s report.

Just let her go. Just fucking let her go and arrest Lindsay Lohan again so everyone can wake up in the morning and go, “Oh, wait, this feels right,” then blame the past 48 hours on ‘Nam. “Were we seriously talking about Paris Hilton? Haha! Oh, Charlie. Always messing with my brains…”

Photos: Splash News


  1. The O

    I thought your work day was about 10-3 fish? Such dedication.

  2. Mel

    Whatever, dumb bitch….

  3. Jay

    Fish? I know people, can’t we take her and LiLo out?

  4. captain america

    ……..she was raised on a desert island, folks?

    • Jen

      does anyone else notice the dumb shit that captain america says on EVERY post?


      I wouldn’t mind seein’ PARIS in the pokey! That way, instead of trying to catch her all over the world, I’d have the ho all by myself, makin’ conjugal visits in her cell.

  5. Alex

    Somebody has lost relevancy . An official statement like that is what you call reaching waaaaaay out there for it. I would have never guessed that LiLo could steal thunder like that. Fuck me. Can’t imagine what Paris is going to have to pull out of her ass to get that hot mess thing going, again. It’ll be interesting. Oh, and good on you, Fish. That is dedication.

    • Snooki's Taint

      Do you really want to think about what Paris Hilton pulls out of her ass? There’s an app for that!

  6. sobrietyisacrutch

    I had “gum” one time. It kept me up for three days.
    And I talked to a lot of assholes that I normally wouldn’t give the time of day to.
    God bless Juicy Fruit…

  7. Jay

    BTW, If you seen this, watch it again, if not, FUNNIEST VIDEO in a LONG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  8. paris vs linds for headlines = apocalypse now. do we get to win this time

  9. Jay

    dudeatdudedotdude? what your take on all this? you think this is a spot-light steal like i do?

    • the theory with the fewest new assumptions is usually the correct one (occam’s razor).

      before the madd crusade of the early 80s, when we rode our muscle cars with open containers blastin led zep, smoke billowing out the windows like cheech and chong, we never forgot that we were carrying. before that cop could run our tags i’d have had that blow so far up my nose, my eyes would have looked like master’s on that old kung fu series.

      i’ll take cry for attention for 100. attention i’m not sure lindsay’s going to compete for. let’s see what the next 72 hours bring.

  10. liam cagle

    i love gum.i can’t chew gum anymore though.had a little bit of a gum problem.fucked me up.

  11. jay

    Trash. She should be in jail, just like anyone else would be for this. I’m so sick of useless wastes of flesh like her–she has nothing to contribute to society. She has no talent. She doesn’t have a job. She’s as bad as any other street thug out there getting high, drunk, and causing trouble–only she’s worse, because she has no excuse. She’s been a pampered princess all her damn life. She doesn’t deserve any of the fortune she has coming to her. I hope she and Lindsay Lohan and every other useless fame whore all get cleaned up off the streets and thrown into jail where they belong so the rest of the population who actually has to work and be functional members of society can do so in peace.

    • Jay

      Can I get a AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Ugh...

        You got one from me. The sooner they throw this herpes infected legspread slutty attention whore in prison for a couple of years, the better. If we’re lucky, she’ll piss off some women’s gang in prison & they’ll off her in some spectacular way…

    • One of the masses

      Bravo!!!! Well put.

      • jay

        I’m not poor. And I’m not jealous. But I am annoyed. Some of us actually have to work to earn money. I’ve been to foreign countries, also–and I’ll tell you something. Vacations are so much more rewarding when you know you worked your ass off to earn them, and you can relax with the satisfaction of knowing you truly deserved it, and didn’t just have it handed to you. I’m enjoying my life, too–and not just superficially, either. I play really hard because I work really fucking hard. Everything I have I know I deserve, because I earned it my own self. THAT, to me, is happiness.

    • Elite

      Excuse me Mr. Pauper, not all of us were born poor. It seems a pity to live your entire live of poverty in jealousy. I have been to more countries than you can name and have bedded more foreigners than you could ever dream. My children will do the same. The smart ones will go to college, the ones like myself will enjoy life.

      • Jeep

        Who said anything about living life in poverty? Oh you mean living like a normal person? Yeah, we live and enjoy our lives just fine. Seems to be you all who think that the rest of us are at some “bottom” and that we care about your precious “top” where everything is shallow. He who beds the most doesn’t win, He who has the most toys doesn’t win. Travel the world, oooh, more rocks and dirt and landscapes with food and water, and bathrooms; people good and bad living their daily lives. It’s all the same, we all die alone and take none of it with us. You did want you wanted to do with what you had,, pretty sure us Paupers are doing the same thing. But thanks for your attempt at trying make yourself feel wonderful at our expense :)

  12. sean

    She will not suffer earthly consequences for her behavior. Satan takes care of his own. But when the Lord comes on judgement day, He won’t accept pitiful excuses from celebrities like the American legal system does.

    • sean

      FYI I like sex with 12 year old boys!

    • Sean

      Since Jesus has never done shit for me, I’m going to go ahead and worship satan from now on.

      Come my dark lord, plunge thy steaming barbed cock of hate into my willing anus and make me your minion. I live to serve Satan!

  13. bitingontinfoil

    Wow, she looks great…

    …for 40!


  14. Marcus

    Her and lindsay could start a drug war, do drive by shootings at each other. Lindsay throwing a Molotov bombs at a hilton hotel. Then release a sex video … wait, paris already did that. It’s all up to lindsay then.

  15. judge dredd

    she looks guilty as fucking hell…

  16. Pathetic excuse

    “She had not seen it but now thought it was gum,” said an officer’s report.

    This excuse is so hairbrained that it’s obviously meant to insult anyone reading it; it’s like whorehan’s officer saying her coke was “a crushed breath mint”. OK, it’s time to hear from everyone. Has anyone ever chewed gum that they kept in a plastic baggy & looked like loose white granules of cocaine?

  17. ishi-san

    Yeah, because who doesn’t put his gum in little see-through plastic bags?!

  18. friendlyfires

    In defense of Herpes Forever, one hundred years ago, there was available in pharmacies worldwide Coca-Cola gum which was laced with just the right amount of cocaine, the buzz from a single stick of gum equivalent to one to two cups of coffee. Perhaps she imagined the “gum” was gift from great grandaddy.

  19. josh

    I have gum on me all the time Paris. But if remember correctly you do not like to swallow that kind of gum.

  20. JRS22

    If only that knife wielding “fan” succeeded..

  21. Jae

    If she gets out of this, I will have lost faith in the justice system AGAIN.

    All you with little bags of cocaine in your purses, they just handed you your next defense….just say you thought it was gum.

  22. I thought the steroids I was taking were Life Savers.

    Expensive Life Savers….


  23. Kayla

    She did this on purpose for publicity the stupid slut.

  24. Are we sure she didn’t plan this?
    I mean, look at all the other lame shit she has been doing lately to stay ‘relevent’.

    Give it up honey.
    Let’s hope they were the hot cops, coz it seems like a HUGE waste of taxpayers money..

  25. Mr. Ridiculous

    And my dog ate my homework. Stupid lying cunt!

  26. UY

    Can’t tell cocaine from gum – brilliant!

  27. nameless

    yeah…right, LOL….because everyone knows that a stick of gum and an eight ball look so much alike.

    see ya in 4 years, Paris!

  28. wutaboutnicole?

    And to think Nicole Ritchie is the one who has cleaned up her act!

    • sobrietyisacrutch

      I recall Nicole saying in an interview a few years back that while she doesn’t hate Paris, she definitely needed to separate herself from her and her ilk, (ie.- Lindsey, Brittney, et al), inorder to lead a healthy, quieter lifestyle for her sake, her child(ren) and boyfriend. I remember thinking, “Yeah right! Let’s see how long THAT lasts!” But, apparently, she proved me wrong. Good for her!

  29. News Flash: Paris Hilton called 911, admitted to surgery with 6 Chiclets lodged in her sinuses.

  30. Marcus

    it was left over Pixie Stix candy

  31. Racer X



  32. elephantman




  34. Rhialto

    I’m just going to watch how she’s going to save her ass outta this.It will be probably the same as watching a slapstick movie.

  35. even paris cant be that fuckin stupid

  36. Let see the gum I have seen her chew on, was called ” Fruity Taint”.

  37. Fatsacks

    Not to defend Paris, but other reports have said that the coke in question was wrapped in a bindle and not a plastic baggy. If that is the case, then the gum argument is somewhat valid as a personal bindle of coke is of similar size and shape to a wrapped stick of Orbitz gum.

  38. Elane

    least she’s smart enough to try to get out of it. who wouldn’t??

  39. mimsy

    Next month:

    Paris goes to rehab!

  40. JMK

    That’s gotta be the cutest mug shot ever.

  41. Heather

    Yeah, she also thought that Walmart sold wall stuff!

  42. Nikki

    I’m going to take a flying leap and say she’s realizing she’s not the ‘it’ thing anymore. People diss her more than ever, she’s getting looked over at award shows. SHE WAS THE FIRST REAL SOCIALITE OF HER GENERATION, and she’s losing that title to Kim Kardasian, Lilo and hell, even Britney Spears seems to get more attention than her. It’s all a publicity stunt to get her name on all the social pages once again.

  43. karl anglin

    Paris=hilarity! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  44. Jinxy

    To bad the coke sweat belie her lies. Couldn’t happen to a unnicer or dumber twat. She’s going to do real time instead of Hollywood time in Clark County. Yeah, for shankings!

  45. memphisguy27

    could someone do society a favor and shoot this useless slut in the head already?can someone please explain to me why people like paris hilton and kim kardashian are famous?That sorry waste of life has never worked a day in her life and never will-pathettic-being a rich useless slut,living off daddy’s money is not a reason to be well known it should be a reason to be shunned and ridiculed,i for one encourage people like that guy that they caught with the knife and duct tape breaking into paris’ house like a month ago,go dude,go kill the slut.

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